Becoming a Gay Adult

Yes, I tipped the bicycle over on the most beautiful day in New York City. Angels watch over me since I just barely bruised my knee. I'm fine. And I stuck $20 in the gas tank holder of the non-moving car that I slammed into since I think I scratched it a bit. Just being my sometimes happy-go-lucky, not quite paying attention head in the sky guy I can be...I was smiling then suddenly there was a car, and the brakes, and bike upside down and me sorta standing over it looking down. Not pretty. However, it made me think about a lot of things. Yes insurance and bike repair shops and things, yes. And angels who protect and be more careful, watch the road and non-moving cars, yes. And boundaries and the RULES of the road, of course. Bigger though: on the most beautiful day of the year, why would I crash my bike when NOTHING else was moving? I was the only one in motion and there was NOTHING in my way. It reminds me of the powerful force of self sabotage. I sometimes am the very object...

Leadership and teamwork are important. So is self-mastery. However, I think I'm more interested in cooperation these days: how do people and teams who are DIFFERENT work well together: cooperatively. My Dad worked with farmers' cooperatives: groups of farmers who shared best practices with each other. You'd think their primary relationship with each other would be competition. Yet all the industry associations tell us differently: we are so much stronger together than apart (even if we are competing.) My young friends in corporate America seem (as I did when I was 20-21) to believe that there are limited spots for the best and selected. I really cheer them on towards working with each other on their job searches. As Pooh says, "it's so much better with two." Join with someone else who's also seeking what you seek. Pick your fave five and do the vulnerable work of sharing your dreams and passion, and what you want to do with your life. Your peer sup...

I've got Rowe on the brain. Figuring out what the weather will be like up there, what to wear, what to pack. Who am I driving up with? Who's in the car driving back when we debrief how it all went? This year I want to be kind to all, even the people who rub me the wrong way. The people I consciously avoid because I've been hurt (that is I felt hurt, or have allowed them to be hurtful in the past.) That's my stuff and until I learn how to stand up for myself in front of them, I avoid them. It includes the people I dearly cherish--how will I be with them? Will I truly listen? Will I just project what I want them to be and how I want them to act or will I let them be their full selves? If I do, will I be hurt, or surprised, or love them ever more deeply? Will I sleep well?  All this talk of bed bugs in the city is maddening. I'm trying denial as a tool...when they come, I'll deal. 'Til then I'll live my life wild and strong. Here's to the ex...

and i love my boss. and my team. and the people i do it for...and what they do. officially. that's all. happy work.

15 days to retreat at Rowe. It blows my mind how fast time flies. This retreat's focus for me is to identify how to have a more principled work life. I want to honor my personal need for regeneration and recharge, and the demands of work which I love. That's the rub: I WANT to perform well. AND I have to take care of myself in order to do that. Take care of self outside the office. It's such a balancing act. I have no idea how people parent AND work and have a life. It's incredible how much time things take to do. And how focused and centered I need to be to balance life. The retreat is a place of perspective development, total recharge, and to give some feelings space to breathe. I notice I hold my breath and muscles sometimes at work at that halts effectiveness. Today, I breathe more fully in action. Work well.

Give up if you try hard and fail. Unplug everything and reboot. It might be 8 hours of sleep, or a ride in the park. I'm taking the weekend off. I tried so hard and missed several deadlines or never got to key things I "needed" to do. I have a couple choices: pure anxiety and the wringing of hands, and there's another, let it go, and relax for the weekend and go back in on Monday with focus and energy, with some collective brainstorm energy towards future and past project catch up. I never have to solve it in my own head, and anxiety never solved anything...effectively. Live well.

When it all seems too much and completely impossible. let go. believe.

Rowe Labor Day weekend is 22 days away. I have 22 days to think about what I want to focus on during my time on retreat. I know this year has had physical challenges. What am I blocking in my life that keeps me small and constricted, prevents me from blossoming and growing fully expansive? What blocks me from living a full life? That I have created? How do I breathe through my anxiety? My life is exceedingly good. I just have such a hard time embracing it and breathing into it. It kills me to hold too tightly. More to come on that meditation. Until then, work well.

and there's gravity. there are basic truths, and we honor them best when we work with them. life is tough sometimes and the best way to navigate it, is with the support of friends. so first, cultivate your friendships and support relationships. then, reach out when the going gets tough. simple truths. live well.

start your engines. 25 days to glorious Rowe http://www.rowelaborday.com/ the fellowship and reflection on the year.  the dancing.  the good food.  rest.  the laughter and tears.  men asking the hard questions and grieving the losses, cheering each other on and empowering each other to tackle life well.  we'll talk about our challenges and form plans to meet those challenges in the coming year. i'm excited. today, i jump in.  sessions for employees, and a big project to work on.  went to the gym and wrestled with iron and pushed my body for endurance.  and now we begin. work well.

There is always a honeymoon. Grown-ups get on with the deeper and more fulfilling part of relationships.  Kids stay searching for more moons. The Kids are All Right.  Great movie to show that the adults are damaged and hurtful sometimes though the healthier ones are in a continuous state of correction.  A plane they say is 99% of the time off-course and pilots spend their time gently bringing us back on course. And so it is. My life is amazing and good.  I just have to see it.  And when I get angry, sad, belligerent, upset, despondent, I just review what my life actually is and on my past reflect to bring myself back to noticing I'm all right. These next weeks are full of work tasks, and I will balance that with my personal life goals with friends, family and myself at home.

yippee and this one was mine. taken to lunch feted with flowers.  the trick is to stay humble, yet joyful.  and i think i managed well.  i am loved.  nice chat and a card from Mom on Saturday. enjoying riding my new bike to work and a good workout and warm chocolate cake. mmm. live well.

I wish my parents had warned me that with forgiveness of others (especially them) comes the bliss of a happy, useful and contented life.  I could have started that process earlier. Instead I raged at the machine way past the usefulness of that exercise. It's beyond my control what people do or think or say around my race, sexuality, sero-status or economic condition.  It does matter that I let others be who they are in the world, and that I tend to my own spiritual condition. Bless me for I have made a mess of things and am willing now to listen. Live well.