Becoming a Gay Adult

NYC is electric during the last Sunday in June for us with healthy yet minority sexualities. And this is a day when we gather and say, dance and march with a brave attempt to demonstrate love for ourselves and hope for love and equal treatment by law. We are all human. May we all show each other compassion today. And thank you to those who love and celebrate with us on this day and throughout the year.

We all need downtime. Farmers know to leave land fallow for a period to allow the soil to regain the nutrients necessary for a full crop the season thereafter. If we run our bodies at full throttle consistently throughout the year, our bodies will force us to take a break, but it will be no fun: it'll be in a hospital or in an emergency room. We're build to require rest. This Memorial Day weekend is intensely special: we pause to honor the brave who take action to protect our American Way. Nothing's perfect: so America can be criticized for many flaws, but all in all we do many wonderful things for humankind and our military folks sometimes give their lives so we can keep pursuing the dream of America. Today, as part of my break from work, my partner and I had the privilige of hearing stories of New York City on a bus tour from Sherwood. He's pretty amazing--Vietnam buddies who died close by, close running partners who died in the 9/11 attacks--he's glad to be a...

The most disturbing thing I've experienced in a long time--a huge thud. One of those sounds New Yorkers hear and take a beat to look, because we all want it never to be something that disturbs our super-ordered life. And the beat also ensures it's less than a convenient distraction for a pickpocket. And as I rode my bike over, to what I hoped was just a garbage bag of stuff lying on the asphalt, and as I thought about the car I know intuitively had driven away, as I noticed the stunned man, almost petrified 50 feet away staring hoping he would move, and the woman trembling talking on the phone--everyone was keeping a distance... Sentence fragment, I know. Bear with me, I'm tearing... As I rode my bike closer and some brave soul was now sheltering who I must imagine was no longer of this world, I passed his cane, his prone body, face down, bruised leg, or was it varicose veins from years of drinking? I thought to myself, "was he older having had a full life, was he dr...

Remember, you have a career and it's your responsibility to attend to it. Think of it as your other child, especially if you're a parent. Your career requires just as much attention. And, remember that just as you are attending to yours, that others are attending to theirs. You can be supportive and kind to others too. And that can be even if you're colleagues vying for the same position, or if you have mentees, and sometimes even your own mentors or those to whom you look for guidance. We're all in this together and at different times we need support. Think of who you can support today. Go beyond your own challenges and seek out others to encourage, cheer, and shoulder. The career journey is easier if we go beyond our limited personal scope. Live and work well together.

Think of networking as flossing: you need good tools and you need to set aside time to do it on a regular basis. Probably one of your least favorite activities, but without it, you're inviting cavities. The cavities in consideration here: gaps in your ability to land a new income source if the current one unravels. And we never know (given at will agreements with organizations) when that will happen. Networking when you're burnt out at your current assignment, or when you've lost an assignment, is usually the most painful. Akin to a root canal. However, networking on a regular basis keeps your healthy connections with others alive so that when you do need them you're already all good to go.  You may want to have your own business cards done (in addition to company cards if you have those too.) Certainly, get your LinkedIn and resume souped up and ready to go. It's amazing in the digital age, that people still enjoy the nice paper for resumes when you ...

These team meetings that help set goals and priorities for the year ahead can be overwhelming. There's tons of networking to do, lots to learn and digest, and the pace can be maddening. A few tips: 1. Set a clear intention for the offsite. Maybe there's an initiative whose sponsor you want to corner and quiz. Or, you might have a personal goal to stretch into asking a question in the general session, or alternatively to hang back more and listen. Maybe set one personal and one work goal. 2. Pace yourself. Note how much you can reasonably do and still be crisp and present for all you choose to do. If you're nodding off while the leader's reviewing key points, that extra social time or round of golf might have pushed you too far. 3. Follow up afterwards with all your new contacts. Find organic ways to reach out to all your new contacts within a week or so. Keep the connection fresh (they met lots of people too.) You never know when those connections might be valua...

Bonus time, big projects at work to complete, goals set for 2012 in motion, and awards season--media is buzzing. And death--mid-winter, and it seems several artists are offing themselves, some after a torrid affair with addiction. Deep mid-winter. Workaholism is an addiction as well: one that separates us from the light of our love, our spine, that which makes us most human. It drives us to join with our corporations, rather than our whole selves. All addictions drain us of our life vitality. The comments around Whitney's regal presence, talent, voice and the subtraction addiction was from all of that, remind me deeply that our gifts are irrevocably damaged by driving too hard towards pleasure. That pleasure can be a job well done, a project complete, a raise, promotion... I guess I'm most reminded in this to listen to the support from those who love us. The search for pleasure (whether the high of Valentine's Day Chocolates or a job well done, a rival bested) can...

Must be mid-terms. There are steps that separate men from boys. And I faced a tough week and did it with the best of grace and ease I could muster. I learned lots. One: Annie Lennox rocks it in "Smithereens," and we certainly experience life as islands at time, however we're joined under water. So it's critical that we never bomb each other, even when we appear to be enemies. From a distance we are all one. Two: As Meryl says as Thatcher, our thoughts, words, actions, habits, character and destiny deserve tending. To remain viable, I believe we must be vigilant. Daily. Three: We are all sick. Seriously. We wake up to a story we tell ourselves. We are nervous about ever letting it go. Some of us are shapeshifters, workaholics, some of us are doormats--perpetual victims with a really good story about how the world dumps on us. Some of us drink too much (thinking it's never really enough), and some of us sit in the dark and stare at a computer screen late int...

Denial is a powerful drug, however, it's braver to face truth. And the best way to get there is by triangulating the feedback from others in your life. Ask others you trust and with whom you feel safe what you do well and where they feel you struggle. Self-analysis is great, however, you're only going to be more accurate with feedback. By now, you should have some idea as to whether 2012's grand ambition was too much (or too little.) Test that against your "fave five." Find those few folks who have your best interest in mind. Let them know what you're about this year and how you're doing so far. Hard to believe we're 2 weeks into a new year already. 1/26th's done. How are you pacing?

Rest. Take a beat. Pause completely. Find a quiet spot in your mind, a quiet place to listen, some thoughtful people to brunch with this morning. It is in the quiet we get the most potent inspiration for action throughout the year. Listen. Pause. It's in that moment before the sprint that the 100 meter dash is run. It's in the shower that the CEO alights on the solution to the thorniest management concern. It's in the walk on the beach, wrapped in warmth, watching the waves come in from low tide, that I suddenly realize that life is alright, just one step forward at a time. You are surrounded by a world of good. Breathe well today.

I was the one with those infernal brag sheets--sending a dossier of annual achievements to all my "friends." I'm glad I stopped doing that. I was also that "friend" who called everyone on my phone list year-end (I guess now that would be all the people in my cell phone), to wish them holiday greetings. It would take HOURS! Now I've learned that I can only be close to a select few. And they know I love them because we're in contact all through the year. This is the time of bonus envy too. Who failed to get promoted can feel outrageously offended. How do we measure success, or the viability of a life? The number of friends, the salary number, the title, the progression of a career? What about our health, the number of people who may come visit us in the hospital should we ever take ill, the things that will be said at our funeral, the way people feel around us, the service we gave to others? This is a great time for reflection on what really matt...

After looking back at the year, think about 2012. I will be guided by "The Power of Less," The Fine Art of Limiting Yourself to the Essential by Leo Babauta. My goal for 2012 -- to allow myself to enjoy my simply abundant, rich life. For so many years I suffered from the mythology that I was supposed to earn more, be more, do more, live richer, than I do. I've had painful work experiences out of balance with the rest of my life, debt and dis-ease as a result. 1. There is more and more data to suggest the American Dream is now the American Horror Story if we strive for it without thoughtful self reflection and objectivity. The home outside our means today--that alone has become a simple reminder to reduce our projection of future income, and live on our cash in hand. 2. In America, workers spend some of the lowest number of days away from work of other similar countries, and we typically work more hours. Given the limited number of d...

Home stretch. Finalize your annual review: both one for personal and for work. Set your plans for the remaining holiday time. Even if it's your default plan of spending time with your family of origin, review past times and decide how you want to navigate those gatherings in healthier ways. You might need to set some boundaries for yourself or with others. Some people stay at a nearby bed and breakfast or hotel, to give space and somewhere to go when things get a little out of hand. We all hopefully find ways to still love our families and yet many of us find family trying at times. It helps to have some space to breathe. Some folks find support systems near where they travel---there are tons of them, or networks of friends who can provide perspective and processing. So look them up and make a plan to spend time in spaces and with people who can help you stay grounded at this time. They call it the nuclear family for a reason: the reactivity within families can be ginormous...

'tis the season. Yes, you must watch what you wear. Yes, please make an appearance. Yes, walk in with your team if you can to show team spirit. Yes, please walk around the party and avoid just hiding in a corner with the people you know. You will certainly bring your business cards to hand out to the new business acquaintances you'll make and schedule time to meet them in the new year. This is a most wonderful networking opportunity. And yes, leave before it gets messy. That said--- Yes, you will avoid being the talk of the party the day after. That means you'll save your signature dance moves for your friends and family party later that night or that weekend. Yes, you will demur dancing closely with folks at work. Yes, you'll avoid the holiday party hook-up---can we say "awkward" the day after? Yes, you will eat politely and avoid standing by the fruit/cheese/pigs in a blanket platter. In other words, yes, they're all watching---your boss, boss...

It's that time of year again. Just a reminder to draft what you want 2012 to be for you personally and professionally. Maybe start with drafting your personal goals. And run those by the important people in your life: start with mentors, (rather than your life partner--they are too close to you for you to get the best feedback or to stomach the churn your thoughts about going forward might be), friends, and then check in with your partner. See what that might mean on the work front. Then draft work goals for yourself for 2012 and run those through your people too. THEN, you devise a work appropriate tool with which to share your ideas and thoughts and get your manager's feedback. At work you might even want to run your ideas by a work mentor before you approach your supervisor. A mentor can give you suggestions on HOW to present your ideas for the best outcomes: a fulfilling conversation, and brainstorming about solutions that work for you AND the organization. Try to...

One of the greatest ways to welcome more abundance in your life is to give thanks. Just that simple act helps you to realize you ALREADY have more than you sometimes think you have. The air we breathe, the ability to walk, to ride a bike, to be with loved ones, to sleep soundly--these are luxuries some in Cairo, Bangladesh, inner city New York, have so little of that they cry themselves to bed, if they can find one. We must express our gratitude. These holiday times may seem sparse compared to others in our past, and yet many of us have more than we really need. So we can take some time too to give to others. A hug, a smile, a kind word as we bustle through these shorter, cold days in the northeast can bestow abundance on others. Remember your mentors, and those who supported you through the year. Send them a text, an email, a card. Let them know you appreciate them. And take time for yourself in the quiet to write down what has made your life rich this year. Then notice how yo...

One of the most important things in life is family. It is the foundation of a powerful career. Period. So I prescribe that you spend some quality time with your family during the Bermuda Triangle of Thanksgiving Dec 25 time and New Year's. It seems to me that several cultures have major holidays during this Northern spell of shorter and colder days. It's a time for reflection on the year past, an evaluation of the past harvest --- a taking inventory and conversation with key stakeholders about our performance. The most important performance evaluation is "who am I in the world and what was my impact on others?" "Am I going in the direction aligned with the very best of me and am I interacting in a way with others that brings out the very best in them?" Then, from that foundation, review the work objectives and accomplishments. And gauge what the way ahead is given what family needs. Without family, a career is build on a shaky foundation. Now, esp...

Mental clutter is the bain of a successful career. It's what distracts you from your primary purpose as you busily get things done. You suddenly look up and it's November 12th or something and you wonder where the year went and why as it's Thanksgiving, you're thinking of what to give thanks for. The design of a year's action plan ought to have enough buffer to allow life's random form to take place. And yet it should move forward in a way that serves your personal growth and development in ways that authentically align with your purpose on earth. What you feel connects you to truth is worth holding onto as a rudder for life. Evenso, after chats with Mother, I've also learned that values must be pliable enough to flex to new knowledge you gain as you travel. There's nothing more foolhardy than holding on to old beliefs that no longer serve you. I think it's suicidal. That means, that you do the work of self introspection. That delicate work of jo...

There are those who say that the holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day are the Bermuda Triangle. It seems appropriate on Diwali to make some plans for this great time of year. Days are shorter, triggering SAD: seasonal affective disorder and getting folks excited about vacations to Key West and places warm and sunny. Now is the time to write down the names of those who inspire our gratitude and to think about how you might thank them this year. It could be as simple as a card, a call, a brief visit to have a cup of tea. It's the thoughtfulness of the interaction that we most remember, rather than the cost or value of the gift. Beyond being the right human thing to do, this is the time to reach out to mentors and your support network so that you make the choices that are most in line with who you want to be. There's a lot more alchohol and free sugar around this time of year. And people can get lonely too: so add a little more dash of thoughtfulness and su...

It's a curious thing that I've never contemplated or covered how we weave our family relationships into our work lives. So allow me a pit stop there. It's complicated. We all say "family comes first." And yet, does it really? Many of us have parents who made sure there was food to eat and shelter. To do that, they had to be absent sometimes during what were critical moments of our lives. Today's career hungry strategist has made the choice to miss even more of those family moments to gain the next promotion, to jostle to the top, to make the mark, to meet the deadline. I'd be inauthentic in saying I have a model sense around balancing this critical work-related challenge. How do you balance being a responsible, kind, supportive and appropriate family member, while honoring work responsibilities and building a successful career? The answer is completely individual, I suppose, and depends on the level of responsibility assumed at work AND at home. Comm...