Becoming a Gay Adult

Yes, I tipped the bicycle over on the most beautiful day in New York City. Angels watch over me since I just barely bruised my knee. I'm fine. And I stuck $20 in the gas tank holder of the non-moving car that I slammed into since I think I scratched it a bit. Just being my sometimes happy-go-lucky, not quite paying attention head in the sky guy I can be...I was smiling then suddenly there was a car, and the brakes, and bike upside down and me sorta standing over it looking down. Not pretty. However, it made me think about a lot of things. Yes insurance and bike repair shops and things, yes. And angels who protect and be more careful, watch the road and non-moving cars, yes. And boundaries and the RULES of the road, of course. Bigger though: on the most beautiful day of the year, why would I crash my bike when NOTHING else was moving? I was the only one in motion and there was NOTHING in my way. It reminds me of the powerful force of self sabotage. I sometimes am the very object...

Leadership and teamwork are important. So is self-mastery. However, I think I'm more interested in cooperation these days: how do people and teams who are DIFFERENT work well together: cooperatively. My Dad worked with farmers' cooperatives: groups of farmers who shared best practices with each other. You'd think their primary relationship with each other would be competition. Yet all the industry associations tell us differently: we are so much stronger together than apart (even if we are competing.) My young friends in corporate America seem (as I did when I was 20-21) to believe that there are limited spots for the best and selected. I really cheer them on towards working with each other on their job searches. As Pooh says, "it's so much better with two." Join with someone else who's also seeking what you seek. Pick your fave five and do the vulnerable work of sharing your dreams and passion, and what you want to do with your life. Your peer sup...

I've got Rowe on the brain. Figuring out what the weather will be like up there, what to wear, what to pack. Who am I driving up with? Who's in the car driving back when we debrief how it all went? This year I want to be kind to all, even the people who rub me the wrong way. The people I consciously avoid because I've been hurt (that is I felt hurt, or have allowed them to be hurtful in the past.) That's my stuff and until I learn how to stand up for myself in front of them, I avoid them. It includes the people I dearly cherish--how will I be with them? Will I truly listen? Will I just project what I want them to be and how I want them to act or will I let them be their full selves? If I do, will I be hurt, or surprised, or love them ever more deeply? Will I sleep well?  All this talk of bed bugs in the city is maddening. I'm trying denial as a tool...when they come, I'll deal. 'Til then I'll live my life wild and strong. Here's to the ex...

and i love my boss. and my team. and the people i do it for...and what they do. officially. that's all. happy work.

15 days to retreat at Rowe. It blows my mind how fast time flies. This retreat's focus for me is to identify how to have a more principled work life. I want to honor my personal need for regeneration and recharge, and the demands of work which I love. That's the rub: I WANT to perform well. AND I have to take care of myself in order to do that. Take care of self outside the office. It's such a balancing act. I have no idea how people parent AND work and have a life. It's incredible how much time things take to do. And how focused and centered I need to be to balance life. The retreat is a place of perspective development, total recharge, and to give some feelings space to breathe. I notice I hold my breath and muscles sometimes at work at that halts effectiveness. Today, I breathe more fully in action. Work well.

Give up if you try hard and fail. Unplug everything and reboot. It might be 8 hours of sleep, or a ride in the park. I'm taking the weekend off. I tried so hard and missed several deadlines or never got to key things I "needed" to do. I have a couple choices: pure anxiety and the wringing of hands, and there's another, let it go, and relax for the weekend and go back in on Monday with focus and energy, with some collective brainstorm energy towards future and past project catch up. I never have to solve it in my own head, and anxiety never solved anything...effectively. Live well.

When it all seems too much and completely impossible. let go. believe.

Rowe Labor Day weekend is 22 days away. I have 22 days to think about what I want to focus on during my time on retreat. I know this year has had physical challenges. What am I blocking in my life that keeps me small and constricted, prevents me from blossoming and growing fully expansive? What blocks me from living a full life? That I have created? How do I breathe through my anxiety? My life is exceedingly good. I just have such a hard time embracing it and breathing into it. It kills me to hold too tightly. More to come on that meditation. Until then, work well.

and there's gravity. there are basic truths, and we honor them best when we work with them. life is tough sometimes and the best way to navigate it, is with the support of friends. so first, cultivate your friendships and support relationships. then, reach out when the going gets tough. simple truths. live well.

start your engines. 25 days to glorious Rowe http://www.rowelaborday.com/ the fellowship and reflection on the year.  the dancing.  the good food.  rest.  the laughter and tears.  men asking the hard questions and grieving the losses, cheering each other on and empowering each other to tackle life well.  we'll talk about our challenges and form plans to meet those challenges in the coming year. i'm excited. today, i jump in.  sessions for employees, and a big project to work on.  went to the gym and wrestled with iron and pushed my body for endurance.  and now we begin. work well.

There is always a honeymoon. Grown-ups get on with the deeper and more fulfilling part of relationships.  Kids stay searching for more moons. The Kids are All Right.  Great movie to show that the adults are damaged and hurtful sometimes though the healthier ones are in a continuous state of correction.  A plane they say is 99% of the time off-course and pilots spend their time gently bringing us back on course. And so it is. My life is amazing and good.  I just have to see it.  And when I get angry, sad, belligerent, upset, despondent, I just review what my life actually is and on my past reflect to bring myself back to noticing I'm all right. These next weeks are full of work tasks, and I will balance that with my personal life goals with friends, family and myself at home.

yippee and this one was mine. taken to lunch feted with flowers.  the trick is to stay humble, yet joyful.  and i think i managed well.  i am loved.  nice chat and a card from Mom on Saturday. enjoying riding my new bike to work and a good workout and warm chocolate cake. mmm. live well.

I wish my parents had warned me that with forgiveness of others (especially them) comes the bliss of a happy, useful and contented life.  I could have started that process earlier. Instead I raged at the machine way past the usefulness of that exercise. It's beyond my control what people do or think or say around my race, sexuality, sero-status or economic condition.  It does matter that I let others be who they are in the world, and that I tend to my own spiritual condition. Bless me for I have made a mess of things and am willing now to listen. Live well.

i get so frustrated when things go differently than i'd planned.  really get all ruffled. got a little nick from my new bike...distracted by eye candy and sweet talk...with my NEW BIKE.  ugh...i wanted to punch him and then i wanted to kick myself...easy to anger. and i breathed and bought some hydrogen peroxide...it's just dangerous for me to bleed for many reasons...major one being sero-status, however other one being that i'm on blood thinners.  so i had a little moment. BREATHE. when things go differently than i plan, find a way to discern the new motion of the river of life i'm in.  and then eye candy is unavailable, and yet he's in pain so a sit and talk at a diner and that's ok.  and time with an abundant being in the universe like me...i'm in pain too...i hurt, he hurts we can be there for each other and be human. and the movies i'd planned: inception, the kids are all right, SALT, can wait.  it's a beautiful day on my gorgeous bike...

This blog has been an amazing journey for me.  It's so hard to believe that this stuff works.  It does. My life is different.  Over the last couple weeks it's been sinking in.  I believe something different about work, life and play than I did before.  I believe something different about the way I can navigate it all.  I'm sitting with that in meditation (which is why I've been missing some days lately.) It's all sort of overwhelmingly good. And then two of my coaching clients checked in to tell me that YES, they both got jobs and they credit the thinking and the process we put together for their success.  It flies in the face of all that many of us believe about work. It'll be exciting to coach them in their first 100 days in office, even as I pass the 60 day mark in my own transformation of the place called "work."  For me, it's been a rich source of play. May you work well and live well.

Perfect weekend. Relaxed, took some sun, pool, ocean, bay, sand, food...sleep. Danced.

Watch out for fighting reality.  Life's got a plan and if I get in the way of it, I get swept off my feet...in a very non-romantic way.  It's painfully bumpy at times. So sense the winds and learn like surfers to ride the wave gracefully:  think of all the wonderful views of life upside down and breathe. Live well.

Whatever it is, work with it.  If it's my inner turmoil, if I'm challenged by behavior I've been trying to manage forever, if it's a relationship with someone else that's baffling, just work WITH it.  Instead of prescribing new behavior, pathologizing it or my relationship TO it, go WITH.  The most dangerous thing we do as human beings is to get in the mix and try to redirect energies that are pre-ordained. Making a rose unfurl faster, is madness. Today I work with life. Live and work well.

Sometimes you feel you made the mistake that's ruined your career: like the time you squirted ketchup on your boss' shirt at a client lunch.  It's amazing the stuff one can obsess about. I spent most of Sunday obsessing over one of those mistakes.  Meanwhile, I think everyone else on the ranch has moved on. I need to forgive myself.  And get on with it, already! The truth is too: this has revealed a perfectionism about others.  Maybe I'm just as hard on others' humanity, as I dwell on my own imperfection. It's food for thought.  Meantime, gentle, gentle, gentle and never bring it up again with co-workers.  Everyone else has moved on.  And it's a drag to keep rehashing the story in my mind, or bringing it up in theirs.  Learn the lesson, APPLY it going forward.  Most of all, LET IT GO! Work well.

There is a comforting illusion in corporations that the "daddy" of the company is taking care of everything and all I have to do is show up and do the work. FALSE. FAIL. I have a lot of responsibility.  First, I need to set the intention for my engagement with a company.  What is it that I hope to contribute to the world, and through my engagement with the company, how do I contribute?  What is the passion for my life?  Answer. Then there is constant vigilance: what is demanded of me that goes against my values, core needs, etc.?  I must identify these early and have thoughtful, respectful conversations to make sure those needs are attended to or else I jeopardize the archway of the relationship between me and work. The weekends are time to realign and assess where I am.  Mondays are for thoughtful re-entry. Work well. Live well.