Becoming a Gay Adult

I called Tom last night…he'd not called for a while (we used to talk every night, but he'd been a bit distant since I got back from San Fran). He says we're not a match…and can we be friends? He did it very thoughtfully and kind as he always is, and I said yes…I was kinda numb, but I didn't act out and this morning it hit me like a wall of emotion and I cried like a baby almost all the way to the subway. On one hand it hurt like hell, on the other, I'm delighted to know that I have full access to my emotions: confusion, sadness, anger, hurt, but mostly deep mourning. It's all good. It means I'm not as callous as I sometimes think I am…I think as long as I have the support network I have, my heart will remain open to love, joy, and the other natural human emotions of sadness, grief, despair, desire, longing and all that. I'm definitely not going to grow old and bitter. I think though I'll need some time not talking to Tom for a bit, and from dating......

There is so much I want to say...by the way, this blogging is fun...like a virtual confessional that the world can receive and expunge. I saw WTC. Moving, and I'm crying and run into one of the Summer Associates from work on the floor and I'm softer, kinder and human with her. It was a tender exchange. The Hollis apartment is working out afterall. I'm hoping to move in August. What a big adult step for a gay HIV+ jamaican-american black man to take. I thought I'd be dead at 30, and 7 years later, I'm thinking of making a home for myself. Suddenly bars became boring and Bed Bath and Beyond compelling. Color schemes and Home Depot projects. Suddenly nesting. And I want a boyfriend to fit all of it...like an accessory. And now I get the whole marriage thing, and the 50% divorce rate. Kinder, softer, gentler world.

There's a strange sound coming from my window, like someone's recording into a microphone. Must be Queens, New York. So the lady came down in her price and it looks like $125K. Crazy world. I could write a pamphlet for new potential homeowners. It's such a long process, not really grueling but emotionally taxing and everyone who's buying should have a sherpa. Tip 1: have an appraisal, or some hard core research done BEFORE you bid on the place. I'm listless, part heat, part my job changing, part the pressure on my brain from this arduous home purchasing process waxing and waning, part I don't know what to think about this budding relationship and I'm flying to San Francisco to be with him for a weekend in his apartment, part I'm turning 37, part how do I help my roommate deal with not having a lease and some finance stuff, and insects, part medical stuff I'm dealing with, and part realizing that I live in a first world country, I'm not in the mid...

But it's so sad. Ultimately what I really want is to have healthy connected relationships, take good care of myself, like get 8 hours of sleep, eat healthy and manage my emotions well. Is it so boring to contemplate living a normal drama-free life and not feel like I'm subsumed what it means to be a cool ultra-hip metro out gay man? This is the beginning of becoming adult. The coop might fall through. I might have to start looking for a new place in Jamaica Estates closer to the F train. Taking a bus was way too much drama. I am falling in love with Tom.