Becoming a Gay Adult

It pays to listen.  What a man says, especially on first meeting, can tell you a lot. I have learned to even listen to myself as I speak, as I tell my story.  It's less about shaping my image, and more about hearing how I frame my life.  There is a lot that is true about me.  What do I want others to remember: how do I want them to enter my reality? Do I want others to view me as broken, without rudder, or do I want to be seen as having valuable assets, and be seen as one who's also clear about my liabilities and what help I need? This is what I'm thinking as I end the day.

Life has a funny way of saying, "I love you."  Just keep dancing with life and you'll see.  There's so much love in the world, piles and piles. Jump onto the amazing feather top love.

Sometimes things just happen.  Go with the flow. Challenging commute home.  Train went somewhere new.  Explored the new land, learned some cool things, the bee-lined home and got here at the same time. Live Well.

I overheard a (presumably) straight guy on the BART complaining to his (presumably) girlfriend that the gays should just "be" instead of taking a day to crunk up traffic and make life miserable for others for one day.  At least that was my take of his goings on.  After that he did some pull-ups on the rails, seemingly to show his woman how masculine he is. I thought about LGBT Pride Day, having just been deeply moved (as I am every year) by LGBT folks taking over major thoroughfares of commerce.  Down Market Street, what significance is it that a man rode his bicycle nude, or children of gay folks skipped rope blocking traffic so folks had a hard time getting to Fisherman's Wharf? The question is itself. And one thought that springs up is:  of course it would be great for all LGBT folks, or all Black folk, or Puerto Rican folk, or women, or the handicapped, to just "be."  We could and should do the introspection and build thoughts, words and actions i...

The hills are fun.  We're eating really good food.  I'm enjoying family. Soon I'll be with my best gym buddy and his boy.  I'm obviously feeling silly.  Less sleep than I like, falling asleep on the couch. Life is good on the West.

Get in the flow of life.  It's delicious: so I dare you to bite in and chew thoughtfully.

It amazes me, and yet I've known it for ages, that we humans accomplish more working together than we do on our own. When we work well together, we bring out each other's personal best, we cheer each other on, and keep each other motivated.  When I plugged out of organizations, I functioned at a lower productivity level. Granted I did some well needed down-adjustment, however, I'm enjoying the rush of performing with a team. Really.  It's fun.  Even when the work is tough and challenging.  It's fun to feel that rush with other humans achieving challenging goals that would seem IMPOSSIBLE at the starting line.  I think it's what humans were designed to do: the impossible together. So there: I'm exhausted in a good way.  I feel appropriately used up at the end of the day and ready to eat something yummy and as healthy as I can manage, then get some relaxation time and then true shut eye rest.  And, I'm excited to do it again. The joy of working w...

I take full responsibility for my happiness. If I partner well with the others in my family, my neighborhood, my selected tribe, my mentors, those I support, my co-workers and with myself (my higher wisdom), then I can have outrageous happiness. If I court my lower self, if I cut myself off from support of others, if I ALLOW others to hurt, ignore or debase me, then I actively participate in my own unhappiness. Yes, stuff happens; however, it is my current belief that even then, we have choices about how to respond.  Do we immediately ask for help (from those who CAN --capacity + willingness-- help/vs those we think "should")?  Do we in shame feel responsible for fixing our own mistakes, rather than see ourselves in perpetuity and with grace surrounded my loving others willing to help pick us up (even when we pulled the tablecloth down ourselves and ruined our own dinner?) I choose to do life with the loving, caring and demonstrable supportive others.  I choose ha...

Stay in the game long enough and every once in a while you get a bly. Things line up and it feels miraculous that it happened that way. It was just one of those days.

Each day is its own adventure.  Breathe it in deeply: all it's sights and smells.  Challenge it to reveal secrets, then rest in preparation.

I grew up with work hard, play hard--bunk!  I'm over that concept.  It fails--it leaves me wrecked at the end of the weekend, only to throw my tired ass body into the office on Monday, try to catch up (in vain) during the week and then exhausted on Friday, try to "have fun." NOOOOOOO! I want better pacing so it's, "work collaboratively, play with easy."  I want grace and ease in my life consistently over time.  I want (just as the bird on my fire escape) to have nest time.  The most beautiful eggs in this delicate nest REQUIRE the bird to sit on them to keep them warm. I need to sit my ass at home and take care of my nest: dust, meditate, sort my old emails, play some good music and be with me sometimes.  I was "out" almost all weekend and though I loved every minute of the beach, the walk down the Hudson, and will enjoy my time out today and the housewarming for a dear friend, I NEED KARL TIME to sit on the couch and be with me. So, I'...

Some guy said I go to the beach to show off.  Now, I am competitive, and I do have a bit of narcissism.  Um, hello, which gay man do YOU know who's has escaped dysmorphia?  It's almost a requirement for the gay gene. By the way, see "Gary and Tony have a Baby." I'm blathering.  I got some sleep.  I need to nap on the beach today.  Relax my brain.  Relax my muscles: it may even be time for a week off from the gym.  Perfection: at work, with my body, in relationships, is overrated.  Gentle acceptance works better every time. So maybe I'm going to the beach with some desire for accolades and compliments.  So what?  I'm also going to chill and rest.  And I changed my beach plan so I can see my friends who want to see me instead of isolating on another beach by myself.  Yet, I will bring the day to close when I feel complete about the beach and being out, so I can spend quiet time at home and get full sleep tonight. Sel...

Yes, it's Friday.  I worked.  I got a lot accomplished, and I tried my best to do it all with grace and ease.  Sometimes I muscled through things, and my body feels a little beat up for that.  I did try my best to ask for help with challenging tasks.  Especially today, I got clarity around requests and that was SMART!  We actually agreed on what was high priority and that took pressure off this afternoon so I could focus on getting one thing done, to the best of my ability, and know that Monday, I can get the other priority thing done. That makes me feel good. Monday already has two key actions to accomplish, and yet, I'm focusing now on doing laundry, and will focus tomorrow on having a nap on the sand.  I'm going to be calm and cool on the beach, baby.  I'm going to eat yummy food slowly, and relax my muscles.  I could really use a massage soon, and some Alexander Technique.  I did make it to the chiropractor and I'm looking for ...

You get hit if you're staring at the pavement cracks (see Annie Lennox). The sky is so much more dynamic and exciting. Life's good; just fast right now.  A LOT OF COACHING going on: I love it. One step at a time folks.  Set a goal and go for it.  Choose something simple and reasonable and pick a buddy or two to let know how you're doing.  You NEVER need to do a job hunt, or change your attitude/focus at your current job on your own.  There is help. Happy Hunting & Work Well

Was it the 3.5 mile run today after the doctors said I may never be able to do that?  My runner friend says the endorphins are better than chocolate.  The docs said my heart may never be the same after the damage, my lung capacity forever altered.  And yet, explain why my mileage was actually OK.  I ran non-stop the Corporate Challenge. I think it was the random cheering on the sidelines.  You know, we all need cheering on: it really made a difference every time I thought to quit and walk! Was it my own coaching/cheering on this morning before work and making a difference in someone's life?  Did I pump myself up by helping someone else? Was it accidentally coaching at night after the run?  My natural gifts lifting someone else? Was it making correction for my mistakes yesterday WITH some amazingly forgiving and generous co-workers who went out of their way to help me?  Was it realizing I never need to be perfect?  That telli...

I hate making mistakes.  I love my luxurious fantasy of perfection.  And today my humanity, my imperfection shone through fiery.  I hung in there and cleaned it up. I've learned, you just tell people you screwed up.  Say how you're going to fix it immediately, and how you're protecting it from happening going forward.  It matters little whether anybody else had anything to do with it.  Throw no one under the bus, however, you may want to bring them in on the effect the error had and get their buy in for the proactive solution for future transactions. Truth is, things move so fast that especially with transactional work, there are bound to be errors now and then.  The time it takes to be perfect would result in paralysis.  It's that magical balance between getting it done (and maybe having to beg forgiveness) and taking so long to deliver that by the time you do deliver, it's too late to be of any use (especially since you've now teed off ...

There's a challenge to staying the course: burnout. We must create sustainable careers.  That's what makes life worth living: doing something we love in balance with what's most important: our parents (however we define them), our brothers and sisters, family, children (also subject to personal definition), our board of directors, those we look after, our neighbors, our friends and lovers/partners, our home. Our selves, our spirit, our faith. We must fill our wells, daily if possible, so that we can be present for work. Our source of power must be activated, or else we're empty husks at work, grabbing for sustenance.  I felt it: grasping for air as my lungs shut down, blocked veins in my legs so I could not move.  I jacked my body up overdoing, overachieving often beyond the bounds of human possibility (and many times of my own design.) I'm learning to honor the body's limitations and 24 hours per day (part of which is designed for rest.) Sustainable...

Working with others to achieve goals is one of the most challenging human endeavors. Being a "star" is so engrained in us.  We're ranked and sorted so early in our lives that we feel a connection to survival regarding being adored and put on top of "the heap."  At work, it seems being a "top performer" is the end goal. I remember reading a book about the "caterpillar pillar."  And there was something that always stuck in my craw: being the best, means a better life than most.  We become "layoff resistant," less likely to be cheated on by our partners.  And how we pride ourselves regarding being BETTER OFF than others.  Entire show lines get ratings around "at least my life is better than that."  Entire conversations at dinner sometimes revolve around ripping someone else apart: how silly they look, act, speak etc. and at least we're better than that. It makes it hard to look someone who we disregard in the eye and ...

Sometimes I go off the grid.  My cousin teases me about that: "you are spontaneous," she said to my protestation that I'm very structured all the time.  "You just do it on your own terms." I do.  And sometimes that means the cell phone goes off, I go away, sometimes just in my living room, and tune out the world.  It's important: a mini-vacation.  A time for just me.  And I can do that with one person: someone called it "bi-solation," or it can be by myself.  I think as long as it's conscious, it's fine.  If it's unconscious and a way to avoid something core and important to yourself or others that you've promised, then it's an issue. I deliberately made no plans for today.  My life has started to feel pressurized with responsibilities to others.  And I wanted a day for myself.  I spent the first part curled up in bed, then brunch and a walk, and the second half is for me to pay bills, putter around some other paperwork a...

Beyond my limited vision, is a deeper design for my life. I notice that in working with clients.  We all have blind spots.  There are areas of our lives and perspectives that are completely blocked to us.  We have to be open to what others say to us about us and our experiences in order for us to live the fully realized lives that we are meant to live. If the feedback of others is too intense, as sometimes it certainly is, take pause to commune with the sky: turbulent clouds or translucent dancing angels.  Or delight in a flower; admire the thorny stem.  You'll often find the answers through your senses too.  I push too much and overwhelm myself sometimes and miss out on the tenderer messaging available.  Slow down and often confusion morphs into clarity. Harder said than done. I say all this to say: today is a good day.  My life is abundantly, gloriously good, mirroring the cloudy day signalling rain that shifted to bright sunlight, ...

I coached today.  It felt so good.  We made light bulbs go on. And then I kicked ass at work.  I helped people feel more grounded and secure at work.  I feel really good. The earth feels firmer, less woozy feeling when I try to do something.  I'm starting to feel some anchoring at work.  After 2 weeks it's starting to make sense: the flow of the work, the way people work together, talk in the hallway. We thank each other, we're kind, we're interested in each other as people.  It's interesting noting culture and "how" we get work done. Cheers. Hunt Well, Work Well, Live Well and do the most good.

There is a time for bushwacking. And a time to stand quietly in the rain. Life has its own flow and movement.  It's important to honor it or get swept up in the tide, flailing in despair.  Find the inner tube and laugh.

Ah, support.  I'm getting it in spades. Here's how you can get some too. 1.  Identify mentors.  These are people who you want to be or who have something you aspire to have: qualities or titles, values or things.  Run your plan by them for big picture perspective. 2.  Pick your fave five.  Especially if you're starting a new gig or planning a change, the close friends you have can all you on your bs and keep you from making crazy moves.  Run any big ideas or change by them BEFORE you activate your grand exit from your current gig(s).  Friends are good to run your petty concerns and fears by.  [Your partner should be kept in the loop; however never your main lean-on person: it's just too close to home.] 3.  Get a buddy at work.  This is your colleague, who might be struggling just as you are: asking the same questions, succeeding and able to clearly see, validate and understand exactly what you mean when you use work acronyms...

The Results and The People Relationships are both important.  And often they can seem to be in conflict. It's important to consider the human relationships and getting the task done.  Finesse between those two things is crucial to work success. When dilemnas arrive I want to solve the results on my own.  When the pressure mounts, I want to hurl my impressive intelligence at it to make it subside.  I just have to do that IN CONCERT with others in the orchestra or else I make annoying sounds that get people upset. So today I could have used more silence.  I'll try that tomorrow. And, I want to practice a great question to ask around dilemnas.  "I have a problem and I need your help."  Then I can state my challenge, the competing priorities, and brainstorm solutions (rather than solving the challenge on my own.) Thoughts for today. Work well.

OK, it's been brought to my attention that I need to rest even more than I think I do. It's almost the same as hunger: by the time you realize you're hungry, you should have probably eaten.  I think what happens with bodily functions is that if I choose to ignore them over time, they come back over-strong, demanding more than is reasonable.  Then the systems go into overdrive which is dangerous for sustainability. The key to winning at life is continuous, rigorous, listening to my body, my psyche.  The messages are often clear around self-care, same as keeping an engine tuned, for great performance. Today, I listen to my engine, especially when it says rest, because I want to be effective in the game of life, because I want to be in it for a long time. Live well.

I'm moved by the movie HOWL.  Knew little about Ginsberg.  Wonderful learning and tears.  They really thought the gays were crazy...electric shock.  Go see it when it goes live in New York and SF. Going in again to see David's Birthday.  Maybe lighter? Live Well.

Life is a marathon, sprints are inadequate to manage its challenge.  I do need these breaks though.  Time to rest and rejuvenate.  Tiredness seeps into my bones sometimes when I push too hard.  Overdid it a little this week.  Pulling back to the core this weekend. Rest in motion.  Laundry, ironing, some basic cleaning, organizing, the film festival and talking to some great people.  Life continues, in its infinity, to be good.  Very good. Work well.  Play well.  Live well.

I feel fully used up from today.  I believed.  I took action.  I had fun.  I laughed. Life is good.

Silence is filled with sound. Sometimes I feel I need to fill every void and then I realize that's compulsive.  I can allow the silence.  I can allow myself to sleep. I no longer need to be perfect.

I love the way we ride the crest of the wave at work. It's exciting to achieve and do well.

I did good work today. And it's important to outside of work, to have support and connections.  I spent some time doing that today.