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Even if others find it difficult

I called Tom last night…he'd not called for a while (we used to talk every night, but he'd been a bit distant since I got back from San Fran). He says we're not a match…and can we be friends? He did it very thoughtfully and kind as he always is, and I said yes…I was kinda numb, but I didn't act out and this morning it hit me like a wall of emotion and I cried like a baby almost all the way to the subway. On one hand it hurt like hell, on the other, I'm delighted to know that I have full access to my emotions: confusion, sadness, anger, hurt, but mostly deep mourning. It's all good. It means I'm not as callous as I sometimes think I am…I think as long as I have the support network I have, my heart will remain open to love, joy, and the other natural human emotions of sadness, grief, despair, desire, longing and all that. I'm definitely not going to grow old and bitter. I think though I'll need some time not talking to Tom for a bit, and from dating...

I'm so grateful to be fully alive. I took a risk. A very handicapped risk (we both knew it would be hard to do this 3,000 miles apart), but ultimately, it was just a dating experience and he decided that we weren't the right fit.

I already made a plan to help me walk through the hurting time: Saturday will be good to be with friends. The closing's scheduled for Friday, so maybe it'll be a celebration too...both: grieving the loss of this particular relationship: dating Tom and the beginning of something grand: owning shares in a coop.

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