Becoming a Gay Adult

Last night at a party someone asked me what I do.  And it was so easy.  I never say unemployed.  So self-esteem killing.  I've heard some people say, "I'm between jobs."  I've heard others say, "I'm engaged in a job hunt."  Follow that up with WHAT you're looking for.  Especially at a party or a networking event, you have no idea who the other person knows (including your ex-boss.)  So be sure to have a simple two sentence pitch for your new job: industry/function and maybe even a couple organization names in there.  Have of course, your card handy.  I did mine on moo.com. And in my case, the way I'm going to refill the cash I've taken out of my retirement funds (a have 2 months cash left and then I'm out on my ass), is to do some career coaching for others.  And I love it!  I love coaching others.  I would LOVE for it to be part of my next full-time gig, however that's ok.  I think as long as on the weekends or aft...

I believe (now) that we human beings are mutually dependent.  They say none of us are islands.  I've heard "six degrees of separation" and the "butterfly effect." Living in NYC, we try so hard sometimes, maybe because it would be impossible to admit our connection to each other 5,000 times a day (if you run through Times Square as many times as I do a day.)  In rural Jamaica where I grew up we said hello each time we passed someone on the street.  And up in rural New York State where I went to college we had a "hello" tradition: we said hello to everyone we passed in the neighborhood. Whether we acknowledge who we pass by out of politeness or a sense of true brotherhood, whether we culturally rush by heads down, we are all connected.  Remind yourself of that if you feel a drift into a sense of one against the world. Yesterday was humbling as I opened up some more to those who love me; and those I love.  I told them I was afraid of ending up homel...

Even when under a foot of snow, keep believing. I agree with those who say that the universe truly balances out.  What you put in, you get back.  Even when you feel like it's the end, keep moving forward. Sometimes we pause, because it's prudent, or this morning, everything is slower.  People walk slower to prevent slipping in the snow.  Trains are slower because of "inclement weather."  People cancel important meetings. That's when you visit the inside:  what can I affirm internally to keep me going?  Do I probably have some resources I can tap while I wait?  I try saying things like, "everything is perfect just the way it is right now."  "I'm grateful for my health and well-being."  "Spring is coming." It's these little things that keep my attitude promising and warm in the face of cold and pause. Cheers.

Employees just want respect. If you're struggling with getting it from your supervisor, or you're dealing with a defiant or belligerent employee and you're at your wits end, reach out to me.  We can overview the situation and come up with solutions. I just worked with a young man who was struggling with his supervisor.  In fact, he'd gotten suspended for a couple days.  Situation, he told his supervisor he thought he was smarter because he spoke TWO languages: Spanish and English and his supervisor only spoke ONE.  Reality:  the employee felt he was being treated as a child and blurted this out to try and establish that he wanted more autonomy and trust from his supervisor and there were specific instances and behavior that he wanted to outline and request behavior changes around. The supervisor felt that there were specific responsibilities which had been inappropriately attended to: late, ignored and that some of the breaks the employee took were unwar...

In 2010, I encourage transparency.  It's tough to pull off.  As they say, I think it's appropriate to "say what you mean, without being mean." I'm really enjoying Pamela Slim's book.  The wisdom around networking is thoughtful.  We are social creatures and we are more successful if we try to get things done together.  I think that's one generation point for organizations.  Someone had a great idea and got a few people together to build on that. And eventually, you end up with 5,000+ people working with you to engage a set of goals or results. As individuals, we can lose what makes us authentic, open and transparent, if we get lost in the organization's goals or vision.  Toggling between the organization's goals/values and our own can be hard work.  Ideally, you want to work where there's some synergy.  However, just remember there are still two distinct entities involved: you...the company.  Try to keep those clear. And remember, t...

If you've ever been bullied, this one's for you. The office is often like the school playground and those of us who've been bullied sometimes recreate situations at work that are opportunities for us to finally stand up for ourselves.  Accepting more work responsibility and then getting reamed out for failing to ace it all, is a classic way to set myself up for victimization. What's comforting about that? I get to say that there's too much to do, I'm so busy I have no time for friends, for self-care.  I burnout and I either quit or do inappropriate passive-aggressive behavior and nobody wins. That's how I flamed out November 2009.  Never again. So, what to do?  Well, grown-ups--the whole point of my blog, negotiate.  There are plum responsibilities: things we love to do and certainly, when those opportunities arise we should see if we can get to work on some of those.  Then there are things the organization needs, or the role we're in demands. ...

Some of us thrive in corporations.  In fact, I'm actively looking forward to joining a company again soon, and contributing to the thriving HR group in their Talent Management (or Learning & Development) function. And, I think companies do incredible good with their profits.  Many theaters, school programs, foundations and other amazing institutions have been majority funded by the surplus revenue of the Fortune 500. I've been reading some interesting books by Gary Vaynerchuk, Tamara Erickson, Dan Schawbel and Pamela Slim. They all seem to get to this crucial point: work in the last couple years is a new deal. As individuals, we need to discover our personal brand, our unique value proposition, the problem we solve for others, and manage our careers. This applies whether we're in large companies, start-ups, or venturing on our own.  In this new world of work, those who fail to do this, are in danger of self-destructing their careers. We are all essentially drivi...

What do you need? Financially, to live your life fully, what amount of money do you need to bring in?  Add up your monthly expenses.  Remember food is a big one, so maybe keep tabs for a week and multiply that out. What kind of life do you want to live?  Do you have an hour to play Scrabble with friends on Sunday?  Is there a day when the babysitter takes the kid(s) and you have play time for yourself? Does your work SUPPORT you in having the LIFE you want?  Or are you supporting work in having the success it demands? Think about it.  Then talk it over with someone close.

You want to think about today, what's your true north.  Where do you want to be in your life? [pause] Then, as that materializes, what do you want to let go from your life?  Spend 15 minutes doing the decluttering to let go of the stuff that's no longer meaningful, that drags you down. What actions might you take in the direction of your dreams?  Take 15 minutes and write some thoughts, or take some actions towards the vision.  Maybe research something about the vision on the internet.  Find a book that covers the topic and order it, or pick it up at the Strand Used Bookstore. You deserve a well-lived life.

Make sure you're prepared for your good luck. Ever heard the story of someone who won the lottery and then lost it all somehow?  Have plans now for good fortune.  Then when it comes you're ready to receive it. Ever hear someone say, "another day, another dollar."  Or what about the thought that Friday is the best day of the week?  Really, so what's our attitude about Monday, or Tuesday?  It seems to me that the attitude of just getting through the week is tainted with pushing away the good in our present moments. Try something different.  What's ONE thing about today that you're looking forward to?  Accomplishing this thing, or getting it started is something that will bring a sense of accomplishment or dare I say, joy today.  Give that focus and energy. Share that objective with co-workers or friends/family you come in contact with today when they say, "how are you?"  Or, "how's your day going?"  Remember, "it's ...

What's going well? Pick a couple things and focus on those today.  Is it your health?  Your relationship with family and friends who love you and support you?  Do you have enough to eat today? Then say thanks for what you've got.  Somehow that opens space for more good stuff to come in.  Just stay open for it: the abundant life, with worthwhile work, love and joy which is yours.

There are a million excuses. If none of them are legit, then keep going. Nike: Just Do It.

As far as job hunting goes, I feel like I've been through the darkest night.  After 3 months and almost 2 weeks, I started feeling completely lost.  I know what I'm capable of, I've performed well in the past, I have a clear vision of how I can powerfully help an organization succeed with proof of past success, and I've got degrees and whatnot.  I underestimated how jobless this recovery is.  I underestimated how many people are in this boat of no job, working hard to get one, and getting little to no results.  Maybe an interview here and there; mostly emailed responses from organizations who've gone in a different direction than me. It's so challenging to keep going forward. I did meet with a temp agency yesterday, and in my mind, I developed a flicker of hope.  And it's hope that forms the light to keep going.  So I'm officially dusted off and ready to go again.  Back into my routine of researching my target organizations, identifying t...

All work is never the answer.  Find a way to give yourself a break today. You're worth it. Today's all about self-care for me.  I've got to get to the answer about what's going on clearly so I'm going to ask for help today.

Wow.  I would never wish the level of pain I was in yesterday on anyone.  Honestly.  It was either gallstone, a strained stomach muscle, or kidney stone.  Ugh.  Thank the universe for pain medication, though I was just out of it all day.  Seems the pain is getting better.  It's the state of mind that pain puts me in that's unbearable more than anything. It reminds me of the pain of looking for work for 3 1/2 months, following all the steps I've outlined, and still, all there is to do is wait for this painful period to pass.  The figuring out of what direction to go in, where to focus energy, and ultimately just wanting this situation: joblessness, to go away. I did think of giving up, I confess.  I thought, if this is how it's to go, then that's that.  Let's go.  And yet, that was a small moment: for the most part I'm passionately fighting for a good life.  I did have a dark moment, and there was moaning and crying too...

I almost gave up today.  The pain was unbearable.  With a little help from my friends, we came up with solutions. And that's my simple thought for today.  When you can no longer keep going, get help.

In sales, they say you pitch a hundred times and most of the times you get a "no."  So it seems with job hunting.  Luckily, in job hunting you only need one "sale" to go through, and then you pause on "pitching" for a while. Although, that said, you're always building your network, and setting yourself up for the next step in your career.  You're keeping your marketing materials ready and you have a good interview suit in the closet.  You keep up on the latest in your industry and function, because that's just part of your day to day. And yet, pitching is something you do less frequently than salespeople in general.  So "no" feels a little more personal at times, than you'd like it to feel.  I've now applied for over 50 positions, some of which I thought I was ideal for.  Some I thought were a stretch (rejection on those hurts less) and many that I thought, "I've done exactly that already and it'll serve as a ...

Lead with a warm heart today.  If there's something that you want to get done and you think it's impossible, center yourself and go from one small step to another.  It's amazing what the momentum does to getting you going.  The proverbial rolling snowball effect. I gotta tell you, today, I wonder about how a job and I will find each other.  All I can do, is take the next action and trust that something bigger than me is in charge.  And that in charge being has my best interests in mind.  I've read all there is about the hunting process and I'm pretty much on target, and I've read success stories that come from this path, though sometimes it takes a while. So today, warm heart and persistent action.  Applied to several positions yesterday, and even started reaching out to the temp agencies.  Something's going to happen.  I know it will.  Income is necessary if I'm to avoid the fate of so many Americans around their homes and lives.

Be prepared to accept great things today, by being open, warm, relaxed and positive.  There is nothing that's the end of the world, until it's the end of the world and then there's little you can do about that.  Honestly.  Never take things personally, even if they have your name on it. It seems we go there to protect ourselves since we can easily say, "see I told you, it's the end of the world." What's the alternative?  Your heart gets broken over and over again.  You think you've done your best and it's rewarded differently than you'd hoped.  You're "good" and you feel like you get back "bad."  You got to the final two for a position and the recruiter says, "we've decided to proceed with another candidate."  I've been there many times and started to feel like there was a conspiracy against me with worldwide collusion.  Often, it's a crazy thought multiplied too well by my very creative and viv...

It's at the end of the road that we most believe. I think it's because by then, we prove our worst fears untrue. We realize that we had it in us afterall: to stay the course and make success out of what seemed complete failure. In fact, maybe we had nothing to do with it: good genes, great support systems, something bigger than us...we were carried on the wings of victory: the great job, the great mate, family, friends, home, health, etc. Regardless of how we won our past victories, the truth is that many of us doubt. We come up with very specific reasons why we think we'll fail. They seem like bankable truths, and yet we "hope against hope" that we will somehow get through. And in fact we put some effort into succeeding. We show up, we take actions, we half-heartedly believe. Notice how we "hope against" and what we're hoping against is itself. In fact, we've created our own inner oppositional forces, as if dealing with opposition from ...

This has almost everything I believe about the Job Hunt process, and it even helps those who want to stay in their current jobs and do some modification on how they work. Gen Y and Gen X folks, particularly those in Entertainment tend to really work well with me. I've worked in a big entertainment company in New York in Human Resources for over six years and helped many younger folks succeed through coaching. I also serve on the Alumni Council of my small liberal arts school alma mater. I have a career coaching group I lead in the evenings and I also career coach people one on one. Reach out at workwellgroups at gmail dot com to get more info if you'd like. Meantime, here's a summary of the job hunting steps I propose: 1. Do a SELF-ASSESSMENT of what you love to do, based on the stories in your life of times when you really enjoyed doing a service or working on a team. The patterns you discover in writing out these stories will help you identify what might be an ideal ca...

Sometimes giving up feels like the next step. And that's a moment for major pause. It's usually smart to hold off at least 24 hours before taking action on the "give up" impulse. This is when you call on your closest friends and family. It's time for an intervention. Giving up has major ramifications on your finances, your psychology and your health. So before you do that, please, call for emergency support. Consider yourself in the "red" zone. That said, sometimes the feeling is exactly right. There may be some major action that is suggested. However, doing it on your own is usually less effective, than getting some input from those who have YOUR best interests at heart. Organizations are poorly designed (as in DNA of an organization) to put your interests first. So the support you want to turn to here is outside the office. You also want to turn to industry/function network associates at this time as well. They might have a perspective on th...

Life is truly an adventure. Heartened by two stories yesterday of people finding jobs after periods of full-time unemployment/underemployment. One was out for 6 months, the other for almost a year. One diligently followed the steps, another enjoyed the time a little more. Both landed gigs. One person held out for a full-time offer, another converted a consulting role into a staff position. We can never be sure where the journey takes us. I just saw The Hurt Locker (and am also watching a provocative DVD called The Butch Factor). Both detail aspects of what it means to be a man. In one, there's a clear call to defend and protect American interests and ostensibly the 'free world.' The men take risks each day. They are never sure if their actions will have the desired reactions, and the negotiations with others are constantly fraught with chaos theory. It's an edge of the seat experience from start to finish. The other demands thoughtfulness about what it means ...

People piss us off. Take care, however, and never be one of the office gossips. Protect the work space from this toxic thread. If for some reason, it's difficult to face someone who you perceive as hurtful in some way, try these directions below instead. Ask a colleague or trusted friend out to breakfast before work, lunch, a "coffee" break, or after work drink. In private, outline the issue. Briefly share the context & the SPECIFIC behavior in question that's triggered your response. Outline YOUR response: the effect the behavior is having on you and your work. So it could go like this: "When Joe yells at me to come into his office, it feels demeaning. I feel often he's chewing me out about a minor detail I messed up on some report I gave him, yet everyone in the cubicles around me gets the impression that I'm screwing up my job. I feel like a loser and start to question my performance, when in all objective truth, I think I'm busting my ass and ...

If you've gotten bored with the stories you tell at the "water cooler..." Wait, does anyone actually do this? Do companies HAVE water coolers? If you get bored with what you're Facebooking, tweeting and blogging...then this is for you. I got to the point where I was bored with my own stories. And so I decided to tell new ones. I looked at the recurring thoughts and what I actually said, and how those thoughts and words led to actions. I was getting in my own way. So I redrafted the thoughts as they came up, and shifted the words around and noticed new actions. It's spiritual jijitsu. Taking the energy that comes up and redirecting it towards something positive. It's usually the direction you WANT to go in. I notice, for example, that the YELLING I do at myself was really because I wanted to inspire myself to take more action in a certain direction. I dropped the yelling part, and kept the motivational part. It works. Try it. And when I get stuck th...

The jobhunt takes time. What to do in that time is something to give thought. Block out a certain number of hours a day if possible. Or set aside specific time on your days off. In that time set aside, identify a general percentage to do certain tasks: 1. Some time should be set aside for live networking groups. 2. Time can be set aside to incorporate all the great ideas you have got over time for your marketing materials: resumes, cover letters, online footprint. 3. Be sure to set up and go on informational interviews. Try to meet folks live in their office spaces, or on the set. 4. Finally be sure to spend time reading up on the news at your target organizations, whether in the dailies, the journals or the blogs. Again, pace yourself. Be sure there is a sustainable model for you financially and psychologically as you go through the process of managing your career.

Personally, I'm back to square one: looking up listings and then seeing if I know anyone in the organization who can advocate for me with the recruiters. I'm also working on getting informationals with the potential hiring managers at my target companies. I'm expanding that group to include smaller companies as well, so that means reading the WSJ to see if there are new businesses that are doing the kind of work I'd enjoy and with cultural values that align with mine. The search continues. Looking forward to new hot leads and first interviews. The two that I got excited about so far in the last 3 months have gone to people who had better qualifications. Recruiters have been kind enough to call and let me know, and I've expressed my interest in future openings and will continue to check their sites for postings. NETWORKING Join organizations that align with your industry/function. There are for example organizations just for Human Resource Professionals, or fo...

Today, here's a summary of the 9 JobHunt Steps: 1. Do a SELF-ASSESSMENT of what you love to do, based on the stories in your life of times when you really enjoyed doing a service or working on a team. The patterns you discover in writing out these stories will help you identify what might be an ideal career for you. 2. Identify the INDUSTRY (Healthcare, Entertainment, Manufacturing, Retail, etc.) and FUNCTION (Sales, Product Development, Administration, etc.) that most aligns with your favorite things to do. Think about the subjects you're interested in and what you like to do with those subjects. 3. Identify the ORGANIZATIONS that would be great fits for you. Think about good work locations for you (are you willing to move?), company size, industries that are hiring, companies that are doing well (or relatively well?), look at the company culture, benefits, the other things that are important to you. 4. Identify PEOPLE in your network who are working in those organizati...

In our overworked worlds we've a list of things to do. Some are self-generated (draft proposal for new work idea), others are the daily sort (check emails), and yet others are generated from the outside (client requests, supervisor delegation, all hands on deck meeting). Some of us get back to our desks and have trouble identifying how to divide the little time we have for actions each day. Try these: 1. Organize a list of the things to do (an electronical list, rather than a written one, is easier to manipulate and track over time. Most programs like Outlook have "Task Lists.") 2. Put a couple easy wins that can get you moving on top (a couple 5 minute tasks) 3. What's got to get done today? Put that next. 4. Anything that can wait until next week? Tag a date and move that forward. Sometimes I'll block time on the calendar for a future date with the task in as the appointment. 5. Is EVERYTHING due today? Then it's time to talk with stakeholders to ...