Perfection

At almost 50, I wanted to have achieved it all without any real clarity about what that would even mean. This last attempt to lead HR for an organization was valiant. I want to believe I did some good and changed the atmosphere for the work of the humans. I believe I was a resource. That managers shifted in their thinking about leading others, and front line folks, including those who reported to me, gained self esteem, autonomy and learned about their strengths through my capable management, leadership and mirroring. And I want to believe I took much better care of myself at work, than I ever have before at any other position on my resume. And, I firmly believe, evaluations of others notwithstanding, that I have a solid, sustainable, philosophically, spiritually and practical Human Resources practice model, now tried and true in a couple places, iteratively tweaked, that works in 2019 for especially millennials -- front line and management/leadership. So...there's that. So why this sense of failure as a going human concern, from which I'm recovering with salt baths, yoga, 8 hours of rest, and allergy meds! Did I imagine, for example all my debts cleared by 50, an HR Director position, six figure salary, a fully stocked 401k, a six pack, my right hip replaced in the magically new way that allows me to still run half marathons, and have 3 years or more in the current HR Manager position, perfectly poised for the step into the final stretch role for my full time staff working career? Honestly, even now, I'm still vague about what "growing up" -- the "there" of that -- is. What's adult perfection? What if we're striving to get there, when we're already there? And the gnawing anxiety about getting there is all in the head? What if the calls are coming from inside the house? I was obsessing about getting a coach to help me perfect my resume as I consider once again starting a new position. There's this feeling that if I use the right colors, the right words etc, that the landing of a new full time staff role would happen faster. There's this American belief in influencing the income (the outcome) by force and will. At other moments, I believe wholeheartedly, that the right things happen if I place myself in quietude and meditation, and listen to the answers, and get guidance with discretion from the people in my life, the relationships I've built over time that I trust. What is it that's so interesting about going to strangers at our most vulnerable moments for help? As if in that moment of turmoil and vulnerability, we are our true selves and we believe that the stranger will give us sage advice so that we may return to our dearest loved ones perfected and realized without flaws? Or is that just my special kind of crazy? What is it that I think others have that I've failed in my rigorous honesty and hard bore relentless navel gazing to discern? The answer might lie between the infinite and my own musing, rather than some unfound guru who I need to pay hundreds of dollars to for fixing what's already healed. Today, I'm going to avoid trying to figure that out -- I'll forgo intense navel gazing solo, deep psychotherapy, Dale Carnegie, or a Career Coach that I need to pay. Yoga was good. So has swimming and cycling been. I'm going to find the quiet, maybe even read my own stuff, and sit with this discomfort of being imperfect, unrealized, flawed, with hints of fear and concern about the way forward. I'll also, today, go where it's warm. Seems I'm now a part of the goCoach tribe, and even if I think I'm a fraud, I'll imbue myself with the faith they've put in me as a coach for others. Maybe it's true that we lead each other through a challenge without the answers. Superheroes seem to do it all the time -- bluster, guess, bravely jump in, when they really have no idea how it'll all go, pivot as the next right action suggests, bicker and fight about the solution, and somehow blunder through. Sometimes, they misstep, and that was the right thing. And sometimes with surety they act, and it is the end. Maybe the adults just have been around long enough to know that's all there really is. More to come. The big questions -- will I land a full time job? Or will I career coach through the next phase of my ongoing career story? I'm going to let go the reverse fantasy of living under the GWB. Maybe I'm too loved? for that to be my denouement? But as always in my word vomit nuttiness, I had to put that out there. Because...transparency. Because, maybe I've arrived and we're here. Maybe I am a Gay Adult and now it's time to live it, even if I feel I'm a lost child.