Becoming a Gay Adult

The Test

2012-02-03T20:34:00.000-08:00

Must be mid-terms. There are steps that separate men from boys. And I faced a tough week and did it with the best of grace and ease I could muster.

I learned lots.

One: Annie Lennox rocks it in "Smithereens," and we certainly experience life as islands at time, however we're joined under water. So it's critical that we never bomb each other, even when we appear to be enemies. From a distance we are all one.

Two: As Meryl says as Thatcher, our thoughts, words, actions, habits, character and destiny deserve tending. To remain viable, I believe we must be vigilant. Daily.

Three: We are all sick. Seriously. We wake up to a story we tell ourselves. We are nervous about ever letting it go. Some of us are shapeshifters, workaholics, some of us are doormats--perpetual victims with a really good story about how the world dumps on us. Some of us drink too much (thinking it's never really enough), and some of us sit in the dark and stare at a computer screen late into the night. We storm, soothe ourselves, and lo they say sugar is beyond just addictive (the way lab rats crave the sugar lick until they can no longer move.) We humans are vulnerable to behavior that erases our acknowledgement of the fact that life is rife with chaos. And by the way--extreme workouts: Insanity and triathalons...no carb diets--just the other side of the coin.

What's the other choice? I think it's acceptance and living life on life's terms. Finding balance--and mention balance and self-care to any successful professional in 2012 and they'll snicker under the breath even if they claim they have it. It's the biggest human challenge. Who wants to accept that the other party might win, that part of the planet is destined for destruction due to a warming trend reversible, natural or not? Who can accept the consequences of our past actions--a recession, for example, that balances our craving for more faster and unsustainably more? Life is more exciting high: face it. And the challenge is to live moderately, and to find the joy in a life well lived, satisfied with our lot. What of hope and the American Way of making the impossible change?

There is an illusion of making impossible--I'm possible. It's lovely and for a time it may seem we bend reality, however, She loves herself too much and snaps back, reshaping herself. If we push too hard, she can be violent, even after a time of compliance.

A little blathery, yes, all that to say, be mindful of reality, shape yourself to her and be gentle with the pushing. The ride can oftentimes be more pleasant if we just ride. You may be surprised where life's gentle momentum takes you. Breathe and relax sometimes if you've been paddling what seems upstream.

Reality is Unavoidable

2012-01-15T17:39:00.000-08:00

Denial is a powerful drug, however, it's braver to face truth. And the best way to get there is by triangulating the feedback from others in your life. Ask others you trust and with whom you feel safe what you do well and where they feel you struggle. Self-analysis is great, however, you're only going to be more accurate with feedback.

By now, you should have some idea as to whether 2012's grand ambition was too much (or too little.)

Test that against your "fave five." Find those few folks who have your best interest in mind. Let them know what you're about this year and how you're doing so far. Hard to believe we're 2 weeks into a new year already. 1/26th's done. How are you pacing?

2012 Begins

2012-01-01T08:04:00.001-08:00

Rest.

Take a beat. Pause completely. Find a quiet spot in your mind, a quiet place to listen, some thoughtful people to brunch with this morning.

It is in the quiet we get the most potent inspiration for action throughout the year.

Listen.

Pause.

It's in that moment before the sprint that the 100 meter dash is run. It's in the shower that the CEO alights on the solution to the thorniest management concern. It's in the walk on the beach, wrapped in warmth, watching the waves come in from low tide, that I suddenly realize that life is alright, just one step forward at a time.

You are surrounded by a world of good.

Breathe well today.

Year End Rituals

2011-12-31T06:02:00.000-08:00

I was the one with those infernal brag sheets--sending a dossier of annual achievements to all my "friends." I'm glad I stopped doing that.

I was also that "friend" who called everyone on my phone list year-end (I guess now that would be all the people in my cell phone), to wish them holiday greetings. It would take HOURS!

Now I've learned that I can only be close to a select few. And they know I love them because we're in contact all through the year.

This is the time of bonus envy too. Who failed to get promoted can feel outrageously offended.

How do we measure success, or the viability of a life? The number of friends, the salary number, the title, the progression of a career? What about our health, the number of people who may come visit us in the hospital should we ever take ill, the things that will be said at our funeral, the way people feel around us, the service we gave to others?

This is a great time for reflection on what really matters. Take stock in a big picture, beyond the competition we often attach to our careers. Look too at the core values you hold dear and see if you can embed those in 2012.

Happy New Year.

goals 2012

2011-12-23T05:10:00.000-08:00

After looking back at the year, think about 2012.

I will be guided by "The Power of Less," The Fine Art of Limiting Yourself to the Essential by Leo Babauta.

My goal for 2012 -- to allow myself to enjoy my simply abundant, rich life.

For so many years I suffered from the mythology that I was supposed to earn more, be more, do more, live richer, than I do. I've had painful work experiences out of balance with the rest of my life, debt and dis-ease as a result.

1. There is more and more data to suggest the American Dream is now the American Horror Story if we strive for it without thoughtful self reflection and objectivity. The home outside our means today--that alone has become a simple reminder to reduce our projection of future income, and live on our cash in hand.

2. In America, workers spend some of the lowest number of days away from work of other similar countries, and we typically work more hours. Given the limited number of days per hour, it probably also means we spend proportionately less hours with family, friends, our personal passions, and it probably means we get less sleep.

What if we stopped pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps, on sleep deprivation and debt? What other options might be out there?

I aim to take a year to find out. Ironically, I hypothesize that I'll probably be more effective while doing less. Leo seems to think so too. So let's see. This will be hard for an overachiever, things to do list creator and avid speed demon about checking off the boxes.

To start, I'm going to say, there's no need to lose any weight, or do any of those stereotypical New Year's Resolutions. I go to the gym plenty enough, my weight is fine, and I eat OK. I thought I needed to focus on decluttering: home is neat and clean enough and I'll gradually release the paper piles. They are fine and there's no need for a resolution or deadline. They'll sort out, and people in my life will have to deal with the fact that I need time to hunt things down now and then. It's so easy to say I'm going to stop eating chocolate for a period of time, get a six-pack, train for a race---hooey---I can eat all the chocolate I want, and skip the 5K if I so desire.

In fact, chocolate is one of the most affordable luxuries, and it comes to us in intoxicating and rich variety. The trick is watchfulness, self-awareness and gathering trusted others into conversation about life. I loved the article on tossing out performance reviews altogether because of the anxiety, futility and negative backlash surrounding them. I think, and I'll explore this through 2012, the power lies in the ongoing regular conversations with our sherpas regarding our journey day by day.

I have one personal goal for 2012, and I'll shape work goals with my supervisor. And those work goals will probably fall under the simple personal goal umbrella of: "I allow myself to enjoy my simply abundant, rich life." My family and friends are a critical part of my rich life--they are indeed the core of the richness.

Live well.

Pace Yourself Through Year-End

2011-12-18T15:10:00.000-08:00

Home stretch.

Finalize your annual review: both one for personal and for work.

Set your plans for the remaining holiday time. Even if it's your default plan of spending time with your family of origin, review past times and decide how you want to navigate those gatherings in healthier ways. You might need to set some boundaries for yourself or with others.

Some people stay at a nearby bed and breakfast or hotel, to give space and somewhere to go when things get a little out of hand. We all hopefully find ways to still love our families and yet many of us find family trying at times. It helps to have some space to breathe.

Some folks find support systems near where they travel---there are tons of them, or networks of friends who can provide perspective and processing. So look them up and make a plan to spend time in spaces and with people who can help you stay grounded at this time. They call it the nuclear family for a reason: the reactivity within families can be ginormous.

People can get testy at work during this time: many people are rushing to get year-end goals complete, they may have challenges at home, people drink a lot and come in hung-over, this time of year "should" bring out the best in us, but the days are the darkest, and often trigger depression, sadness and a myriad of memories that can make some of us pills.

Let go some work goals if it takes undue Herculean effort to make it so--especially since key members of the team may be off for the rest of the year.

It is said, "take nothing personally, even if it has your name on it." So go forward through these last few weeks with all your self-care as intact as you can keep it: rest, eat moderately, drink with boundaries if you can stomach it, and laugh 'cause life's worth living. Live well.

The Office Party

2011-12-09T12:06:00.001-08:00

'tis the season.

Yes, you must watch what you wear. Yes, please make an appearance. Yes, walk in with your team if you can to show team spirit. Yes, please walk around the party and avoid just hiding in a corner with the people you know. You will certainly bring your business cards to hand out to the new business acquaintances you'll make and schedule time to meet them in the new year. This is a most wonderful networking opportunity. And yes, leave before it gets messy.

That said---

Yes, you will avoid being the talk of the party the day after. That means you'll save your signature dance moves for your friends and family party later that night or that weekend. Yes, you will demur dancing closely with folks at work. Yes, you'll avoid the holiday party hook-up---can we say "awkward" the day after? Yes, you will eat politely and avoid standing by the fruit/cheese/pigs in a blanket platter.

In other words, yes, they're all watching---your boss, boss's boss, colleagues and it does affect promotions, end of year reviews etc. It might seem funny at the time to lip sync and do the entire Lady Gaga song as if you're in the video, however, you'll find the rue of it coming up inopportunely over the year ahead frustrating. So make this a business meeting--'cause it is one.

Personal and Work Goals for 2012

2011-12-03T12:45:00.001-08:00

It's that time of year again.

Just a reminder to draft what you want 2012 to be for you personally and professionally.

Maybe start with drafting your personal goals. And run those by the important people in your life: start with mentors, (rather than your life partner--they are too close to you for you to get the best feedback or to stomach the churn your thoughts about going forward might be), friends, and then check in with your partner. See what that might mean on the work front.

Then draft work goals for yourself for 2012 and run those through your people too.

THEN, you devise a work appropriate tool with which to share your ideas and thoughts and get your manager's feedback. At work you might even want to run your ideas by a work mentor before you approach your supervisor. A mentor can give you suggestions on HOW to present your ideas for the best outcomes: a fulfilling conversation, and brainstorming about solutions that work for you AND the organization.

Try to really start with what you want, then build towards incorporating your work into your personal vision. Often, we simply shape our vision in the corner that work provides, breeding resentment for unfulfilled lives.

Live well.

Give Thanks

2011-11-23T18:43:00.001-08:00

One of the greatest ways to welcome more abundance in your life is to give thanks. Just that simple act helps you to realize you ALREADY have more than you sometimes think you have.

The air we breathe, the ability to walk, to ride a bike, to be with loved ones, to sleep soundly--these are luxuries some in Cairo, Bangladesh, inner city New York, have so little of that they cry themselves to bed, if they can find one.

We must express our gratitude. These holiday times may seem sparse compared to others in our past, and yet many of us have more than we really need. So we can take some time too to give to others. A hug, a smile, a kind word as we bustle through these shorter, cold days in the northeast can bestow abundance on others.

Remember your mentors, and those who supported you through the year. Send them a text, an email, a card. Let them know you appreciate them. And take time for yourself in the quiet to write down what has made your life rich this year.

Then notice how you feel.

Live well.

Family Time

2011-11-20T07:52:00.001-08:00

One of the most important things in life is family. It is the foundation of a powerful career.

Period.

So I prescribe that you spend some quality time with your family during the Bermuda Triangle of Thanksgiving Dec 25 time and New Year's. It seems to me that several cultures have major holidays during this Northern spell of shorter and colder days. It's a time for reflection on the year past, an evaluation of the past harvest --- a taking inventory and conversation with key stakeholders about our performance.

The most important performance evaluation is "who am I in the world and what was my impact on others?" "Am I going in the direction aligned with the very best of me and am I interacting in a way with others that brings out the very best in them?"

Then, from that foundation, review the work objectives and accomplishments. And gauge what the way ahead is given what family needs. Without family, a career is build on a shaky foundation.

Now, especially for gay, Black and many other folks, family may be defined in non-traditional ways. So make sure your "family" are the people who support you for who you are at your core --- with the same values, and who have "your back" always, as best humans can.

Live well.

Life is what happens while you're distracted

2011-11-12T13:42:00.001-08:00

Mental clutter is the bain of a successful career. It's what distracts you from your primary purpose as you busily get things done. You suddenly look up and it's November 12th or something and you wonder where the year went and why as it's Thanksgiving, you're thinking of what to give thanks for.

The design of a year's action plan ought to have enough buffer to allow life's random form to take place. And yet it should move forward in a way that serves your personal growth and development in ways that authentically align with your purpose on earth. What you feel connects you to truth is worth holding onto as a rudder for life. Evenso, after chats with Mother, I've also learned that values must be pliable enough to flex to new knowledge you gain as you travel. There's nothing more foolhardy than holding on to old beliefs that no longer serve you. I think it's suicidal.

That means, that you do the work of self introspection. That delicate work of journalling, dreaming, going for walks along the fall leaves and mapping in your mind, among the moon and the stars a vision for your life. Include thoughts about who travels alongside you. Deliberately include who supports and encourages you and how you'll stay close to them. And be clear with them about your dreams. Let them help you moderate your action plan so it's realistic and allows you to be truly human. And we must run new ideas as they shape by trusted others outside our brains to check ourselves for mad exursions.

To laugh, play, sleep, eat good food and exercise is worthwhile. It tempers our drive to outwit the world, and allows us to live well on the journey. Sometimes, that's all there really is. There may be no there there.

So if, as I do, you feel this year has moved you little forward on the hunt for some great achievement, know this: life is sometimes more about living, than winning or collecting trophies and toys. If I measure the living I've done this year, I am enormously blessed and fortunate, humbly grateful. If I count based on promotions, and certifications, raises and project completions, I could fall into a worthless depression.

So I'm choosing to count as a success, a year well lived. And somehow I'll find a way to write a decent self-appraisal. One about treading water well.

Work and live well.

The Bermuda Triangle Approaches

2011-10-27T16:31:00.000-07:00

There are those who say that the holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day are the Bermuda Triangle. It seems appropriate on Diwali to make some plans for this great time of year. Days are shorter, triggering SAD: seasonal affective disorder and getting folks excited about vacations to Key West and places warm and sunny.

Now is the time to write down the names of those who inspire our gratitude and to think about how you might thank them this year. It could be as simple as a card, a call, a brief visit to have a cup of tea. It's the thoughtfulness of the interaction that we most remember, rather than the cost or value of the gift.

Beyond being the right human thing to do, this is the time to reach out to mentors and your support network so that you make the choices that are most in line with who you want to be. There's a lot more alchohol and free sugar around this time of year. And people can get lonely too: so add a little more dash of thoughtfulness and support.

Now too is the time to prepare for end of year performance evaluations. I know...drone. But this is less about getting the highest bonus or strategically setting yourself up for a promotion. This is less about rabidly checking off all the goals in 3 months that were set up for the year 2011.

This is a time to re-evaluate whether you're on the right track at all, whether there has been TIME to do the things to move your career forward and what you might want to adjust in the foundation of your life to ALLOW you to blossom in 2012 in line with your vision for where you want to go.

The darkness gives us pause, some animals go into hibernation. This is your time.

And then, there's family

2011-10-20T19:46:00.000-07:00

It's a curious thing that I've never contemplated or covered how we weave our family relationships into our work lives. So allow me a pit stop there.

It's complicated. We all say "family comes first." And yet, does it really? Many of us have parents who made sure there was food to eat and shelter. To do that, they had to be absent sometimes during what were critical moments of our lives. Today's career hungry strategist has made the choice to miss even more of those family moments to gain the next promotion, to jostle to the top, to make the mark, to meet the deadline.

I'd be inauthentic in saying I have a model sense around balancing this critical work-related challenge. How do you balance being a responsible, kind, supportive and appropriate family member, while honoring work responsibilities and building a successful career?

The answer is completely individual, I suppose, and depends on the level of responsibility assumed at work AND at home. Communication seems key--to family members and to co-workers. And a true assessment of what's right for you. I have to weigh the family relationships, and there are some members of my family and friendship circle who I will excuse myself from a step up the ladder for. And frankly, there are situations where I stay focused on my career responsibilites.

There is no way that I can be all things to all aspects of my life all the time. This I'm finding is the greatest challenge of all. The balancing act of work/life.

Rough Week

2011-09-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

Some weeks are just challenging emotionally, psychologically and in the amount of things to do.

Self-care becomes critical at those times: sleep, nutrition, connection with loved ones, especially my mentors, and exercise. I've paid some extra attention to those areas and it really helps me to stay grounded. I also am challenged to look deeper at what value I put on these areas outside the realm of emergency need.

There is a lot of talk of death around me--and it makes me value my life so much more. I value that I woke up, that my body works well, that I have the emotional and psychological wherewithal to move forward into the day with energy and excitement, that I have a nice home, a wonderful partner (new as this is), and work that I love to do. I'm glad I look forward to a couple more decades to save towards a time when I can do service, slow down the work pace and enjoy an even greater quality of life in my 60s.

So instead of griping about what I have less of, I'm willing to work towards what matters. At the same time, I want to honor the will of those around me. It requires balance.

Inventory Work Habits

2011-09-18T15:17:00.000-07:00

From time to time, take a look at your work habits. Look at the day: is there a time of day that's most challenging? For me there's that blood sugar drop at 3pm: it seems the solution is a Snickers Bar, or Green and Black's. As I look closer, it's the time of day when I hit the wall. I realize around 3pm that what I set out to do and what's going to happen today is vastly different. Projects are behind schedule, chocolate is the answer.

That's as crazy as the idea that throwing more time and energy at the projects, even as simple a project as decluttering my desk and files, will solve the challenge.

The answer I'm learning is more collaborative work with the team. And that's going to kick my ass to work on: yet there it is.

Look at the week--are there more challenging times of the week than others? I've solved my Monday woe that really started on Sunday. It used to be that I lived for Fridays and chastised Mondays. The trick to even out the week for me was to start saying that Monday was my favorite day. I have no idea how it really worked, but it did. I started preparing for Mondays the way I see some people get excited for a Friday night out on the town. On Fridays, I make sure to have a great way to end the work day: usually a good talk with friends about what was stressful or fun about the week. Then I go to bed early to get some good rest, and spend Saturday morning doing the mental/emotional and physical work to get me ready for Monday: a good talk with my mentor to clarify goals for the upcoming week, as well as practical chores: clothes, groceries done by around 1pm. Then, I plan something fun for Saturday afternoon, again ensuring generous time for rest. By Sunday it feels as if I have a free day: one often spent with friends, and doing a lot of nothing. The day is often open canvas space to regroup. And again, there's a pacing to get to bed early, so by Monday morning I'm practically rearing to go.

Try to look at the year and the cycles there. I just discovered for myself that I have a definite annual cycle that peaks 3 times a year. It's during those times that I need to be particularly thoughtful about how I support myself outside of work. It's a bad time to take vacation days, or have a lot going on with social outings.

There is inevitable madness at work, however, some time being objective about the ebb and flow of your work, your own rhythms, over the day, week, quarter or year, can help you develop a more strategic approach to getting work done in balance with being human, in a sustainable way. This review of work habits and patterns of your role, can help you figure out the right support systems needed, and make reasonable proposals to your supervisor and others about what will make the role you perform more successful.

Resistance is Futile

2011-08-28T03:28:00.000-07:00

Defiance is foolish. Storms rage change on a massive scale. When we get the memo on these things; information overloaded as we are, we must pay attention. The blithe type A New Yorker in us, would love to dismiss seismic dissonance as a blip on the radar of success and our drive to achievement of career goals, however, this Irene is a full stop: a period in the angling towards promotions and new positions and networking.

Pause: assess the things that matter and keep them as safe as possible. Follow the preparedness suggestions with the same diligence as an exact spreadsheet for your boss. This is your life; not some checkbox to fill out.

And take the time in the quiet of the storm to assess the damage before barrelling back into the fray of work. Check on loved ones. Listen to the tension in your own body: do yoga, go for a run, shake off the effects of the agitated preparation, the wait, the held breath, the experience. Breathe into what happened, note the learnings and THEN move forward.

As with all change, there is something or someone that is lost. Mourning becomes you. It is a human birthright. So honor Irene's wrath; she is a force of nature.

Summer Camp

2011-08-23T10:21:00.000-07:00

The lessons we learned as kids during summer camp and vacations apply to us as adults. We need the respite to keep our saw sharp, our intuition alive and our emotional centeredness. We can reclaim our delight in life when we take breaks. So it is essential to use the days off we can use during the warm months especially if we live in the northeast Americas. The truth is that work just keeps piling up and there's always more to do. It is even tempting to check devices on the beach, however, we really do need to tune out of the things to do and tune into ourselves for truly healthy careers.

It's a marathon, our lives, not a sprint.

And so today is one of those days: I went to the beach, rode the Wantagh Parkway Bike Trail, had a delicious slow lunch and am "chilling" at my pad. It feels so wicked good.

Live well.

Daily Reflection

2011-08-11T05:25:00.000-07:00

Journal each day first thing in the morning when you get out of bed. See Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way" for even more morning practice ideas. For now, just get up 5 minutes earlier than you need to, in order to get to work. Write out for 5 minutes long hand in a journal with the date at the top of the page: "What I Want for my Life". Just keep writing each day: it can be bullet points, it can be a story, it can be your anger, just write every day.

And then review it with a friend or trusted mentor. Come up with some clear statements about what you desire. It's interesting to talk with someone else about how you can move towards that.

When I think about what I want for my life, I consider a couple things: what is it that God is calling me to do? what are the things that have come to me easily in my life? what have others given me feedback about that was valuable to them that I contributed? how can I turn these things into a career that helps me make the income to pay my bills and live a life of which I feel healthy pride?

You can write about what you do each day, you can include time spent with family and friends, dating, travel, how long your commute is, how you feel each day, how much rest you get each night, what kind of people you work with, who your best friends and mentors are, the effect your talent (acting, singing, accounting, managing) has on others, what you eat regularly etc.

What you want for your life encompasses all that you experience day to day including work (where we spend the majority of our time.)

What is there to LOVE about Work?

2011-08-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

It seems more and more of us are experiencing days when work just seems to explode. It's either that it just comes at us faster and harder, or that there's that one issue that becomes so much more than in needed to be. And there's this constant balancing act between nurturing the relationships and checking of the "done" box on the "to do" list.

And the bigger picture of why you do what you do in the world seems to fade away.

Take some time to remind yourself of your bigger purpose. Take a deep breath and exhale. Identify one thing that's the most important for tomorrow to feel successful. Ask what you need to do to protect that success. This becomes an anchor to get you to rest tonight, and to get excited again to get back in the game tomorrow.

The other thing is to ask yourself during dinner, or a walk in the rain, along the beach, what you need to help you succeed. It may be impossible to get this resource even this year, but what could help you build a career of which you're proud. The dramatic changes in careers happen over time. Vision it, find the smaller action steps and then do the actions. What I love about the work I'm doing with my current clients, is that I can see where they are going, and whether or not they see it too, it seems so logical and inevitable from my coaching standpoint. I often fail to see that in myself.

I even miss the growth and development trajectory of my own past.

So take a moment to dream of what a day at work would be with joy and laughter and ease, with the appropriate amount of risk and challenge, rather than the overwhelm that you might feel now. Plan to brainstorm with your supervisor around solutions. We always ask for more headcount and more money, but what are other creative solutions? Doing less? Pausing certain projects? Getting a brilliant local intern who gets college credit and a small stipend? Working from home? Come up with ideas that meet your needs and the company goals. And most of all: practice patience and think win-win.

Pay Attention to the Guideposts

2011-07-13T17:51:00.000-07:00

A career is a tender thing. Derailing is so easy and yet a few basic steps can help you stay on the right path. These are the things on which I'm focusing:

1. Sleep. Work to get myself to bed on time as much as possible with an aim to getting 7-8 hours.
2. Nutrition. Of course the 3pm cookie seems to be the only solution to the stress, however, the roller coaster it takes the body on can cost a fortune later. Better to bring the carrots and have them handy.
3. Networking. The work on the desk is critical. The people I know in my industry who do my function and their managers in other companies are invaluable. The lunches, breakfasts and associations are critical to building a career. People hire people they know, and the current job is no guarantee of career development or continuance.
4. Breaks. Whether it's a bathroom break or a well deserved couple of days off, take them. The pause allows the muscles that have become taught in doing to relax and repair, become more effective when next engaged.
5. Kindness and Courtesy at Work. It's too easy to be brusque. A breath or smile can help interactions go more successfully, building goodwill and good days in a bank for those moments when exasperation comes from left field.
6. Pacing Myself. Probably the hardest. Life is a marathon. Look out across a year of time and adjust the goal settings if they become too aggressive and point to burn out.

Draft your Dream Job

2011-06-15T19:36:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, just for kicks, take a blank piece of paper and write out your ideal next job. Keep all the things you do now that you love, drop the things you're less good at or have mastered and want to let go, and fill the remaining space with stretch tasks and goals.

Then write out the names of people who have your ideal job. Make a plan to reach out to them and have a 15 to 20 minute coffee break with them over the next month.

Find out what it would take for you to get to the next job that's right for you. Do you need to ask for a stretch assignment? Would you be willing to make some time outside work hours to work on a related project with a mentor? Maybe do some volunteering in line with the new vision work?

I suggest that you create a plan and list the milestones. It will amazing you in December how much closer you are to your vision, if you're just a little deliberate about it. Once you've created a plan for yourself, ask a friend to keep you accountable. Show them your action plan and let them help you keep it realistic and action-oriented.

Work Well

Reunion

2011-06-03T06:42:00.000-07:00

Time and again I think it's a great idea to reunite with those we learned life's powerful lessons. In the time between we go in different directions. It's a guidepost to rejoin and reflect on the years past.

Lauren, Neva, Dana and I chatted at Rusch's last night and it was as if the past 20 years melted away. AND yet we'd had a lifetime inbetween as well. It's a little surreal and I'm reeling from the effect.

Humans.

We gain from our life experiences. It's wild that I scoffed at wisdom when I was 20, and thought I knew it all. Looking at my classmates, maps on their faces, I'd never give that wisdom up now for money or fame--it's what makes life rich. I know I see through more grounded eyes, and feel with a more potent compassion.

We in the Class of 1991 see more, feel more and frankly I believe enjoy more. Those here for their fifth reunion are in a different place. And there is for all of us, vulnerability in revisiting this place that binds us and which we love.

I hope for you, that you'll brave the fear of rejoining, and do this too. I made amends already to a lover from freshman year. I am listening to others and being helpful where I'd rant about my own life incessantly in my narcissistic way and babble on as if the world revolved around my experience. So far, reunion has given me perspective: I am an adult. I'm someone I feel proud to live in the experience of, and my love for this place which helped shaped the man I am today, grows.

I'm gaining more than I ever gave. Now that's an investment worthwhile. Give well.

Mindfulness

2011-05-10T04:12:00.000-07:00

A career is enhanced by being thoughtful. Find time to pause during the day to evaluate the effectiveness of actions taken. That's what we used to do back then when we took lunch.

It was an opportunity to debrief the morning, often with colleagues, and then to effectively address the core concerns in the afternoon.

We've lost lunch, so what are other ways to induce this pause. Find a water cooler moment to check in with someone else--be deliberate. Go beyond "nice day out," and "how was the weekend," and introduce, if only for yourself, a moment to reflect on "how busy" it is today and one "adjustment" you might make today to ease the stress so it's channeled well instead of over-running you.

Will you breathe before returning that voicemail? Will you count silently while the client berates and demands, maybe even curses and ask the person to bring the tone down to a professional level so you can address their concerns? Will you stop before you work 10 hours today realizing that effectiveness drops significantly after we reach double digit hours worked in one day, and make note of the things to address first the next day after you've got some rest?

Mindfulness: a pause in action to focus the next actions so that you're more effective. Call it meditation, or what you will, it is the additive to our human doingness that allows our human beingness.

Work well.

An Incredible Life

2011-05-04T18:16:00.000-07:00

You know, I'm on the tail end of a very stressful project. It's all work I love. In fact, I muse over the fact that pretty much everything in my life is what I want, just stressful in that positive stress. I want to do and be more of what I am and it's hard to do that when there are 24 hours and I'm getting older. Hard to believe I'm past 40.

When did that happen?

I love the work I do, the people I do it with. I had some fun time with my brother and it made me realize how lucky I am to have a great family (which I took for granted for so long.) I love this city and living in it. Had the joy of cycling 15 miles to and from work today. It's eerie how many things in my life feel just right.

And it's spring: life awakens and tickles me nose. Yes, allergies, and yet I'd never trade the beauty of this season. Let the pollen flow.

Colgate's Alumni Council

2011-04-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

After 6 years of service on Colgate's Alumni Council, I "retired" yesterday. It's amazing what I learned by attending the meetings on campus 3 times each year. Watching the college grow stronger over time is amazing. Hearing what each part of the university does to build the total picture--sometimes completely overwhelming.

My favorite work was with the students and younger alumni. They taught me with their optimism and their curiosity about others and life. We shared our life experiences to help them make their next right choices. We built on the Real World program and added the Maroon Advantage. As alumni we built our own networking skills, raising Colgate's "hello" tradition to new heights.

I'll miss this service so much, that I'm already identifying ways I can continue to stay connected and give back to a "place" which feels more and more to be a family home.

My learning: invest in a place and its people and notice how that act of giving returns to you more than you can ever give.

I will really miss RuthAnn Loveless, and moreso because she's stepping down from her role on campus in charge of Alumni Affairs and doing a new chapter of her life to bring her closer to her own core family and personal life. And yet, with Colgate (graduated 20 years ago) and RuthAnn, it's up to me to keep the relationships fresh.

Invest in meaningful human connections through places you love. Volunteering builds a network that can be your safety net in your next job search. It warms the heart and fills you up beyond your day to day work. So do it.

Live well.

Sunlight and Supermoon

2011-03-19T14:19:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what the sunlight does to the cold.

And it's unbelievable how dark it gets at night--thank all that's good for the moonlight. And this full moon is closser and brighter. We need that metaphor to take us through this dark age.

I think we're all affected by the winter of discontent. And we are also affected by these dark days in Libya and Egypt: northern Africa. We're still coming out of a recession. We still have the bank issue--it's just been crisis averted for now. If we're awake and alert, we're all scared straight (pardon the awful pun).

So how do we believe in anything, even as the earth's tilt into spring, and the budding of flowers tell us that the seasons are somewhat intact?

I'm still gratefully naive enough to continue to believe in the sun. It still rises every day. We still tilt closer to it after winter and warm. The moon still shines brightly in the dark night.

Though tsunamis destroy thousands of lives, and crazy people destroy nations and their careers, we must still believe. We must still day by day, continue to create worthwhile careers. And on weekends, as I do now with Glee, we must rest.

There is something bigger than all of this in charge and believing is doing our part.

That's my take on living well today.

When I Grow Up

2011-02-17T11:56:00.000-08:00

Real World Weekend at Colgate is one of my favorite weekends of the year. I get to see some of my favorite people from the Class of 1991. And I spend time with the professors, staff and administrators who most influenced my learning and development at Colgate and after Colgate. I literally grew up and continue to develop as a result of my relationship with alma mater.

People often tell me they have no idea what they want to do when they grow up. I've struggled with that for decades myself.

I'd encourage you to be deliberate about your own career exploration throughout your time at Colgate. As early as your first year, start a career notebook separate from your other notebooks and diaries (if you keep such things), and of course you could store this career journal in a vlog, blog or twitterfeed. Your call.

You are documenting what you enjoy and what feels unnecessarily challenging. For example, I had a really hard time with Statistics, but I was a Math Major. I loved Abstract Algebra. In retrospect, I've learned I'm a man who loves complex ideas, but nuts and bolts is harder for me to get. I love the process and less the bottom line results. I still took Statistics, and I still try my best to balance my finances today, however, that was my lowest grade and finances just still get in my way. My first job was an actuary (I had the right major and aptitude for the job), however, I ran out of that building after an internship and my first year on the job, as if my hair was on fire. I wish I'd followed sooner, what I think I knew at Colgate: that people and ideas were my thing: not numbers and finance and statistics.

Over time, documenting things you find easy, will reveal the disciplines that are a natural fit for you. That will help you define the industry that's best: e.g. Biology lovers might end up in Medicine. Start talking with others: students, professors, parents, people back home, about what responsible people in the world do with those subject areas. What do they do day to day? Would you enjoy that? What associations do they join? What graduate degrees if any do they get? What would they do if they were you now to prepare themselves for a successful career in their company?

Notice as you talk with grown ups that there are different functions in every industry. For example, those who love working with people have different functions than those who prefer ideas. People Biologists might guide patient choices day to day, Idea Biologists might do research and present at conferences.

Also, if you have multiple interests: mine were High Concept Theoretical Math, Modern Theater/Dance, and Philosophy then it's exciting to see where the intersection lands you. My interests led me to a deep concern for other human beings in their careers. An interest in International Politics and Geography might lead you to Global Initiatives around Warming or Green Energy. Ask others what they really value about you and the impact you have on them: tell them you're sorting through your career options and you'd love their thoughts. Make note of what they say and be sure to diversify who you ask. You should end up with an industry or two, and a function. And for kicks, you might add your values and what matters.

Start thinking of location too: city versus rural area, US versus international.

Pick the activities at Colgate and the summer jobs that align with the ideas that most resonate with you. Colgate is a place to explore what you love doing. Of course, I had to make money for books during the summers, so I sort of went for the money jobs during the summer. However, at Colgate, my club activities and the leadership positions lined up with what my true passions.

Sophomore Fall is a good time to draft your first resume. Take it to the Career Center and start having someone look it over to give you tips on shaping a great format. Learn all about effective bullet points to highlight your experiences. Start gathering the names of alumni and family friends who do what you'd love to do based on interests you've developed. These informational interviews with people who earn their living doing what you love doing for free can help you map out classes that would be good to take, and summer experiences that would be valuable to prepare you for your first entry level job. Aim to have a personal Board of Directors: a few people who are rooting for you to land well after Colgate who you really trust.

Try to have as honest a conversation as you can with your parents or other sponsors of your Colgate education. Looking back, I had a hard time convincing my father that Theater had any relevance or could help sustain my livelihood in the world. In fact, for whatever reason, I never ended up making liveable wages from theater, however, my Colgate stage experiences and what I was able to do with it in the world gave me the skill and comfort to stand in front of employees in Corporate America in sessions today about their careers with ease. As I've learned to have honest, true and respectful conversations with Mom and Dad, I have more powerful conversations with my employers and with key stakeholders in my life. Part of growing up is having hard conversations. If you struggle in this area, reach out to Conant House and get some sessions under your belt to boost your self esteem and gravitas to respectfully get the support you need from your family and loved ones. A life lived close to your passion is a life worth living.

By your senior year, I hope you'll be easily able to list around 10 companies which would be exciting for you. Think about where you'd first love to live and work. Think about size of company, whether you'd prefer a global enterprise or a start up operation, for profit or otherwise, to work with people or ideas or things. Basically, draft your dream first job or learning experience after Colgate and THEN go looking for it. It's so interesting that back when I graduated we'd look at the job listings and try to fit ourselves into them. Now the guidance is first go inside and then look around the world for the matching position.

The clear advantage of a Colgate education is that it can take you almost anywhere. It still tickles me that I can pick almost any company, organization or cause and probably find a Colgate name therein. And that we as an alumni body tend to drift into leadership positions. So dig deep, find your calling, and connect with the wonderful network of 'gaters in the world who are part of your career tribe. We're waiting to welcome you into the Real World. go 'gate.

The Perks of Writing a Musical

2011-02-15T05:04:00.000-08:00

You know, there are perks to writing a musical. Singing is speaking multiplied. Taking deeper breaths increases the oxygen in the lungs. And what you sing is more believed than what you say. People remember it better than spoken word because there is music to go with the language.

So I support https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/858783783/the-perks-of-writing-a-musical. It's the vision of someone I've got to know over the years. I support Tom because he's doing what I often write about: stepping into his dreams. He came up with an idea of a project he would really feel fulfilled bringing to life. He's figuring out how to do this project within his means and he's gathering others to join him in making it real.

There's great humility in asking others to join your idea. It is a measure of self esteem to be that brave. And so I dedicate this post to Tom Diggs and all those brave enough to put their baby visions out in the world and to ask a community to join them in raising their baby.

Yes, there are perks and there is great strength in writing a musical. It's very grown up.

Work well.

Love Life

2011-01-31T16:41:00.000-08:00

I think loving life is important. This is about having a love affair with your own life.

One way to do that is through food that's healthy and fun. If you're a smoothie person, try this one I discovered today:

Quarter of a Cucumber (with skin)
Half an Apple (I used a Gala apple, with skin)
A tablespoon of fresh squeezed Lemon
1/4 cup of cold water
1/2 cup cold crushed Pineapple

Blend. So yummy! Makes you think of summer and lemonade, while filling you up with yummy calories and fiber!

By the way, I've also put crushed mint leaves and cut up cucumbers in water to soak overnight: so delicious and refreshing.

Eat and drink well, to live well.

The World is in Chaos

2011-01-30T06:04:00.000-08:00

Maybe we've become the little Dutch boy who tried to stay awake and plug every leaking hole in the dykes. And we all know what happened to the Dutch empire.

The world has always been in chaos: the illusion of control is seductive and compelling. However, there is a difference from what we study in biology and geology and the "apparent" laws of nature which we sometimes believe govern (see Copernicus). There is something bigger and we have to honor that.

What we learn in our dialogue witht he earth and its people, is the will of that which truly pushes the daises up from the earth, and moves the ocean, the tectonic plates and twinkles the stars. We must govern ourselves, look up and treat others with honestry, justice (as best we know it), and compassion.

And so as I become more adult, I begin this process internally, which makes me a better citizen of the planet. And so I become more useful in my relationships. I'm moved to send thoughts to Egypt and the people there, and to all of us who as this ripples through our world, we are all affected.

Live well with others.

Alma Mater

2011-01-15T23:06:00.000-08:00

Undergraduate college years are powerful. Colgate University shaped my life and influences who I am at work. At each company, I've tried to find the other 'gaters. It makes for a sense of family beyond the days life seemed so much simpler and our loyalty to each other was unshakeable.

When we played other schools in sports, we were all cheering for the same team. We had our internal rivalries, fraternities/sororities, special interest houses, race, class...a microcosm of society, and yet we worked hard and we played hard together and it's almost impossible to ignore someone else in New York City wearing Colgate gear. You almost have to say hello.

It was wonderful spending a few days up there, connecting with the administration and the students. There is as the new president emphasizes, a sense of place there. It grounds us as we forge ahead in our varying careers. It serves as a shaping of thought and ideal center: the place we discovered our individual values: a combination of our family of origin stream, our intellectual stream and our adult development. 18-21 are magical years: our transformation from child to adult. It's remarkable being there for the seniors poised to do great things in the world and to explore with them what that means.

And it is almost overwhelming to sit with the decisions and choices they make in their personal, physical health (especially around alcohol), sexuality, studies, career, affinity...how we ever made it through this odyssey astounds me.

My cohort, the class of 1991, gets to celebrate 20 years post-graduation in May. I hope we'll all find a way to give back to Colgate. Help us push past our 400 million dollar campaign Passion for the Climb, help us demonstrate the passion we have about this place, and celebrate what we had together then, and is always ours if we visit.

Live well.

Be Still

2011-01-06T05:12:00.001-08:00

So far so good on the staying still concept.

I tell you, life moves fast. And my commitment this year is to breathe.

Still.

to resolve or to skip the resolutions, that is the question

2011-01-01T12:27:00.000-08:00

there's a distinct anti-new year's day resolution movement. the idea is that resolutions set you up to fail, or that one should live a life that you're proud of all year long.

that's nice. and i do that.

however, there is something about setting goals and measuring success against them that ignites the human spirit in a different way than just letting life happen.

there is a way to use resolutions to punish myself and do more harm than good. we all know that.

there is also a middle place where we "aim for the moon" and land among the stars to paraphrase W. Clement Stone's oft-quoted thought. i like starry skies so i'll take the time today to reflect on the year past, assess what went well and identify what i'd like to do differently. then i can adjust my aims in 2011 and i even allow myself flexibility during the year. yes, this day is arbitrary, and in fact was never always the "first" day of the year. it does however serve in many societal dealings as the start date of each revolution of the planet. so there. i'm going to trust the wisdom of our planet's decision to turn again.

i'm aiming to eat better, sleep better, work more effectively and build stronger relationships with the core people in my life including my co-workers, family and friends. i listed co-workers first because i spend most of my life time with them, though my love and attachment is more aimed at family and friends. i want more quality time with family and friends in 2011. i guess at my age i'm tender to the fragility of time.

i do have my own personal measures of success around these things, however, suffice to say here that i want to keep focus throughout the year on these resolutions.

whichever way you go on this resolve or no resolutions topic, may you have a year filled with dreams come true in life and work.

Intrepid

2010-12-27T17:10:00.000-08:00

We've all had our moments defying reason: and the New Yorkers (including me) who braved going to work are intrepid. There's good and crazy about that. Hardly will comment on that balance.

However, I have to say there was some glee in jumping around in blizzard snowdrifts up to my calves, and seeing the fortitude in the faces of those who brave wild snow falls. It's defying gravity.

Had a good workout, then hit the deck early at work to do a one-two punch at the things that needed doing. I was spent after the trek home, for some nosh and reflection, and possibly some entertainment while listening to the wind blow snow up the walls outside and shape ice designs in swirling landscapes of white.

You have to give Nature her due: she is mighty.

Live Well in Balance with Nature.

And Tiny Tim Too

2010-12-25T13:09:00.000-08:00

Most times, people avoid kids on flights.

For some reason I sat beside this tyke on the plane, his mom had another younger one who needed lots of attention and somehow I became Dad for a plane trip. And, I had the most amazing time.

Seeing the world through the eyes of a child, makes the world intensely magical. He was so excited about everything. When I read him the story books about animals and letters, he was so happy and alive. Letters...who gets excited about the letters of the alphabet, or the button that turns on the reading light on the plane? Kids do. And I noticed in my "adult mode" that I take almost everything for granted.

So for an hour I was five again with this kid I'd never met before and we had a blast.

I am home and all the lights, and things that click seem more magical. His enthusiasm and passion for life are with me now. I think work will be more fun on Monday, than it would have been had I never met this kid. So here's to kids: may their excitement and view of life infuse us adults so we too can laugh and use our outside voices inside sometimes and smile and charm and delight.

LIVE WELL!

Courage

2010-12-23T02:50:00.000-08:00

The angels said to the shepherds, "be of courage. Tonight is born a King."

There's something in there about the journey from boy to man in the story. There's something about the journey from dark to light--shortest day of the year to summer.

As we set goals at work in our performance reviews, as we revisit our families of origin... As we build our families of choice, this is a time of year for reflection. What went well, what would I change?

It is time to call upon support--the darker the days, the more help we need and DESERVE. Call dear friends. Acknowledge those who have been of greatest support this year. The gift of saying, "thank you" thoughtfully is worth diamonds and other expensive things we feel obliged to purchase and wrap and send. Focus most on the thought behind the giving, rather than the thing, especially if to do so stretches an already tight spending plan.

Focus on the spirit behind the gratitude. People will feel that more: it's less the action than the intention and the expression of that intention with others that is the gift. That is also crucial as you spread love at work.

Live well.

Professional Organizer

2010-12-10T05:39:00.000-08:00

I just met a professional organizer. What struck me most about her is her PASSION for what she does. If you can find a thing to do in life that wakes you up when you talk about it: that's when you know you're doing the right thing in building your career.

I've rarely seen that in others. Most people seem to satisfice around their careers.

So, probably my first 'endorsement' goes to Dara Finkel at http://www.spacialharmony.com/. Check out the site (an organizational beauty in of itself), and reach out if you're challenged with ineffective home or office spaces. Just looking at the before and after shots on her site encourages me to tackle end of year through 2011, reducing my clutter-enabled ineffectiveness. Yet one more step towards growing up and being the man I want to be in the world.

Go Dara!

Thank You

2010-11-25T15:02:00.000-08:00

After a delicious dinner, singing along with Annie Lennox's new fab Christmas Album and dancing to older Annie in my living room, I'm settling in for requisite couch time. It's been a blessed day. I'm grateful for my supervisor, my co-workers, the company with which I work. I'm enjoying work because of them. I'm grateful for the colleagues who've trusted me with their concerns: they've allowed me many opportunities to show my value in the office.

I'm grateful for my growth and development, my willingness to engage in the process of becoming the best gay adult Black man I can be on earth. I get feedback that I have positive impact on others.

I'm grateful for the deep connections I have with my godson, family members, friends, mentors and mentees.

My home feels blessed, my health has been touched by angels: I move with grace and ease and I love what I see in the mirror (inside and out), and my connection with something bigger than myself feels eternal.

Life is good. Live well.

Giving Back in Gratitude

2010-11-21T03:04:00.000-08:00

I'm paying it forward today. Got up for the run for those shut in and who struggle to feed themselves. I've been given gifts of mentoring, opportunity, protection, health and guidance from something bigger than myself. Without those gifts, I'd be shut in and in need of the help that God's Love We Deliver gives.

So I'm doing something for them. It warms my heart and keeps me humble.

Less is More

2010-11-18T05:20:00.000-08:00

I overdo.

Period.

Ugh. So identifying the right actions to take is the name of the game. There are 24 hours in a day: go.

It's the other tough thing for me to exercise right now. First moderation in eating (especially late night sugar, which just jacks up my systems). Second, next right action. What's the next right thing to do? Sometimes, it's listen. Sometimes it's breathe. Sometimes is fast twitch muscle activate and execute. Rarely though, is a successful day a frenetic marathon of action.

I've developed a bad habit of ruthless checking the box. It's time to let it go.

Even at the gym, I've been advised to select quality exercises, do less repetitions and feel the burn anyway. Most importantly, it was suggested I'd get better results. Even there, my fast-paced, BRING IT, do it all mentality fails. Ugh.

Slow it down, focus on FORM and breathe. Work well.

The beginning

2010-11-16T05:44:00.000-08:00

I was 11 when I figured out that I wanted to be more thoughtful around 3 things.

And at 41 I'm still thinking about those 3 things. Mysterious, I know. For the next 10 days, I'm going to dive into action about them. And I'll reflect afterwards about how I did. What have you always thought about making change around in your life? What can YOU do for 10 days about those things?

Today, and over the last couple days, I've been reminded that I do have impact by the way I LIVE my life.

It's humbling, and I'm grateful. I want to step up my game. Correction: I'm stepping up my game so I can be of service by example.

I love the A-list

2010-11-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

The A-list is Gossip Girl for gays: a frothy eclair for turning the brain off. And yet, in response to some who'd analyze it, I think there's something to say for the underbelly of distorted personalities depicted. I say it's a collective call for us to get better as a community in the way we tell our stories and treat each other, now that we've got some stuff. We've had a fiery time forging our identities in a world that can be hostile. The jaw-dropping cruelty (beyond dangerous liaisons) depicted during the A-list episodes borders on farce, and yet, I'd challenge us to notice that the farce is only a smidgen heightened for dramatic effect in the circles some of us aspire to enter. The face: one of utter disdain betraying no vulnerability or hurt and the collection of humans as figurines to decorate our coffee tables and scream, "I belong here," damage more than the pin prick to keep our lips supple, taut and puckered. The other places that we are creating: Rowe, Easton Mountain, Unity, Sacred Center--these point us to the next LGBTQI revolution, our next Stonewall--forging identities that make us humble, rather than proud. I've worked in other communities that have large gay populations and it's the humility and the facing of the past damage, growing from it together, that makes me most happy to be me. Cutting someone out of a social circle is pure high school. Let's all make a plan to grow up.

The hardest thing I've EVER done

2010-10-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Simple sugars are the thing to hurdle.

I use them to moderate my feelings. I wanted what I wanted today, and I failed to get it: it could be anything on any given day: I just like getting what I want. And the soothe, the mother's milk is to suck on some chocolate. A good donut, or slice of cake, pie, there are other vague approximations that work too.

And gay men (the ultimate sufferers of body dysmorphia) should never be told their body fat percentage. What does that 10% number MEAN anyway? It drives me to chocolate biscotti and drinking ginger beer while obsessing about the 18g of sugar in the ginger beer.

What does this have to do with anything work related? Well, everything: I have to navigate an intense work day of hurdles, requests, concerns, and then in the midst, feed myself. I want to be thoughtful about the fuel I put in the engine. When sugar seems to be a comfort it challenges the very systems it's meant to soothe: there's a brain chemistry here (and the comfort/ease of chocolate--hits the same part of the brain as you-know-what). Well, you have to be careful--I have to be careful with the stuff.

There are company's who incentivize (is that even a word) healthy behaviors now. We should all be internally motivated to be healthy physically, nutritionally: the world's a better place with healthy people. In a wild suicidal act though, the more I stress, the more attached I get to outcomes in the world, the more I want to be soothed.

What's all this breathing, yoga, healthy confrontation techniques, fierce conversations, boundaries, self-care stuff got to do with anything? Gimme sugar.

To grow up as any kind of man, I gotta give myself hope: that day at a time, I can let go the blankie and step up my game. For three weeks, I'm going to give some concerted effort to this cause. Hardest thing I've ever done.

Paid Time Off

2010-10-25T10:28:00.000-07:00

I think time away from work is crucial to work effectiveness. Whether it's a break in the day, or a couple days away from work entirely (plus the weekend), this is time to put work into perspective and engage in the things that enrich a life.

I'm cooking some carrot soup for dinner, and warming up some chicken and rice (leftovers) for lunch at home. I'm enjoying the fall leaves outside my home. I ran a couple errands.

It's just calming me to have home cooked smells and the view from my window ease into my consciousness amidst reflections of what's really important. A friend of my mother's just died. An acquaintance my age has recently died as well. My cousin just got married.

As I sit and reflect in peaceful quiet, it occurs to me that I want to be a kind person. I want to be thoughtful and present in my life, because I have no idea if it will end quickly now, or later. These types of reflections influence how I show up at work in a day or two when paid time off is over.

And so I'm a big fan of this time. Quiet, reflective time.

Spirit Day 10 20 2010

2010-10-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

Whether we're gay teens or just workers who feel hassled, domination destroys and has little up side.

When we feel we're right and someone else is wrong, conversation and kindness are more powerful than whipping someone else into submission. Afterall, human behavior is driven by more complex forces than usually meet the eye. There is often a whole world beyond the simplest act.

We can use a little more compassion between Republicans and Democrats, Type A's and the rest of us, gays and straights (and all those inbetween), Whites and Blacks (and the rainbow ethnicities that have since become crucial to our world). We can use more listening, and less dogma.

Start in the little ways. Notice someone who's been unheard in meetings and find time to get their opinion. The quiet among us have some of the most brilliant ideas, pressed into diamonds because they've taken on the pressure of all that is input around them.

Be a mentor to an LGBT kid in your neighborhood. GLSEN's setting some of that up, or volunteer for the Trevor Project. You'll gain so much more than the strength you'll give. You'll learn about your own courage and celebrate your life more. Septuagenarians say you'll live longer. What do I know, I'm still 41. It's going beyond our little egos that makes us healthier community members and in turn more effective at work.

So give a little of yourself, let a little of your ideas float in silence. Work and live well.

It Gets Better

2010-10-17T06:03:00.000-07:00

I spent some time watching the It Gets Better videos last night. Moving stuff. My favorite is the singing from the Chicago Gay Men's Chorus. It's wild how song works.

The world needs all our talents. I'm good at storytelling. I'm good at helping humans align their being with their doing. To get really good at what I do, I constantly have to get better at aligning my own being with my doing. It's hard work. I think our careers help us focus on our deepest wounding as human beings, and as we get better, we develop power in that very area where we're broken. We get stronger than most other humans around that and we can GIVE that strength to others to help them along on the human journey.

And that's our career.

I think firemen saw some hopeless stuff growing up and are COMPELLED to run into burning buildings to do the impossible task of saving someone from fire. Nurses run TO broken bones and tend to them. I run to broken souls: I see someone struggling with the meaning of their work in the world and it pains me so much that I must help.

The conversation about broken gay teens breaks my heart. I know there's no way I can wrap them all in my hug and heal them. However, each day at work, I can tend to a broken soul and give hope. It's what I can do. So maybe that person will be less inclined to harm the others or herself down the line. It gets better and I can help.

My Best Life

2010-10-13T05:08:00.000-07:00

Who do you want to be in the world?

This is different from WHAT you do in the world. This is different than the service you provide to the universe. This is different from the volunteer work you do. This is who you ARE.

Who are you?

Who is the best you in the world?

And what gets in your way? For me sometimes it's anger at something in the past. Anger at Carl Paladino and the many who agree with him who often feel compelled to silence, yet harbor such rage at who I am and act it out in laws, beliefs, actions, attitudes that leave me feeling spent without even lifting a finger. Sometimes it's sadness at the pain in the past: whether it is discrimination against me because of my social status, the color of my skin, my sexuality, my sero-status (HIV+), that I live 15 miles off the island of Manhattan, that I was molested as a young boy etc. Sometimes it's pure fear. Or rage. Or depression. Or such overwhelm at all that's left to do that I feel paralysis (self-contained rage).

Today, I'm going to make a choice. To act as my best self. That self might breathe deeply into those feelings and choose DIFFERENT coping mechanisms. A small action in the direction of my dreams instead of sitting in paralysis. Talking a thought or feeling that seems a little crazy through with a friend who understands and is nuturing and kind (vs sarcastic, bitter, and more depressing.) Today I choose to see the good: that man is trying to express himself. This woman is having a bad day and believes I'm strong enough to help. That though I feel brittle and helpless, someone else feels I can take it so they dished it and I'm man enough to defend, protect and help myself without harming others unduly.

This is my best self. This is my best life (given the cards I'm dealt.) And I feel lighter and excited about the day. I face today's work challenges with a smile and firm drive. (Besides the fact that working out and a good bowl of oatmeal with granola uplifts the spirits.)

Live and work well.

Best Day Today

2010-10-11T05:17:00.001-07:00

Today is your best day.

It's my best day.

Today is the day to live life.

Consider this possibility: what if the way you lived your life today mattered? What if you looked back on your life and this day was important?

Live it as if you had to review it later and be accountable, to you, the best of you.

Live well.

Life is Perfect

2010-10-09T05:09:00.000-07:00

It is easy to get distracted by goals. It is easy to point the finger at the coal miners stuck, the sludge-filled river, the preacher accused of having sex with the most vulnerable in his care.

However, this glosses over the fact that life is good. In fact, life is perfect--filled with good things.

A perfect day: imagine how much it takes for a day to be perfect. Blue skies, great temperature for hiking or biking or lounging and looking out the window. A perfect day to ease someone's pain, to show up for a friend, to have a wedding.

A perfect life: a job, people who I love working with, things to do I love, healthy body mind soul, a dance and a light in my eyes, people in my life who I love: the cousin who's getting married and her amazing son, my godson.

I have bitched and moaned about so many hurtful things in my life. I was on the verge of suicide myself as a teen gay boy, wondering if all I was would be prey for older gay men, target of bullying and vengeful hate from all the straight people around me and fodder for jokes, taunts and the projection of all that society never wants to own. I was stuck in psychic toxic sludge absorbing messages that never came from God (all that is good) or from within.

As I bring light to my psyche, and stay close to those who love, I find that the world is safe, beautiful and wise. Never do life alone: the side effects of hurt can turn the mind into a spiral downward. Friendship, finding your own true tribe, love and healing can turn the darkest cloud to blue sky life.

I believe, because it happened to me.

Live well. It gets better.

Dan Savage's "It gets Better"

2010-10-05T18:46:00.000-07:00

I've been particularly disturbed by the conversation on gay teen suicide. And upset by the gay bashing at the Stonewall Inn. And while I have no clear details about these events, it has me reflecting on the hurt around sexuality during my own shaping years: both what I experienced and how I participated in hurting myself, which formed me, and shapes how I show up at work today.

How I express myself as a gay adult. I've made mistakes myself.

I rarely re-post, however, it first strikes me that Dan Savage is doing some good in reaching out to teens to let them know, "it gets better." Because it inspires, I think, all of us to salve the wounding that happens to us as we grow up. It inspires us to stop bullying each other, and to be more loving and kind as we try to make it: to create the abundance through our work to live rich lives.

And what made me cry was a straight father's comments through a story and a vision that came to him in walking his son:

Jack Baker says,

Some twenty-years ago I was out for a walk with my son, then four years old. We were strolling past the home of an openly gay couple who had just moved in some weeks before. Now my son, being the astute observer of all things in the universe, noticed the two women sitting on the porch were holding hands. “Daddy, why are those ladies holding hands?” My immediate response was “Because they are gay.” I then braced myself for what I expected was going to be a flurry of questions that I really wasn’t prepared for, or for that matter capable of answering to the satisfaction or comprehension of his four-year old mind when he asked me, “Do they love each other?” “Why yes. I’m sure they do” I replied. He looked up at me with a big smile and said, “Then that’s good.” We walked on.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could look at the issue of gay marriage with the simplistic beauty of that four-year old mind? A couple shows up at the Clerk’s office for a Marriage License. They hand over all of the proper forms and fees to the clerk. Like your typical State or County employee, the task at hand isn’t even worthy of his looking up from the racing form he is so diligently studying and he says, “Do you love each other?” The couple replies “Why yes.”

“THEN THAT’S GOOD”

Live well with each other, for good's sake.

Read more on this quote at: http://www3.timeoutny.com/chicago/blog/out-and-about/2010/09/dan-savage-tells-teenagers-that-it-gets-better/#ixzz11XS4eYwS

Colgate, Alma Mater

2010-10-03T07:37:00.000-07:00

As alumni we're working on gathering as many of us under the tent as we can.

It's amazing that I fall more in love with Colgate over the years. There are a few institutions I love: The Center in NYC, Colgate and Rowe. And what they have in common, is a sense of community. At Colgate, we believe that education saves the world. It is the enlightened mind that can form morals, and find ways to live abundantly within values. It is the university which can bring diverse thoughts together, catalyze them and form incredible variety in harmony.

We have a new president's inauguration today: pomp and circumstance and regalia. Underneath it, are a million wings of souls yearning for lives well lived. Those who've been here, those who've yet to come, and all our families and friends who are touched by Colgate. Our alumni are over 35,000 strong from many countries, traditions, beliefs, and there's great variety in our socio-economic status. Our student body has more international students than ever. We've had symposia, dinners and lunches to contemplate the direction of our school and how we can give back to this amazing place. We talked about belonging and examined what damage happens when people feel disenfranchised in community.

It seems, as has always in my connection with Colgate, that we asked hard questions, that at times left me sad, angry, depressed and then energized, focused and ready to act. The beauty here soothes the wounds and helps me move towards the healing. Life has challenges and it is good to be surrounded by people who desire to use our formidable intellect for good. In action.

The Alumni Council is one of my favorite things. Whether chatting with students, faculty, administration, or workers in town, this place is unique and very special to me. And with all the thorns of roses, I breathe in joy.

Whirly-gig of Time

2010-09-20T15:01:00.000-07:00

Monday is my favorite day.

I declare it so: and so it is.

And it's funny how once you make up your mind about something: the idea sticks. I guess that's what feeds some of our negative projections on people places and things. So I'm turning that ability of our minds to good use. I enjoyed today.

So what also helped was a good weekend. I really enjoyed my time AWAY so I could show up with energy and joy today. And I chose to let nothing bring me down: even my errors or people pointing them out: I just CHOSE to have a good day.

And so it was. I confess, it was hard work. There were LOTS of opportunities to beat myself up and think that a gaffe would go down in the history books branding me forever incompetent, or worse, fundamentally "slow." However, I brushed those crazy thoughts off and sent them packing...today.

The wonder of the world in the whirly-gig of time is that tomorrow is another day!

Laugh well...(and have you noticed how many packages and things are branded now with Live Well, Work Well...)

Even as the world goes round

2010-09-16T04:39:00.000-07:00

I find the quietest place inside and breathe into it. That can serve as a center for the whirli-gig of work and life.

There is a hurricane named Karl in the middle of the ocean. Even from that I need to find the center: the calm in the storm and find peace.

It's never as crazy as it seems. How can I within the beginning and end of the waves of what SEEMS chaotic, breathe?

Work well.

I came home HAPPY tonight

2010-09-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

Life will never be perfect.

I left the office today with a pile of "to-do" on my desk that makes my head spin.

And yet, I carved out time today to do the following:

1. have a powerful yet shortened work out this morning that cleared my head and got my blood pumping. When I hit the office this morning, I hit it hard and strong, muscling through an anxiety of mammoth proportion about how I was going to get ANYTHING on my plate done.

2. pause and do networking at an industry conference. That raised my sights, beyond my little desk and day to day concerns and showed me the bigger picture. Seeing folks at a career fair quickly snapped me back to reality: I'm lucky to have a job I love in the industry I am most fond of, and in the function I care deeply about, working with people on my team I love and with colleagues to serve whom I respect. Bollywog that it's overwhelming: I'll find healthy, collaborative ways to slog through this period.

3. I managed my networking time so I could attend to crucial concerns back at the office. I showed my ability to responsibly manage my own career while attending to the core concerns of my role in the organization. AND, I managed my anxiety about being perfect and getting it all done today.

4. I thoughtfully managed others' expectations.

5. I left on time to have personal time with friends to reflect, and improve my consciousness about how I am managing my work, behaving around my human limits, my human vulnerabilities and how impossible expectations of myself, and projected from others onto myself affect me and what I can do to take care of myself while staying in healthy relationship with others. Feedback from caring thoughtful others is CRUCIAL in managing what seems to be impossible. My own faulty thinking can lead me to dangerous plans of action.

6. I then reflected on that on the way home.

Now the chocolate thing...less smart, though some sleep experts do suggest milk and cookies before bed. Well maybe one cookie and a small glass of milk (I'm a rice milk kinda guy myself.)

Sleep well.

Whirlwind

2010-09-13T04:06:00.000-07:00

Ever feel as if you're in a whirlwind of a day?

Fall leaves getting bright and wind starts to get chilly. Work spins faster on the email, phone and people wheel and it's hard to get on what seems to be a faster and faster treadmill.

It's all good if you breathe, get rest and eat well. Bonus: get some exercise. My blood is pumping!

That's the challenge today to stay pumped and balanced.

Go for it!

Work well.

back to life

2010-09-08T07:28:00.001-07:00

I am refreshed and renewed.

I even cooked yesterday and a couple days ago got 10 hours of sleep. Rowe-tastic retreat.

Now, pace myself sustainably until the next break.

Work and live well.

Retreat

2010-09-03T04:42:00.001-07:00

Heading out for rest and rejuvenation.

Happy Weekend Long.

Rest Well...Meditate Thoughtfully and Let Go Thought

wheeeee

2010-09-02T05:34:00.000-07:00

new definition of happiness = wheeeeeeee

i'm definitely excited about the weekend. it's a time for pause, relax, rest, yoga, meditation and concentration on my deepest purpose on earth. what is truly important to me? who do i want to be?

and from that quiet to return to work and be effective and present. there's a workshop this weekend on bringing our best self to work. i want and need that workshop to reconnect the daily actions--we spend most of our life at work--to the core of who i am and want to be...

now back to work...for one more day.

wait for it, wait for it...breathe.

work well

2 Days to Rowe

2010-09-01T05:17:00.000-07:00

Ah life. Sweet life. It goes fast up and down the path.

And I'm singing inside and doing my work happily, because I know there's a break ahead that leads in green open space and rest.

I think I'll literally take the break, from work, from reading, from computer screens and just let my entire being relax.

Live well.

Just in Time

2010-08-30T05:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, I tipped the bicycle over on the most beautiful day in New York City. Angels watch over me since I just barely bruised my knee. I'm fine. And I stuck $20 in the gas tank holder of the non-moving car that I slammed into since I think I scratched it a bit. Just being my sometimes happy-go-lucky, not quite paying attention head in the sky guy I can be...I was smiling then suddenly there was a car, and the brakes, and bike upside down and me sorta standing over it looking down. Not pretty.

However, it made me think about a lot of things. Yes insurance and bike repair shops and things, yes. And angels who protect and be more careful, watch the road and non-moving cars, yes. And boundaries and the RULES of the road, of course.

Bigger though: on the most beautiful day of the year, why would I crash my bike when NOTHING else was moving? I was the only one in motion and there was NOTHING in my way. It reminds me of the powerful force of self sabotage. I sometimes am the very object that I trip over.

And that made me pause. What do I fundamentally resist about the most beautiful day of the year? About success? Pure joy and happiness.

And with THAT thought I travel more thoughtfully today. The subconscious fear of success is something to watch thoughtfully and to pause at the red light in meditation and say, "I deserve success." Success and ease, grace, flow are things I embrace today.

It's easier to struggle against the bad on the outside. What bad guy do I wrestle with inside?

Work and Live Well (and believe in angels).

Cooperation

2010-08-27T04:32:00.000-07:00

Leadership and teamwork are important. So is self-mastery.

However, I think I'm more interested in cooperation these days: how do people and teams who are DIFFERENT work well together: cooperatively.

My Dad worked with farmers' cooperatives: groups of farmers who shared best practices with each other. You'd think their primary relationship with each other would be competition. Yet all the industry associations tell us differently: we are so much stronger together than apart (even if we are competing.)

My young friends in corporate America seem (as I did when I was 20-21) to believe that there are limited spots for the best and selected. I really cheer them on towards working with each other on their job searches. As Pooh says, "it's so much better with two."

Join with someone else who's also seeking what you seek. Pick your fave five and do the vulnerable work of sharing your dreams and passion, and what you want to do with your life. Your peer support is crucial. You can be the inspiration and support to someone who's down about their search and then later they'll pull you up. Share each others' contacts--use LinkedIn or something like that to see who you know who may help them in their search. Set up a weekly or even monthly check-in to motivate you to take actions on your behalf. And most of all, remember, relationships are the key to career success.

Search effectively, Work well and Live abundantly.

10 Days to Rowe

2010-08-24T05:17:00.000-07:00

I've got Rowe on the brain. Figuring out what the weather will be like up there, what to wear, what to pack.

Who am I driving up with? Who's in the car driving back when we debrief how it all went?

This year I want to be kind to all, even the people who rub me the wrong way. The people I consciously avoid because I've been hurt (that is I felt hurt, or have allowed them to be hurtful in the past.) That's my stuff and until I learn how to stand up for myself in front of them, I avoid them.

It includes the people I dearly cherish--how will I be with them? Will I truly listen? Will I just project what I want them to be and how I want them to act or will I let them be their full selves? If I do, will I be hurt, or surprised, or love them ever more deeply?

Will I sleep well?

All this talk of bed bugs in the city is maddening. I'm trying denial as a tool...when they come, I'll deal. 'Til then I'll live my life wild and strong.

Here's to the exploration of brotherhood, peace, retreat and love of man and God at Rowe, September 2010. Until then, it's August in NYC (and a little surprisingly fall-like and chilly.)

Be in TODAY.

Live and Work well.

officially...i love my job

2010-08-20T04:55:00.000-07:00

and i love my boss.

and my team.

and the people i do it for...and what they do.

officially.

that's all.

happy work.

Work Life

2010-08-19T04:34:00.000-07:00

15 days to retreat at Rowe. It blows my mind how fast time flies. This retreat's focus for me is to identify how to have a more principled work life. I want to honor my personal need for regeneration and recharge, and the demands of work which I love.

That's the rub: I WANT to perform well. AND I have to take care of myself in order to do that. Take care of self outside the office.

It's such a balancing act. I have no idea how people parent AND work and have a life. It's incredible how much time things take to do. And how focused and centered I need to be to balance life.

The retreat is a place of perspective development, total recharge, and to give some feelings space to breathe. I notice I hold my breath and muscles sometimes at work at that halts effectiveness.

Today, I breathe more fully in action.

Work well.

Put your Hands Up

2010-08-14T05:27:00.001-07:00

Give up if you try hard and fail.

Unplug everything and reboot.

It might be 8 hours of sleep, or a ride in the park. I'm taking the weekend off. I tried so hard and missed several deadlines or never got to key things I "needed" to do.

I have a couple choices: pure anxiety and the wringing of hands, and there's another, let it go, and relax for the weekend and go back in on Monday with focus and energy, with some collective brainstorm energy towards future and past project catch up.

I never have to solve it in my own head, and anxiety never solved anything...effectively.

Live well.

Believe

2010-08-13T02:25:00.001-07:00

When it all seems too much and completely impossible.

let go.

believe.

22 Days to Rowe

2010-08-12T05:03:00.000-07:00

Rowe Labor Day weekend is 22 days away. I have 22 days to think about what I want to focus on during my time on retreat.

I know this year has had physical challenges. What am I blocking in my life that keeps me small and constricted, prevents me from blossoming and growing fully expansive? What blocks me from living a full life? That I have created? How do I breathe through my anxiety?

My life is exceedingly good. I just have such a hard time embracing it and breathing into it. It kills me to hold too tightly.

More to come on that meditation.

Until then, work well.

the world is round

2010-08-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

and there's gravity.

there are basic truths, and we honor them best when we work with them.

life is tough sometimes and the best way to navigate it, is with the support of friends.

so first, cultivate your friendships and support relationships.

then, reach out when the going gets tough.

simple truths.

live well.

what a day what a day

2010-08-09T04:54:00.000-07:00

start your engines.

25 days to glorious Rowe http://www.rowelaborday.com/

the fellowship and reflection on the year. the dancing. the good food. rest. the laughter and tears. men asking the hard questions and grieving the losses, cheering each other on and empowering each other to tackle life well. we'll talk about our challenges and form plans to meet those challenges in the coming year.

i'm excited.

today, i jump in. sessions for employees, and a big project to work on. went to the gym and wrestled with iron and pushed my body for endurance. and now we begin.

work well.

And Now We get down to work

2010-08-08T04:53:00.000-07:00

There is always a honeymoon.

Grown-ups get on with the deeper and more fulfilling part of relationships. Kids stay searching for more moons.

The Kids are All Right. Great movie to show that the adults are damaged and hurtful sometimes though the healthier ones are in a continuous state of correction. A plane they say is 99% of the time off-course and pilots spend their time gently bringing us back on course.

And so it is.

My life is amazing and good. I just have to see it. And when I get angry, sad, belligerent, upset, despondent, I just review what my life actually is and on my past reflect to bring myself back to noticing I'm all right.

These next weeks are full of work tasks, and I will balance that with my personal life goals with friends, family and myself at home.

every dog has a day

2010-08-02T17:13:00.000-07:00

yippee and this one was mine.

taken to lunch feted with flowers. the trick is to stay humble, yet joyful. and i think i managed well. i am loved. nice chat and a card from Mom on Saturday.

enjoying riding my new bike to work and a good workout and warm chocolate cake.

mmm.

live well.

Bliss

2010-08-01T14:51:00.001-07:00

I wish my parents had warned me that with forgiveness of others (especially them) comes the bliss of a happy, useful and contented life. I could have started that process earlier.

Instead I raged at the machine way past the usefulness of that exercise.

It's beyond my control what people do or think or say around my race, sexuality, sero-status or economic condition. It does matter that I let others be who they are in the world, and that I tend to my own spiritual condition.

Bless me for I have made a mess of things and am willing now to listen.

Live well.

go with the flow of life

2010-07-31T11:52:00.001-07:00

i get so frustrated when things go differently than i'd planned. really get all ruffled.

got a little nick from my new bike...distracted by eye candy and sweet talk...with my NEW BIKE. ugh...i wanted to punch him and then i wanted to kick myself...easy to anger.

and i breathed and bought some hydrogen peroxide...it's just dangerous for me to bleed for many reasons...major one being sero-status, however other one being that i'm on blood thinners. so i had a little moment.

BREATHE.

when things go differently than i plan, find a way to discern the new motion of the river of life i'm in. and then eye candy is unavailable, and yet he's in pain so a sit and talk at a diner and that's ok. and time with an abundant being in the universe like me...i'm in pain too...i hurt, he hurts we can be there for each other and be human.

and the movies i'd planned: inception, the kids are all right, SALT, can wait. it's a beautiful day on my gorgeous bike, spending time with lovely people new and old. in the most absolutely beautiful city in the world: trust me, you'd agree if your rode down the bike path on the west side highway.

LIVE WELL!

200 Posts

2010-07-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

This blog has been an amazing journey for me. It's so hard to believe that this stuff works. It does.

My life is different. Over the last couple weeks it's been sinking in. I believe something different about work, life and play than I did before. I believe something different about the way I can navigate it all. I'm sitting with that in meditation (which is why I've been missing some days lately.)

It's all sort of overwhelmingly good.

And then two of my coaching clients checked in to tell me that YES, they both got jobs and they credit the thinking and the process we put together for their success. It flies in the face of all that many of us believe about work.

It'll be exciting to coach them in their first 100 days in office, even as I pass the 60 day mark in my own transformation of the place called "work." For me, it's been a rich source of play.

May you work well and live well.

Relax Revitalize

2010-07-25T13:06:00.001-07:00

Perfect weekend.

Relaxed, took some sun, pool, ocean, bay, sand, food...sleep.

Danced.

If you try to stop a Hurricane...

2010-07-23T04:14:00.001-07:00

Watch out for fighting reality. Life's got a plan and if I get in the way of it, I get swept off my feet...in a very non-romantic way. It's painfully bumpy at times.

So sense the winds and learn like surfers to ride the wave gracefully: think of all the wonderful views of life upside down and breathe.

Live well.

Work with It

2010-07-22T05:30:00.000-07:00

Whatever it is, work with it. If it's my inner turmoil, if I'm challenged by behavior I've been trying to manage forever, if it's a relationship with someone else that's baffling, just work WITH it. Instead of prescribing new behavior, pathologizing it or my relationship TO it, go WITH. The most dangerous thing we do as human beings is to get in the mix and try to redirect energies that are pre-ordained.

Making a rose unfurl faster, is madness.

Today I work with life.

Live and work well.

When you feel you screwed up beyond repair

2010-07-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you feel you made the mistake that's ruined your career: like the time you squirted ketchup on your boss' shirt at a client lunch. It's amazing the stuff one can obsess about.

I spent most of Sunday obsessing over one of those mistakes. Meanwhile, I think everyone else on the ranch has moved on.

I need to forgive myself. And get on with it, already!

The truth is too: this has revealed a perfectionism about others. Maybe I'm just as hard on others' humanity, as I dwell on my own imperfection.

It's food for thought. Meantime, gentle, gentle, gentle and never bring it up again with co-workers. Everyone else has moved on. And it's a drag to keep rehashing the story in my mind, or bringing it up in theirs. Learn the lesson, APPLY it going forward. Most of all, LET IT GO!

Work well.

Help Is On the Way

2010-07-18T05:46:00.000-07:00

There is a comforting illusion in corporations that the "daddy" of the company is taking care of everything and all I have to do is show up and do the work.

FALSE.

FAIL.

I have a lot of responsibility. First, I need to set the intention for my engagement with a company. What is it that I hope to contribute to the world, and through my engagement with the company, how do I contribute? What is the passion for my life?

Answer.

Then there is constant vigilance: what is demanded of me that goes against my values, core needs, etc.? I must identify these early and have thoughtful, respectful conversations to make sure those needs are attended to or else I jeopardize the archway of the relationship between me and work.

The weekends are time to realign and assess where I am. Mondays are for thoughtful re-entry.

Work well. Live well.

Every Body is Beautiful

2010-07-17T21:35:00.000-07:00

It's how you carry yourself that makes you ugly or beautiful.

It's my attitude that makes my life fantastic or dramatically painful.

In my meditation on the beach today, through my yoga and the dancing, I decided to face reality with a dose of laughter and play, as well as mourning and sadness for the times I failed to stand up for myself. I am beautiful, I am worthy of attention at the bar of life. Give me some love.

Ask for what you want and deserve. Say yes to yourself, AND see if the world has some boundaries. Focus on the yes, then obey the rules of the road: respect and dignity for others, respect for the planet and its resources.

The ocean is mighty fine.

Live well.

Let the Music Play

2010-07-17T03:21:00.000-07:00

That's the music of life. Life plays some pretty amazing orchestral pieces.

Listen today. Enjoy and learn. It's a life lesson, professor: the Universe.

We're in session. Live well.

I woke up HAPPY today

2010-07-16T05:24:00.001-07:00

maybe it's because of a lovely night at Boqueria with friends, or the temperature is getting more moderate, or more sleep. i woke up happy today.

and i feel so grateful to have a job, good co-workers who i appreciate and respect and have so much to teach me, colleagues who i serve who treat me with respect and kindness, friends who share good food with me and laughter, family who love me as best they can and a belief in the good around me that surrounds the universe and guides the planet.

it's a good day and i am celebrating.

thank goodness i hung in there through those dark and stormy days recent past.

live well

The Pain Today

2010-07-15T05:32:00.000-07:00

There is more that I want to do today than is humanly possible in the hours available.

Has that ever happened to you?

What's the trick then? I will try to PRIORITIZE the most important things. I will do the next RIGHT thing. And I will let go when someone comes blazing into my consciousness and demands their thing be done now. I will refrain from making impossible promises. I will rather have the difficult conversation about boundaries EVEN IF it seems that having that conversation takes longer than just doing the thing quickly in the first place. That's because I know that when I jack up something trying to get it done, check the box, it makes things worse down the line.

I will breathe today and focus on a life, a sustainable and long successful and effective life of grace and ease.

And so it is.

Work well.

Go With the Flow

2010-07-14T16:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life is mercilessly fast. The demands come quick and easy and I'm sitting there perplexed as to what to attend to first.

I've learned to breathe and relax into the wave.

Blah Blah Blah

2010-07-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

I love the funny line in the movie, forget which one, where someone makes funs of blogs and says something approximating, "I read your blah, and you read my blah."

We all do "blah" on a lot about nothing.

I'm feeling blah, which is different from sad or depressed, it's that apathy thing. It's completely internal. Life is really good, in fact I read somewhere that there is a specie of human that get restless when things are good. I hope I'm outside that circle.

Life is good, and I'm blah.

If they call you nasty names

2010-07-12T05:40:00.000-07:00

A guy today in the gym has that thing where he says inappropriate things outside his control. At least, that what it seems to me. And I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

I'll continue to do that today: give the other human beings the benefit of doubt. How do I know for sure what's going through someone's head or what's going on in their lives, why they frowned at me: maybe their tummy hurts. Why they growled at me: maybe they're growling at themselves and the world. Why that hateful word came out of their mouths?

Hate hurts the sender more. The receiver can practice deflection.

I can also focus my energy on what is good. Air conditioning today. My bills paid today. Friends. Family.

I am incredibly blessed. This is my stronghold.

Oh NO!

2010-07-11T15:50:00.000-07:00

When life hits you in the solar plexus hard, feel the pain, grieve the loss, scream if you need to, even cry. Hide in a corner and suck your finger, pout and tell everyone you'll play with them nevermore.

Then when you get some legs again, crawl out from the rubble of your brain and face the world again.

Sucks that the Dutch lost. All that ORANJE. Sucks to lose my phone. And maybe it's all just brain chemistry; but sucks to feel so bereft. Comfort food for an afternoon and quiet time at home.

Tomorrow is Monday.

one heart

2010-07-09T06:37:00.000-07:00

What if we aimed to all work from one heart-space?

If all our blood came from one source...

If all our dreams came from one sleep...

Might we treat each other with greater care?

Dance with Angels

2010-07-08T05:40:00.001-07:00

I dance a lot in my posts.

I enjoy the flights of fancy. There is a lot of good in the world and I'm fascinated by it. I particularly love today, the sense of grace that fills everything.

Only YOU can do the do

2010-07-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

Yes, we want to rely on others for support and guidance. Often times we make foolish decisions on our own, powered by our own batteries.

It is in the collaboration with others that we discover the next right action.

And then, it's only me, it's only you. We individually have to decide to take the action.

I had to deliver the packages once I learned where they needed to go. I had to call the presenters once we agreed on who would present. Yes, I make a step forward when I go beyond my unilateral decision-making and action plans which ran rip-shod over others. Now, once the collaborative decision has been made, I need to take the action.

Work well.

dancing in the heat

2010-07-06T18:31:00.000-07:00

it's hard to believe i ran for the bus tonight on my way home in 100 degree heat.

that's all i have the energy to type.

bed time.

Amazing Life

2010-07-05T06:28:00.000-07:00

Took a little time to reflect on my life this morning and the goals I've set. And I have to say I'm on target: I have a lot of the stuff I want of life and am tracking in most areas (except financially and maybe career) towards my goals for myself.

I have a question for myself though, "are my life goals mine?" Or are they old parental expectations, or confusing societal expectations of what my life is supposed to be? Am I forcing my life to fit some external mold? Mold: what an interesting word: something you clean away or a structure in which you put something pliable that can take any shape at all. Seems apt here: is my life-shaping process one that suits my unique talents, gifts, desires, and how I can be truly useful in the world?

I'm going to the movies. Animation. Funny, lots of amazing actors are doing these films now. And, ironically their "cheesy" often wholly ridiculously optimistic "upbeat" take on life and far-fetched escapes from dire danger to easy perfect "story-book" endings betray something really important. Do we dare dream as adults? Or have we become jaded by our "adult" experience to expect less from life and narrow our life experience?

So today's a day of expansive thinking and to let myself be inspired by the day's recreation. What might my life be, beyond the narrow boundaries I often set? What goals have I set that are no longer meaningful to me? Have I over-set goals? Can I lower my bar and enjoy my life more? Do I really need $100K per year? An eventual director title?

Do I?

Live well in the question.

Amazing Day

2010-07-04T04:42:00.000-07:00

yesterday was so fun and amazing. ran into people at each turn as if some greater synchronicity had orchestrated the day. from ferry to sand to pool to dancing to the lovely train rides to and fro: what a beautiful day.

here's another.

live well.

Endless Possibilities

2010-07-03T02:53:00.000-07:00

Create my life. I woke up this morning with a sense of endless possibilities. It's as if I can with some thoughtfulness give myself with the help of others and that force that rules the universe, a life worth living today. It's as if I start today with a blank slate. I notice the dawn is as an unveiling of a new day, a new opportunity.

These 24 hour blocks that encourage us to wake into them from a rest period, invite me to start anew, again. And here I am, considering all that is important to me and how to incorporate those core values into my day.

Compassion for myself, which leads to compassion for others.

That's one. And enough for my focus today. Self-care and thoughtfulness, ease in walking to the train, rather than rushing. If I give myself that, I run over less others on my way. Ease in movement: grace.

Live well.

The Beach, the Sand, the Sea

2010-07-02T19:48:00.000-07:00

I can already feel the sand beneath my naked feet.

I'm thinking about turning these 6 months of consistent musings into a book. What do you think? The diary of a corporate seeker. Life in marble. A low level search in companies for good orderly direction from a spiritual place.

Something like that.

Musings of a mad corporate cubicle-being. I have no delusions of madness really, I just think a little off to the corner by myself and am making it public.

Bleh.

Tired. Snacking and doing laundry. A spot of chocolate in a bit and then bed. I'm looking forward to the beach and the sand, the sound of waves crashing, watching the sea and napping under a bright cloud-splotched sky.

Hunger, Music, Mayhem

2010-07-01T16:32:00.000-07:00

I'm hungry. I want serenity and joy. And I can hear the music in the rustling of the tree leaves, feel the ease in the wind and I imagine the serenity at the beach this weekend, the feel of sand.

And yet, I create madness over and over again. I realize that I am the instrument of darkness that I fear the most.

Honestly.

It is I who fear that the worst is about to happen. It is I who put the "but" in the sentence stating all that's good. And it really is all good and taken care of beyond my petty ideas about what "taken care of" means. I really do have a "God" complex, and the trouble is, as I've heard it told, God has a bigger ego than I do. Go along with Her program or get dragged.

Reminds me of when I crossed the street on my own as a 2 1/2 year old. I'm just born defiant and charmingly so. So, I'm learning to play in the orchestra of life and stop screeching for attention. While at the same time allowing myself to be me: which is just so darn messy sometimes. And petulant, and bullyish, and all those yummy things that make me me.

As someone told me today, sometimes when I shake my duster, I forget to notice if there's someone on the storey below.

Silence in Golden

2010-06-30T16:16:00.000-07:00

It pays to listen. What a man says, especially on first meeting, can tell you a lot.

I have learned to even listen to myself as I speak, as I tell my story. It's less about shaping my image, and more about hearing how I frame my life. There is a lot that is true about me. What do I want others to remember: how do I want them to enter my reality?

Do I want others to view me as broken, without rudder, or do I want to be seen as having valuable assets, and be seen as one who's also clear about my liabilities and what help I need?

This is what I'm thinking as I end the day.

Just Keep Dancing

2010-06-29T18:48:00.001-07:00

Life has a funny way of saying, "I love you." Just keep dancing with life and you'll see. There's so much love in the world, piles and piles.

Jump onto the amazing feather top love.

Life Multiplied

2010-06-28T16:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things just happen. Go with the flow.

Challenging commute home. Train went somewhere new. Explored the new land, learned some cool things, the bee-lined home and got here at the same time.

Live Well.

Why Pride?

2010-06-27T22:39:00.000-07:00

I overheard a (presumably) straight guy on the BART complaining to his (presumably) girlfriend that the gays should just "be" instead of taking a day to crunk up traffic and make life miserable for others for one day. At least that was my take of his goings on. After that he did some pull-ups on the rails, seemingly to show his woman how masculine he is.

I thought about LGBT Pride Day, having just been deeply moved (as I am every year) by LGBT folks taking over major thoroughfares of commerce. Down Market Street, what significance is it that a man rode his bicycle nude, or children of gay folks skipped rope blocking traffic so folks had a hard time getting to Fisherman's Wharf?

The question is itself.

And one thought that springs up is: of course it would be great for all LGBT folks, or all Black folk, or Puerto Rican folk, or women, or the handicapped, to just "be." We could and should do the introspection and build thoughts, words and actions in our individual lives to live authentically and fully. We have the potential to bring our full lives to all areas of our human interaction.

Yet, it is in the gathering of like-minded folk: or even different-minded, yet classified as "us," that we shape the identity that then can just "be." It is seeing others having children SUCCESSFULLY and expressing themselves outrageously without getting shot, beaten or killed, that allows the more timid amongst us to live more fully.

So I say, bring on the inconvenience of the days when we shut down and pause and think about what it's like being different.

Live Well. And it's good to be home from the foggy city with the Golden Gate Bridge.