Becoming a Gay Adult

i get so frustrated when things go differently than i'd planned.  really get all ruffled. got a little nick from my new bike...distracted by eye candy and sweet talk...with my NEW BIKE.  ugh...i wanted to punch him and then i wanted to kick myself...easy to anger. and i breathed and bought some hydrogen peroxide...it's just dangerous for me to bleed for many reasons...major one being sero-status, however other one being that i'm on blood thinners.  so i had a little moment. BREATHE. when things go differently than i plan, find a way to discern the new motion of the river of life i'm in.  and then eye candy is unavailable, and yet he's in pain so a sit and talk at a diner and that's ok.  and time with an abundant being in the universe like me...i'm in pain too...i hurt, he hurts we can be there for each other and be human. and the movies i'd planned: inception, the kids are all right, SALT, can wait.  it's a beautiful day on my gorgeous bike...

This blog has been an amazing journey for me.  It's so hard to believe that this stuff works.  It does. My life is different.  Over the last couple weeks it's been sinking in.  I believe something different about work, life and play than I did before.  I believe something different about the way I can navigate it all.  I'm sitting with that in meditation (which is why I've been missing some days lately.) It's all sort of overwhelmingly good. And then two of my coaching clients checked in to tell me that YES, they both got jobs and they credit the thinking and the process we put together for their success.  It flies in the face of all that many of us believe about work. It'll be exciting to coach them in their first 100 days in office, even as I pass the 60 day mark in my own transformation of the place called "work."  For me, it's been a rich source of play. May you work well and live well.

Perfect weekend. Relaxed, took some sun, pool, ocean, bay, sand, food...sleep. Danced.

Watch out for fighting reality.  Life's got a plan and if I get in the way of it, I get swept off my feet...in a very non-romantic way.  It's painfully bumpy at times. So sense the winds and learn like surfers to ride the wave gracefully:  think of all the wonderful views of life upside down and breathe. Live well.

Whatever it is, work with it.  If it's my inner turmoil, if I'm challenged by behavior I've been trying to manage forever, if it's a relationship with someone else that's baffling, just work WITH it.  Instead of prescribing new behavior, pathologizing it or my relationship TO it, go WITH.  The most dangerous thing we do as human beings is to get in the mix and try to redirect energies that are pre-ordained. Making a rose unfurl faster, is madness. Today I work with life. Live and work well.

Sometimes you feel you made the mistake that's ruined your career: like the time you squirted ketchup on your boss' shirt at a client lunch.  It's amazing the stuff one can obsess about. I spent most of Sunday obsessing over one of those mistakes.  Meanwhile, I think everyone else on the ranch has moved on. I need to forgive myself.  And get on with it, already! The truth is too: this has revealed a perfectionism about others.  Maybe I'm just as hard on others' humanity, as I dwell on my own imperfection. It's food for thought.  Meantime, gentle, gentle, gentle and never bring it up again with co-workers.  Everyone else has moved on.  And it's a drag to keep rehashing the story in my mind, or bringing it up in theirs.  Learn the lesson, APPLY it going forward.  Most of all, LET IT GO! Work well.

There is a comforting illusion in corporations that the "daddy" of the company is taking care of everything and all I have to do is show up and do the work. FALSE. FAIL. I have a lot of responsibility.  First, I need to set the intention for my engagement with a company.  What is it that I hope to contribute to the world, and through my engagement with the company, how do I contribute?  What is the passion for my life?  Answer. Then there is constant vigilance: what is demanded of me that goes against my values, core needs, etc.?  I must identify these early and have thoughtful, respectful conversations to make sure those needs are attended to or else I jeopardize the archway of the relationship between me and work. The weekends are time to realign and assess where I am.  Mondays are for thoughtful re-entry. Work well. Live well.

It's how you carry yourself that makes you ugly or beautiful. It's my attitude that makes my life fantastic or dramatically painful. In my meditation on the beach today, through my yoga and the dancing, I decided to face reality with a dose of laughter and play, as well as mourning and sadness for the times I failed to stand up for myself.  I am beautiful, I am worthy of attention at the bar of life.  Give me some love. Ask for what you want and deserve.  Say yes to yourself, AND see if the world has some boundaries.  Focus on the yes, then obey the rules of the road: respect and dignity for others, respect for the planet and its resources. The ocean is mighty fine. Live well.

That's the music of life.  Life plays some pretty amazing orchestral pieces. Listen today.  Enjoy and learn.  It's a life lesson, professor: the Universe. We're in session.  Live well.

maybe it's because of a lovely night at Boqueria with friends, or the temperature is getting more moderate, or more sleep.  i woke up happy today. and i feel so grateful to have a job, good co-workers who i appreciate and respect and have so much to teach me, colleagues who i serve who treat me with respect and kindness, friends who share good food with me and laughter, family who love me as best they can and a belief in the good around me that surrounds the universe and guides the planet. it's a good day and i am celebrating. thank goodness i hung in there through those dark and stormy days recent past. live well

There is more that I want to do today than is humanly possible in the hours available. Has that ever happened to you? What's the trick then?  I will try to PRIORITIZE the most important things.  I will do the next RIGHT thing.  And I will let go when someone comes blazing into my consciousness and demands their thing be done now.  I will refrain from making impossible promises.  I will rather have the difficult conversation about boundaries EVEN IF it seems that having that conversation takes longer than just doing the thing quickly in the first place.  That's because I know that when I jack up something trying to get it done, check the box, it makes things worse down the line. I will breathe today and focus on a life, a sustainable and long successful and effective life of grace and ease. And so it is. Work well.

Sometimes life is mercilessly fast.  The demands come quick and easy and I'm sitting there perplexed as to what to attend to first. I've learned to breathe and relax into the wave.

I love the funny line in the movie, forget which one, where someone makes funs of blogs and says something approximating, "I read your blah, and you read my blah." We all do "blah" on a lot about nothing. I'm feeling blah, which is different from sad or depressed, it's that apathy thing.  It's completely internal.  Life is really good, in fact I read somewhere that there is a specie of human that get restless when things are good.  I hope I'm outside that circle. Life is good, and I'm blah.

A guy today in the gym has that thing where he says inappropriate things outside his control.  At least, that what it seems to me.  And I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I'll continue to do that today: give the other human beings the benefit of doubt. How do I know for sure what's going through someone's head or what's going on in their lives, why they frowned at me: maybe their tummy hurts. Why they growled at me: maybe they're growling at themselves and the world.  Why that hateful word came out of their mouths? Hate hurts the sender more.  The receiver can practice deflection. I can also focus my energy on what is good.  Air conditioning today.  My bills paid today.  Friends.  Family. I am incredibly blessed. This is my stronghold.

When life hits you in the solar plexus hard, feel the pain, grieve the loss, scream if you need to, even cry.  Hide in a corner and suck your finger, pout and tell everyone you'll play with them nevermore. Then when you get some legs again, crawl out from the rubble of your brain and face the world again. Sucks that the Dutch lost.  All that ORANJE.  Sucks to lose my phone.  And maybe it's all just brain chemistry; but sucks to feel so bereft.  Comfort food for an afternoon and quiet time at home. Tomorrow is Monday.

What if we aimed to all work from one heart-space? If all our blood came from one source... If all our dreams came from one sleep... Might we treat each other with greater care?

I dance a lot in my posts. I enjoy the flights of fancy.  There is a lot of good in the world and I'm fascinated by it.  I particularly love today, the sense of grace that fills everything.

Yes, we want to rely on others for support and guidance.  Often times we make foolish decisions on our own, powered by our own batteries. It is in the collaboration with others that we discover the next right action. And then, it's only me, it's only you.  We individually have to decide to take the action. I had to deliver the packages once I learned where they needed to go.  I had to call the presenters once we agreed on who would present.  Yes, I make a step forward when I go beyond my unilateral decision-making and action plans which ran rip-shod over others.  Now, once the collaborative decision has been made, I need to take the action. Work well.

it's hard to believe i ran for the bus tonight on my way home in 100 degree heat. that's all i have the energy to type. bed time.

Took a little time to reflect on my life this morning and the goals I've set.  And I have to say I'm on target:  I have a lot of the stuff I want of life and am tracking in most areas (except financially and maybe career) towards my goals for myself. I have a question for myself though, "are my life goals mine?"  Or are they old parental expectations, or confusing societal expectations of what my life is supposed to be?  Am I forcing my life to fit some external mold?  Mold: what an interesting word: something you clean away or a structure in which you put something pliable that can take any shape at all.  Seems apt here: is my life-shaping process one that suits my unique talents, gifts, desires, and how I can be truly useful in the world? I'm going to the movies. Animation. Funny, lots of amazing actors are doing these films now. And, ironically their "cheesy" often wholly ridiculously optimistic "upbeat" take on life and far-fetched esca...

yesterday was so fun and amazing. ran into people at each turn as if some greater synchronicity had orchestrated the day.  from ferry to sand to pool to dancing to the lovely train rides to and fro: what a beautiful day. here's another. live well.

Create my life.  I woke up this morning with a sense of endless possibilities.  It's as if I can with some thoughtfulness give myself with the help of others and that force that rules the universe, a life worth living today.  It's as if I start today with a blank slate.  I notice the dawn is as an unveiling of a new day, a new opportunity. These 24 hour blocks that encourage us to wake into them from a rest period, invite me to start anew, again.  And here I am, considering all that is important to me and how to incorporate those core values into my day. Compassion for myself, which leads to compassion for others. That's one.  And enough for my focus today.  Self-care and thoughtfulness, ease in walking to the train, rather than rushing.  If I give myself that, I run over less others on my way.  Ease in movement: grace. Live well.

I can already feel the sand beneath my naked feet. I'm thinking about turning these 6 months of consistent musings into a book.  What do you think?  The diary of a corporate seeker.  Life in marble.  A low level search in companies for good orderly direction from a spiritual place. Something like that. Musings of a mad corporate cubicle-being.  I have no delusions of madness really, I just think a little off to the corner by myself and am making it public. Bleh. Tired.  Snacking and doing laundry.  A spot of chocolate in a bit and then bed.  I'm looking forward to the beach and the sand, the sound of waves crashing, watching the sea and napping under a bright cloud-splotched sky.

I'm hungry.  I want serenity and joy.  And I can hear the music in the rustling of the tree leaves, feel the ease in the wind and I imagine the serenity at the beach this weekend, the feel of sand. And yet, I create madness over and over again.  I realize that I am the instrument of darkness that I fear the most. Honestly. It is I who fear that the worst is about to happen.  It is I who put the "but" in the sentence stating all that's good.  And it really is all good and taken care of beyond my petty ideas about what "taken care of" means.  I really do have a "God" complex, and the trouble is, as I've heard it told, God has a bigger ego than I do.  Go along with Her program or get dragged. Reminds me of when I crossed the street on my own as a 2 1/2 year old.  I'm just born defiant and charmingly so.  So, I'm learning to play in the orchestra of life and stop screeching for attention.  While at the same time allowing myself ...