Becoming a Gay Adult

There's so much I've written. There are essences I want to remind myself about--however, it has been written about Thanksgiving, the Holidays, end of year rituals, performance reviews, quiet time and reflection, holiday office parties, even about death. That all is happening now. As a Human Resources Manager for a small team, it's devastating to experience the death of a colleague. And as we say goodbye, and honor what he brought to our team, sadness and grief, and wondering if there's anything anyone could have done more of to keep his brilliant candle burning just longer--a decade, a year, weeks to say goodbye properly... I sit here at a loss. I think about his mother, and friends, and at this time of year. And I bless them--hold them in love and we'll see what the right action is. He is. He was loved. I ask myself (and we ask ourselves about the importance of things at this time of year anyway), what is most important. I want to go to some deep thought. Howeve...

I suppose I will continue to learn how to celebrate the happiness and achievements of others for the rest of my life. It's hard sometimes to let go of the nagging thought that their is a limit to good in the world and I have to hardscrabble my way to get mine. James is now happy with someone else and it's all public out there. It's time to really let go. My dating adventures after have been less fruitful and I wonder if I'll be single for the rest of time. There's really no way to know and it's really none of my business trying to figure that out. What is present now is my loving relationship with my godson, those I mentor, my dear friends, family and my new colleagues. There I can focus for now and celebrate that others have a love that wafts sweet warm kisses in the morning to go with New York's most romantic fall dawns. For now, it's me and my pillow. Celebrate happiness.

And we're back in the workforce. As an HR Manager, it's a whole new world. There is so much to manage at once, and as a new HR Manager, I have to find my rhythm in asking questions, making decisions, prioritizing, taking actions, pacing, rest... There's so much to do. It's very similar to swimming in the Long Island Sound, which I did yesterday during the Jarden Westchester Triathlon. It's amazing how intimidating something can be, and yet if you train hard for it, and show up, amazing things happen. I was fairly peaceful, even though two years ago this 0.9 mile swim would have been a crazy impossible thing for me to do. Gently, over time, with lots of help, I got to yesterday at 7:24am. When the horn sounded, I stepped into the water with some confidence, some fear, and a decision to do this well. And I had moments when I felt lost, and WAS lost, and I recalibrated. There were times I swam alongside others, and I noticed it was easier to make a go of it. So it ...

I'm a big fan of time off. There's an hour or two or maybe time when we sleep. If practical or if needed just once in a while, turn the electronics off. Give your mind a time to be quiet. Loved the NY Times take on this-- http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/22/fashion/step-away-from-the-phone.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0&adxnnl=1&ref=general&src=me&adxnnlx=1379881290-MOJ9w6ZSpUGlyaiSgr5oLw Take a weekend, or a treasured holiday time. Again, give the body time to recharge and engage with the people, connect with the places, learn from the things that fuel your passion. But I've discovered the value in some time off in between gigs. I'm thinking of a couple months of sabbatical each five years or so, to recalibrate my career engine. Creative folks often have this naturally between plays, movies or television shows, whether they are in front of the camera or supporting the production. It is often a time of nervous frantic grasping for the next gig as a perso...

Maybe I thought things would happen faster than they are happening. I've honestly thought about packing it all in and going home. Except for one tricky thing--where's home? The parental unit disavowed me around the whole gay thing a long time ago. My brother is just setting up his home. And on some level, I'm learning I still have so much work left to do to create my own home--a truly solid sense of identity. This "sabbatical" is forming it more wholly and it's amazing to watch it unfold. And there are some nibbles now around ways I could potentially earn again and support myself, so that bodes some hope to stay put and build home here and now for myself. Finally. On some level, success was a way to prove to my father that I'd made it. It's dawning that a more interesting route is to mine the authentic me, to build my own home base, find my true tribe of brothers (in addition to the awesome live one I have) and go forth from there. Rudimentar...

WSJ.com just twerked on passion. I'm upset because the articles are usually spot on and brilliant. As with most journalism, it's written with a catchy title that seems at first to completely "debunk" traditional wisdom (or upend some basic anchor for reality). We all see through these clickable links as desperate siren calls for click-throughs and readership to build ad dollar revenue, and yet we still click away our time. In this article it's transparent because the meat of the article then backtracks and tries to weave in the opposite idea, using passion as a factor in initial career choices and in the development of new directions for mature workers. It then treads dangerous territory in telling people the crap (sorry, this article angered me) that they can "wear out" their passion" in the workplace. The alternative proferred is to get excited about what the job market has to offer and build a career around that and internally generate pass...

I lost my way. Disillusion can be freeing of illusion or deprivation of a vision. I think both are happening with me. And so I conclude that is is amazing--and I think an important part of every journey--to get lost. We fight it, but sometimes it's the right thing to do. Yes, I'm looking for a new job. I had to walk away from what was presented to me as the rest of 2013 at work. But it's bigger than that. I looked at what I was doing and I felt as if the walls were crashing in on me--physically because of the volume, but we all feel that. Moreso, psychologically and emotionally--this was less than what makes me a full contributor to the spin of the world. I want to give more and giving less was killing me. I'm taking time to pause and rediscover the passion that will get me back in the game of work--to be a full and fulfilled contributor giving of the wisdom I've gained from 23 years of full-time work, from managing others, from observing leaders, managers and H...

What a powerful word! There are many times in a career when you fear it's all over. That there's no coming back from that end--that crossing the line from life to all bets are off. This season reminds us through these major holidays in cultures and religions that endure, and through the powerful rite of spring, when buds appear from trees that have long appeared through winter, dead, that rebirth is possible. So take the time to look at what has continued to work in spite of the odds at work. Use that as your strength--your platform on which to rebuild momentum towards goals you've set or that have been set for you this year. Look from that strength at the things that are failing you. What habits, what attitudes, what language no longer serves you in the current situation? Maybe the environment has changed? Maybe you've changed? Ask for support from your trusted mentors and use their guidance well. It could help you at a critical moment in your career. Hopefully...

There is a reason holidays persist. It's a time to gather the tribes. There are important stories to tell. One of those stories is your own. We can only tell our stories, truly reveal ourselves, with safe ones. So identify them again. Our safe ones change over time, a past friend or lover may no longer be included in your tribal gathering. So re-evaluate. Even family members can become toxic over time, so think through, rather than fall back on your traditional list of folks. How have you felt in their presence over the last few months? Have you noticed a retraction of their support? Have you been in touch at all over the last few months? Try to clear the air of course, and never assume you know what's going on from their end of the friendship, family connection or mentorship, but ask the questions if you sense something has changed. We all deserve clarity in our close relationships. Mentorships are interesting relationships. Hang in them long enough and reverse mentoring i...

How do you define a successful life? I think, post-holidays, this idea of what this year should be comes to mind. What if it's in the quality of sleep each night, and the love you enjoy from those closest to you? What if any profit is really from having enough time, money, and other stuff to enjoy the love around you? Then, how do the actions you take this year, this month, this week align with that vision you have for yourself as a viable human being and then your career? Reminder: we spend the most time at work. How does work time move the dial forward for the total being of you. If it goes against, it detracts from what you want to be in the world. Is that a worthy sacrifice? Challenge. Write about it this year. Talk with trusted friends. If you need to adjust the work you do: mold the current work, find a new position within the current organization, or seek new frontiers, do it, for life is short and the years they roll along quickly. Happy New Year. Live and Work ...

Oh thanks be to whoever in wisdom put pause in these darkest days of the year (in the north anyway.) Hopefully you've had time to note the things that went well this year and where you might want to put some attention for 2013. While you're with dear family and friends, take some time to share what's most important to you. Celebrate the wins with them, and share what your dreams are for the year ahead. It is the most intimate thing you can do -- to share so vitally of your self. Wins inspire others. Dreams tickle the imagination of those around you. It's quite possible others share your dream and can support or just run alongside as they accomplish the same dreams with you. If you can find some quiet time alone, go inside. Find the longings and the hurt places and give them space and time to reveal to you some next right actions. Grieving is an action--that might be right today. A career is a direction. Holidays are a time to look thoughtfully at the map. We p...

So on a day when I could be raising awareness that there is still no cure for HIV, and yet there's hope it could be preventable if we practice safe behavior, I've got a microinequity stuck in my craw. Doing my NYC duty helping some tourist ladies take that picture in front of some ginormous cut down tree plopped in the perfect location for such things--after she interrupted my confab with Siri sharing a win with a mentor--and what does she say? 'Are you going to run away with my iPhone?' And can you imagine? I chalked it up to crazy, forgave her, said not a word, took the picture, smiled and just shook my head as I walked away. Happy Holidays, lady. Though I know it was a teachable moment, I really wanted to get on with my day.   It's hardly my job to educate everyone else. I have enough on my plate getting the next aha into my own psyche than to be disarmed everytime someone else's nuttiness floods my psyche. So this is one of the moments I chose to shake ...

I've never seen the city so sad. Underneath is a resiliency and a toughness--the city attracts survivors, people who've been through hell and want something more and yet want their privacy and space. This is a social city when you want to be social, but we love our alone and self-sufficient time. A storm forces people to be in touch with each other in ways that are uncomfortable. There are so many who are out of their zone and need help. And it's hard for them to admit or ask for it. Tomorrow, so many who were going to run their own private challenge are spending the time giving to others. It'll be as hard for them as it will be for those who's doors they knock. It's an experiment of giving beyond comfort to help those who suffer. We'll see how that goes.

There is a whole generation that believes (I'm wildly generalizing here) that we must pull ourselves up by our own individual power. While there are many things that we must do for ourselves, there's more power in working together. The challenge is to figure out with whom to align. Look back at your goals, and also note your natural rhythms. Many folks align themselves with the popular, the A-list, the powerful. While interesting, you might soon find yourself suffering from internal conflict, confused as to why you feel as if you're swimming against the current and working twice as hard to get the most basic things done. Salmon swim better with other salmon, birds flying together ease the wind draft, rotating the lead giving everyone else some lift, even in a bicycle race, those behind get the draft advantage. So flock together. Just choose your tribe. Choose people with whom there's little effort to connect. Forcing connections will leave you exhausted. Find fo...

It's hard to find the line in the sand where you're stretching beyond the comfort zone into growth and development and when you're just in over your head. It's been said in a triathlon (swim, then bike, then run) the swim is merely a warm up for the more challenging parts of the race. But when I'm a novice swimmer who takes 1.5 hours to do what others do in 40 minutes, is it still a warm up? or is it now the full course, the main meal, the entree needing no dessert? Or when I fell and now need medical attention to a few wounds, do I give up and go to the medical tent or soldier on to the finish line and then pause? It's tricky. It may depend on the situation, the day, other variables. How we decide what's pushing our limits and what's breaking us is hard. I guess the answer in this case was in my godson's eyes as he looked up at me proudly, held my hand and ran the last few yards to the finish line. I gave him my finisher shirt. He seemed to ...

So we're in 3rd Quarter 2012. It's a good time to assess projects and see where things stand as we get closer to performance reviews. In order to turbo-charge performance you might have to amp up the stakes a bit. Do one thing that terrifies you to get the motor going. I'm aiming to do a triathlon next Sunday. Actually, it more than terrifies me--I think I'm completely out of my league. The sprint triathlon for practice a couple weeks ago was pushing the limit for me--I swam most of the swim portion doing snow angels in the water on my back (in a wetsuit.) It was sad. Third to last out of the water. And now, to wrap up this triathlon training adventure, I'm choosing to attempt the Olympic distance which includes a .9 mile swim. And today in the pool I managed 900 yards (barely half)...and I stopped after each 25 yards doing that distance in an hour. I have an hour to complete the mile on race day. Yikes. So pick something that's a stretch and dare yourself...

This is a good time to look at your annual goals. Spruce them up to reflect any changes in direction on your team and review them with your supervisor. Be careful to recalibrate goals which may have become obsolete or less critical given some other priorities. Review your changes with a couple folks to make sure you still have realistic targets. Work well.

NYC is electric during the last Sunday in June for us with healthy yet minority sexualities. And this is a day when we gather and say, dance and march with a brave attempt to demonstrate love for ourselves and hope for love and equal treatment by law. We are all human. May we all show each other compassion today. And thank you to those who love and celebrate with us on this day and throughout the year.

We all need downtime. Farmers know to leave land fallow for a period to allow the soil to regain the nutrients necessary for a full crop the season thereafter. If we run our bodies at full throttle consistently throughout the year, our bodies will force us to take a break, but it will be no fun: it'll be in a hospital or in an emergency room. We're build to require rest. This Memorial Day weekend is intensely special: we pause to honor the brave who take action to protect our American Way. Nothing's perfect: so America can be criticized for many flaws, but all in all we do many wonderful things for humankind and our military folks sometimes give their lives so we can keep pursuing the dream of America. Today, as part of my break from work, my partner and I had the privilige of hearing stories of New York City on a bus tour from Sherwood. He's pretty amazing--Vietnam buddies who died close by, close running partners who died in the 9/11 attacks--he's glad to be a...

The most disturbing thing I've experienced in a long time--a huge thud. One of those sounds New Yorkers hear and take a beat to look, because we all want it never to be something that disturbs our super-ordered life. And the beat also ensures it's less than a convenient distraction for a pickpocket. And as I rode my bike over, to what I hoped was just a garbage bag of stuff lying on the asphalt, and as I thought about the car I know intuitively had driven away, as I noticed the stunned man, almost petrified 50 feet away staring hoping he would move, and the woman trembling talking on the phone--everyone was keeping a distance... Sentence fragment, I know. Bear with me, I'm tearing... As I rode my bike closer and some brave soul was now sheltering who I must imagine was no longer of this world, I passed his cane, his prone body, face down, bruised leg, or was it varicose veins from years of drinking? I thought to myself, "was he older having had a full life, was he dr...