Becoming a Gay Adult

After 6 years of service on Colgate's Alumni Council, I "retired" yesterday. It's amazing what I learned by attending the meetings on campus 3 times each year. Watching the college grow stronger over time is amazing. Hearing what each part of the university does to build the total picture--sometimes completely overwhelming. My favorite work was with the students and younger alumni. They taught me with their optimism and their curiosity about others and life. We shared our life experiences to help them make their next right choices. We built on the Real World program and added the Maroon Advantage. As alumni we built our own networking skills, raising Colgate's "hello" tradition to new heights. I'll miss this service so much, that I'm already identifying ways I can continue to stay connected and give back to a "place" which feels more and more to be a family home. My learning: invest in a place and its people and notice how that a...

It's amazing what the sunlight does to the cold. And it's unbelievable how dark it gets at night--thank all that's good for the moonlight. And this full moon is closser and brighter. We need that metaphor to take us through this dark age. I think we're all affected by the winter of discontent. And we are also affected by these dark days in Libya and Egypt: northern Africa. We're still coming out of a recession. We still have the bank issue--it's just been crisis averted for now. If we're awake and alert, we're all scared straight (pardon the awful pun). So how do we believe in anything, even as the earth's tilt into spring, and the budding of flowers tell us that the seasons are somewhat intact? I'm still gratefully naive enough to continue to believe in the sun. It still rises every day. We still tilt closer to it after winter and warm. The moon still shines brightly in the dark night. Though tsunamis destroy thousands of lives, and cr...

Real World Weekend at Colgate is one of my favorite weekends of the year. I get to see some of my favorite people from the Class of 1991. And I spend time with the professors, staff and administrators who most influenced my learning and development at Colgate and after Colgate. I literally grew up and continue to develop as a result of my relationship with alma mater. People often tell me they have no idea what they want to do when they grow up. I've struggled with that for decades myself. I'd encourage you to be deliberate about your own career exploration throughout your time at Colgate. As early as your first year, start a career notebook separate from your other notebooks and diaries (if you keep such things), and of course you could store this career journal in a vlog, blog or twitterfeed. Your call. You are documenting what you enjoy and what feels unnecessarily challenging. For example, I had a really hard time with Statistics, but I was a Math Majo...

You know, there are perks to writing a musical. Singing is speaking multiplied. Taking deeper breaths increases the oxygen in the lungs. And what you sing is more believed than what you say. People remember it better than spoken word because there is music to go with the language. So I support https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/858783783/the-perks-of-writing-a-musical . It's the vision of someone I've got to know over the years. I support Tom because he's doing what I often write about: stepping into his dreams. He came up with an idea of a project he would really feel fulfilled bringing to life. He's figuring out how to do this project within his means and he's gathering others to join him in making it real. There's great humility in asking others to join your idea. It is a measure of self esteem to be that brave. And so I dedicate this post to Tom Diggs and all those brave enough to put their baby visions out in the world and to ask a...

I think loving life is important. This is about having a love affair with your own life. One way to do that is through food that's healthy and fun. If you're a smoothie person, try this one I discovered today: Quarter of a Cucumber (with skin) Half an Apple (I used a Gala apple, with skin) A tablespoon of fresh squeezed Lemon 1/4 cup of cold water 1/2 cup cold crushed Pineapple Blend. So yummy! Makes you think of summer and lemonade, while filling you up with yummy calories and fiber! By the way, I've also put crushed mint leaves and cut up cucumbers in water to soak overnight: so delicious and refreshing. Eat and drink well, to live well.

Maybe we've become the little Dutch boy who tried to stay awake and plug every leaking hole in the dykes. And we all know what happened to the Dutch empire. The world has always been in chaos: the illusion of control is seductive and compelling. However, there is a difference from what we study in biology and geology and the "apparent" laws of nature which we sometimes believe govern (see Copernicus). There is something bigger and we have to honor that. What we learn in our dialogue witht he earth and its people, is the will of that which truly pushes the daises up from the earth, and moves the ocean, the tectonic plates and twinkles the stars. We must govern ourselves, look up and treat others with honestry, justice (as best we know it), and compassion. And so as I become more adult, I begin this process internally, which makes me a better citizen of the planet. And so I become more useful in my relationships. I'm moved to send thoughts to Egypt and the people ...

Undergraduate college years are powerful. Colgate University shaped my life and influences who I am at work. At each company, I've tried to find the other 'gaters. It makes for a sense of family beyond the days life seemed so much simpler and our loyalty to each other was unshakeable. When we played other schools in sports, we were all cheering for the same team. We had our internal rivalries, fraternities/sororities, special interest houses, race, class...a microcosm of society, and yet we worked hard and we played hard together and it's almost impossible to ignore someone else in New York City wearing Colgate gear. You almost have to say hello. It was wonderful spending a few days up there, connecting with the administration and the students. There is as the new president emphasizes, a sense of place there. It grounds us as we forge ahead in our varying careers. It serves as a shaping of thought and ideal center: the place we discovered...

So far so good on the staying still concept. I tell you, life moves fast. And my commitment this year is to breathe. Still.

there's a distinct anti-new year's day resolution movement. the idea is that resolutions set you up to fail, or that one should live a life that you're proud of all year long. that's nice. and i do that. however, there is something about setting goals and measuring success against them that ignites the human spirit in a different way than just letting life happen. there is a way to use resolutions to punish myself and do more harm than good. we all know that. there is also a middle place where we "aim for the moon" and land among the stars to paraphrase W. Clement Stone's oft-quoted thought. i like starry skies so i'll take the time today to reflect on the year past, assess what went well and identify what i'd like to do differently. then i can adjust my aims in 2011 and i even allow myself flexibility during the year. yes, this day is arbitrary, and in fact was never always the "first" day of the year. it does however serve in ma...

We've all had our moments defying reason: and the New Yorkers (including me) who braved going to work are intrepid. There's good and crazy about that. Hardly will comment on that balance. However, I have to say there was some glee in jumping around in blizzard snowdrifts up to my calves, and seeing the fortitude in the faces of those who brave wild snow falls. It's defying gravity. Had a good workout, then hit the deck early at work to do a one-two punch at the things that needed doing. I was spent after the trek home, for some nosh and reflection, and possibly some entertainment while listening to the wind blow snow up the walls outside and shape ice designs in swirling landscapes of white. You have to give Nature her due: she is mighty. Live Well in Balance with Nature.

Most times, people avoid kids on flights. For some reason I sat beside this tyke on the plane, his mom had another younger one who needed lots of attention and somehow I became Dad for a plane trip. And, I had the most amazing time. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child, makes the world intensely magical. He was so excited about everything. When I read him the story books about animals and letters, he was so happy and alive. Letters...who gets excited about the letters of the alphabet, or the button that turns on the reading light on the plane? Kids do. And I noticed in my "adult mode" that I take almost everything for granted. So for an hour I was five again with this kid I'd never met before and we had a blast. I am home and all the lights, and things that click seem more magical. His enthusiasm and passion for life are with me now. I think work will be more fun on Monday, than it would have been had I never met this kid. So here's to kids: may their ...

The angels said to the shepherds, "be of courage. Tonight is born a King." There's something in there about the journey from boy to man in the story. There's something about the journey from dark to light--shortest day of the year to summer. As we set goals at work in our performance reviews, as we revisit our families of origin... As we build our families of choice, this is a time of year for reflection. What went well, what would I change? It is time to call upon support--the darker the days, the more help we need and DESERVE. Call dear friends. Acknowledge those who have been of greatest support this year. The gift of saying, "thank you" thoughtfully is worth diamonds and other expensive things we feel obliged to purchase and wrap and send. Focus most on the thought behind the giving, rather than the thing, especially if to do so stretches an already tight spending plan. Focus on the spirit behind the gratitude. People will feel that more: it'...

I just met a professional organizer. What struck me most about her is her PASSION for what she does. If you can find a thing to do in life that wakes you up when you talk about it: that's when you know you're doing the right thing in building your career. I've rarely seen that in others. Most people seem to satisfice around their careers. So, probably my first 'endorsement' goes to Dara Finkel at http://www.spacialharmony.com/ . Check out the site (an organizational beauty in of itself), and reach out if you're challenged with ineffective home or office spaces. Just looking at the before and after shots on her site encourages me to tackle end of year through 2011, reducing my clutter-enabled ineffectiveness. Yet one more step towards growing up and being the man I want to be in the world. Go Dara!

After a delicious dinner, singing along with Annie Lennox's new fab Christmas Album and dancing to older Annie in my living room, I'm settling in for requisite couch time. It's been a blessed day. I'm grateful for my supervisor, my co-workers, the company with which I work. I'm enjoying work because of them. I'm grateful for the colleagues who've trusted me with their concerns: they've allowed me many opportunities to show my value in the office. I'm grateful for my growth and development, my willingness to engage in the process of becoming the best gay adult Black man I can be on earth. I get feedback that I have positive impact on others. I'm grateful for the deep connections I have with my godson, family members, friends, mentors and mentees. My home feels blessed, my health has been touched by angels: I move with grace and ease and I love what I see in the mirror (inside and out), and my connection with something bigger than myself feel...

I'm paying it forward today. Got up for the run for those shut in and who struggle to feed themselves. I've been given gifts of mentoring, opportunity, protection, health and guidance from something bigger than myself. Without those gifts, I'd be shut in and in need of the help that God's Love We Deliver gives. So I'm doing something for them. It warms my heart and keeps me humble.

I overdo. Period. Ugh. So identifying the right actions to take is the name of the game. There are 24 hours in a day: go. It's the other tough thing for me to exercise right now. First moderation in eating (especially late night sugar, which just jacks up my systems). Second, next right action. What's the next right thing to do? Sometimes, it's listen. Sometimes it's breathe. Sometimes is fast twitch muscle activate and execute. Rarely though, is a successful day a frenetic marathon of action. I've developed a bad habit of ruthless checking the box. It's time to let it go. Even at the gym, I've been advised to select quality exercises, do less repetitions and feel the burn anyway. Most importantly, it was suggested I'd get better results. Even there, my fast-paced, BRING IT, do it all mentality fails. Ugh. Slow it down, focus on FORM and breathe. Work well.

I was 11 when I figured out that I wanted to be more thoughtful around 3 things. And at 41 I'm still thinking about those 3 things. Mysterious, I know. For the next 10 days, I'm going to dive into action about them. And I'll reflect afterwards about how I did. What have you always thought about making change around in your life? What can YOU do for 10 days about those things? Today, and over the last couple days, I've been reminded that I do have impact by the way I LIVE my life. It's humbling, and I'm grateful. I want to step up my game. Correction: I'm stepping up my game so I can be of service by example.

The A-list is Gossip Girl for gays: a frothy eclair for turning the brain off. And yet, in response to some who'd analyze it, I think there's something to say for the underbelly of distorted personalities depicted. I say it's a collective call for us to get better as a community in the way we tell our stories and treat each other, now that we've got some stuff. We've had a fiery time forging our identities in a world that can be hostile. The jaw-dropping cruelty (beyond dangerous liaisons) depicted during the A-list episodes borders on farce, and yet, I'd challenge us to notice that the farce is only a smidgen heightened for dramatic effect in the circles some of us aspire to enter. The face: one of utter disdain betraying no vulnerability or hurt and the collection of humans as figurines to decorate our coffee tables and scream, "I belong here," damage more than the pin prick to keep our lips supple, taut and puckered. The other places that we are cre...

This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Simple sugars are the thing to hurdle. I use them to moderate my feelings. I wanted what I wanted today, and I failed to get it: it could be anything on any given day: I just like getting what I want. And the soothe, the mother's milk is to suck on some chocolate. A good donut, or slice of cake, pie, there are other vague approximations that work too. And gay men (the ultimate sufferers of body dysmorphia) should never be told their body fat percentage. What does that 10% number MEAN anyway? It drives me to chocolate biscotti and drinking ginger beer while obsessing about the 18g of sugar in the ginger beer. What does this have to do with anything work related? Well, everything: I have to navigate an intense work day of hurdles, requests, concerns, and then in the midst, feed myself. I want to be thoughtful about the fuel I put in the engine. When sugar seems to be a comfort it challenges the very systems it's meant to soothe:...

I think time away from work is crucial to work effectiveness. Whether it's a break in the day, or a couple days away from work entirely (plus the weekend), this is time to put work into perspective and engage in the things that enrich a life. I'm cooking some carrot soup for dinner, and warming up some chicken and rice (leftovers) for lunch at home. I'm enjoying the fall leaves outside my home. I ran a couple errands. It's just calming me to have home cooked smells and the view from my window ease into my consciousness amidst reflections of what's really important. A friend of my mother's just died. An acquaintance my age has recently died as well. My cousin just got married. As I sit and reflect in peaceful quiet, it occurs to me that I want to be a kind person. I want to be thoughtful and present in my life, because I have no idea if it will end quickly now, or later. These types of reflections influence how I show up at work in a day or two when paid ti...