Becoming a Gay Adult

I was the one with those infernal brag sheets--sending a dossier of annual achievements to all my "friends." I'm glad I stopped doing that. I was also that "friend" who called everyone on my phone list year-end (I guess now that would be all the people in my cell phone), to wish them holiday greetings. It would take HOURS! Now I've learned that I can only be close to a select few. And they know I love them because we're in contact all through the year. This is the time of bonus envy too. Who failed to get promoted can feel outrageously offended. How do we measure success, or the viability of a life? The number of friends, the salary number, the title, the progression of a career? What about our health, the number of people who may come visit us in the hospital should we ever take ill, the things that will be said at our funeral, the way people feel around us, the service we gave to others? This is a great time for reflection on what really matt

After looking back at the year, think about 2012. I will be guided by "The Power of Less," The Fine Art of Limiting Yourself to the Essential by Leo Babauta. My goal for 2012 -- to allow myself to enjoy my simply abundant, rich life. For so many years I suffered from the mythology that I was supposed to earn more, be more, do more, live richer, than I do. I've had painful work experiences out of balance with the rest of my life, debt and dis-ease as a result. 1. There is more and more data to suggest the American Dream is now the American Horror Story if we strive for it without thoughtful self reflection and objectivity. The home outside our means today--that alone has become a simple reminder to reduce our projection of future income, and live on our cash in hand. 2. In America, workers spend some of the lowest number of days away from work of other similar countries, and we typically work more hours. Given the limited number of days per hour, it probably also

Home stretch. Finalize your annual review: both one for personal and for work. Set your plans for the remaining holiday time. Even if it's your default plan of spending time with your family of origin, review past times and decide how you want to navigate those gatherings in healthier ways. You might need to set some boundaries for yourself or with others. Some people stay at a nearby bed and breakfast or hotel, to give space and somewhere to go when things get a little out of hand. We all hopefully find ways to still love our families and yet many of us find family trying at times. It helps to have some space to breathe. Some folks find support systems near where they travel---there are tons of them, or networks of friends who can provide perspective and processing. So look them up and make a plan to spend time in spaces and with people who can help you stay grounded at this time. They call it the nuclear family for a reason: the reactivity within families can be ginormous

'tis the season. Yes, you must watch what you wear. Yes, please make an appearance. Yes, walk in with your team if you can to show team spirit. Yes, please walk around the party and avoid just hiding in a corner with the people you know. You will certainly bring your business cards to hand out to the new business acquaintances you'll make and schedule time to meet them in the new year. This is a most wonderful networking opportunity. And yes, leave before it gets messy. That said--- Yes, you will avoid being the talk of the party the day after. That means you'll save your signature dance moves for your friends and family party later that night or that weekend. Yes, you will demur dancing closely with folks at work. Yes, you'll avoid the holiday party hook-up---can we say "awkward" the day after? Yes, you will eat politely and avoid standing by the fruit/cheese/pigs in a blanket platter. In other words, yes, they're all watching---your boss, boss

It's that time of year again. Just a reminder to draft what you want 2012 to be for you personally and professionally. Maybe start with drafting your personal goals. And run those by the important people in your life: start with mentors, (rather than your life partner--they are too close to you for you to get the best feedback or to stomach the churn your thoughts about going forward might be), friends, and then check in with your partner. See what that might mean on the work front. Then draft work goals for yourself for 2012 and run those through your people too. THEN, you devise a work appropriate tool with which to share your ideas and thoughts and get your manager's feedback. At work you might even want to run your ideas by a work mentor before you approach your supervisor. A mentor can give you suggestions on HOW to present your ideas for the best outcomes: a fulfilling conversation, and brainstorming about solutions that work for you AND the organization. Try to

One of the greatest ways to welcome more abundance in your life is to give thanks. Just that simple act helps you to realize you ALREADY have more than you sometimes think you have. The air we breathe, the ability to walk, to ride a bike, to be with loved ones, to sleep soundly--these are luxuries some in Cairo, Bangladesh, inner city New York, have so little of that they cry themselves to bed, if they can find one. We must express our gratitude. These holiday times may seem sparse compared to others in our past, and yet many of us have more than we really need. So we can take some time too to give to others. A hug, a smile, a kind word as we bustle through these shorter, cold days in the northeast can bestow abundance on others. Remember your mentors, and those who supported you through the year. Send them a text, an email, a card. Let them know you appreciate them. And take time for yourself in the quiet to write down what has made your life rich this year. Then notice how yo

One of the most important things in life is family. It is the foundation of a powerful career. Period. So I prescribe that you spend some quality time with your family during the Bermuda Triangle of Thanksgiving Dec 25 time and New Year's. It seems to me that several cultures have major holidays during this Northern spell of shorter and colder days. It's a time for reflection on the year past, an evaluation of the past harvest --- a taking inventory and conversation with key stakeholders about our performance. The most important performance evaluation is "who am I in the world and what was my impact on others?" "Am I going in the direction aligned with the very best of me and am I interacting in a way with others that brings out the very best in them?" Then, from that foundation, review the work objectives and accomplishments. And gauge what the way ahead is given what family needs. Without family, a career is build on a shaky foundation. Now, esp

Mental clutter is the bain of a successful career. It's what distracts you from your primary purpose as you busily get things done. You suddenly look up and it's November 12th or something and you wonder where the year went and why as it's Thanksgiving, you're thinking of what to give thanks for. The design of a year's action plan ought to have enough buffer to allow life's random form to take place. And yet it should move forward in a way that serves your personal growth and development in ways that authentically align with your purpose on earth. What you feel connects you to truth is worth holding onto as a rudder for life. Evenso, after chats with Mother, I've also learned that values must be pliable enough to flex to new knowledge you gain as you travel. There's nothing more foolhardy than holding on to old beliefs that no longer serve you. I think it's suicidal. That means, that you do the work of self introspection. That delicate work of jo

There are those who say that the holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day are the Bermuda Triangle. It seems appropriate on Diwali to make some plans for this great time of year. Days are shorter, triggering SAD: seasonal affective disorder and getting folks excited about vacations to Key West and places warm and sunny. Now is the time to write down the names of those who inspire our gratitude and to think about how you might thank them this year. It could be as simple as a card, a call, a brief visit to have a cup of tea. It's the thoughtfulness of the interaction that we most remember, rather than the cost or value of the gift. Beyond being the right human thing to do, this is the time to reach out to mentors and your support network so that you make the choices that are most in line with who you want to be. There's a lot more alchohol and free sugar around this time of year. And people can get lonely too: so add a little more dash of thoughtfulness and su

It's a curious thing that I've never contemplated or covered how we weave our family relationships into our work lives. So allow me a pit stop there. It's complicated. We all say "family comes first." And yet, does it really? Many of us have parents who made sure there was food to eat and shelter. To do that, they had to be absent sometimes during what were critical moments of our lives. Today's career hungry strategist has made the choice to miss even more of those family moments to gain the next promotion, to jostle to the top, to make the mark, to meet the deadline. I'd be inauthentic in saying I have a model sense around balancing this critical work-related challenge. How do you balance being a responsible, kind, supportive and appropriate family member, while honoring work responsibilities and building a successful career? The answer is completely individual, I suppose, and depends on the level of responsibility assumed at work AND at home. Comm

Some weeks are just challenging emotionally, psychologically and in the amount of things to do. Self-care becomes critical at those times: sleep, nutrition, connection with loved ones, especially my mentors, and exercise. I've paid some extra attention to those areas and it really helps me to stay grounded. I also am challenged to look deeper at what value I put on these areas outside the realm of emergency need. There is a lot of talk of death around me--and it makes me value my life so much more. I value that I woke up, that my body works well, that I have the emotional and psychological wherewithal to move forward into the day with energy and excitement, that I have a nice home, a wonderful partner (new as this is), and work that I love to do. I'm glad I look forward to a couple more decades to save towards a time when I can do service, slow down the work pace and enjoy an even greater quality of life in my 60s. So instead of griping about what I have less of, I'm

From time to time, take a look at your work habits. Look at the day: is there a time of day that's most challenging? For me there's that blood sugar drop at 3pm: it seems the solution is a Snickers Bar, or Green and Black's. As I look closer, it's the time of day when I hit the wall. I realize around 3pm that what I set out to do and what's going to happen today is vastly different. Projects are behind schedule, chocolate is the answer. That's as crazy as the idea that throwing more time and energy at the projects, even as simple a project as decluttering my desk and files, will solve the challenge. The answer I'm learning is more collaborative work with the team. And that's going to kick my ass to work on: yet there it is. Look at the week--are there more challenging times of the week than others? I've solved my Monday woe that really started on Sunday. It used to be that I lived for Fridays and chastised Mondays. The trick to even out the wee

Defiance is foolish. Storms rage change on a massive scale. When we get the memo on these things; information overloaded as we are, we must pay attention. The blithe type A New Yorker in us, would love to dismiss seismic dissonance as a blip on the radar of success and our drive to achievement of career goals, however, this Irene is a full stop: a period in the angling towards promotions and new positions and networking. Pause: assess the things that matter and keep them as safe as possible. Follow the preparedness suggestions with the same diligence as an exact spreadsheet for your boss. This is your life; not some checkbox to fill out. And take the time in the quiet of the storm to assess the damage before barrelling back into the fray of work. Check on loved ones. Listen to the tension in your own body: do yoga, go for a run, shake off the effects of the agitated preparation, the wait, the held breath, the experience. Breathe into what happened, note the learnings and THEN move

The lessons we learned as kids during summer camp and vacations apply to us as adults. We need the respite to keep our saw sharp, our intuition alive and our emotional centeredness. We can reclaim our delight in life when we take breaks. So it is essential to use the days off we can use during the warm months especially if we live in the northeast Americas. The truth is that work just keeps piling up and there's always more to do. It is even tempting to check devices on the beach, however, we really do need to tune out of the things to do and tune into ourselves for truly healthy careers. It's a marathon, our lives, not a sprint. And so today is one of those days: I went to the beach, rode the Wantagh Parkway Bike Trail, had a delicious slow lunch and am "chilling" at my pad. It feels so wicked good. Live well.

Journal each day first thing in the morning when you get out of bed. See Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way" for even more morning practice ideas. For now, just get up 5 minutes earlier than you need to, in order to get to work. Write out for 5 minutes long hand in a journal with the date at the top of the page: "What I Want for my Life". Just keep writing each day: it can be bullet points, it can be a story, it can be your anger, just write every day. And then review it with a friend or trusted mentor. Come up with some clear statements about what you desire. It's interesting to talk with someone else about how you can move towards that. When I think about what I want for my life, I consider a couple things: what is it that God is calling me to do? what are the things that have come to me easily in my life? what have others given me feedback about that was valuable to them that I contributed? how can I turn these things into a career that helps me m

It seems more and more of us are experiencing days when work just seems to explode. It's either that it just comes at us faster and harder, or that there's that one issue that becomes so much more than in needed to be. And there's this constant balancing act between nurturing the relationships and checking of the "done" box on the "to do" list. And the bigger picture of why you do what you do in the world seems to fade away. Take some time to remind yourself of your bigger purpose. Take a deep breath and exhale. Identify one thing that's the most important for tomorrow to feel successful. Ask what you need to do to protect that success. This becomes an anchor to get you to rest tonight, and to get excited again to get back in the game tomorrow. The other thing is to ask yourself during dinner, or a walk in the rain, along the beach, what you need to help you succeed. It may be impossible to get this resource even this year, but what could help

A career is a tender thing. Derailing is so easy and yet a few basic steps can help you stay on the right path. These are the things on which I'm focusing: 1. Sleep. Work to get myself to bed on time as much as possible with an aim to getting 7-8 hours. 2. Nutrition. Of course the 3pm cookie seems to be the only solution to the stress, however, the roller coaster it takes the body on can cost a fortune later. Better to bring the carrots and have them handy. 3. Networking. The work on the desk is critical. The people I know in my industry who do my function and their managers in other companies are invaluable. The lunches, breakfasts and associations are critical to building a career. People hire people they know, and the current job is no guarantee of career development or continuance. 4. Breaks. Whether it's a bathroom break or a well deserved couple of days off, take them. The pause allows the muscles that have become taught in doing to relax and repair, become more effe

Every once in a while, just for kicks, take a blank piece of paper and write out your ideal next job. Keep all the things you do now that you love, drop the things you're less good at or have mastered and want to let go, and fill the remaining space with stretch tasks and goals. Then write out the names of people who have your ideal job. Make a plan to reach out to them and have a 15 to 20 minute coffee break with them over the next month. Find out what it would take for you to get to the next job that's right for you. Do you need to ask for a stretch assignment? Would you be willing to make some time outside work hours to work on a related project with a mentor? Maybe do some volunteering in line with the new vision work? I suggest that you create a plan and list the milestones. It will amazing you in December how much closer you are to your vision, if you're just a little deliberate about it. Once you've created a plan for yourself, ask a friend to keep you acco

Time and again I think it's a great idea to reunite with those we learned life's powerful lessons. In the time between we go in different directions. It's a guidepost to rejoin and reflect on the years past. Lauren, Neva, Dana and I chatted at Rusch's last night and it was as if the past 20 years melted away. AND yet we'd had a lifetime inbetween as well. It's a little surreal and I'm reeling from the effect. Humans. We gain from our life experiences. It's wild that I scoffed at wisdom when I was 20, and thought I knew it all. Looking at my classmates, maps on their faces, I'd never give that wisdom up now for money or fame--it's what makes life rich. I know I see through more grounded eyes, and feel with a more potent compassion. We in the Class of 1991 see more, feel more and frankly I believe enjoy more. Those here for their fifth reunion are in a different place. And there is for all of us, vulnerability in revisiting this place that

A career is enhanced by being thoughtful. Find time to pause during the day to evaluate the effectiveness of actions taken. That's what we used to do back then when we took lunch. It was an opportunity to debrief the morning, often with colleagues, and then to effectively address the core concerns in the afternoon. We've lost lunch, so what are other ways to induce this pause. Find a water cooler moment to check in with someone else--be deliberate. Go beyond "nice day out," and "how was the weekend," and introduce, if only for yourself, a moment to reflect on "how busy" it is today and one "adjustment" you might make today to ease the stress so it's channeled well instead of over-running you. Will you breathe before returning that voicemail? Will you count silently while the client berates and demands, maybe even curses and ask the person to bring the tone down to a professional level so you can address their concerns? Will you

You know, I'm on the tail end of a very stressful project. It's all work I love. In fact, I muse over the fact that pretty much everything in my life is what I want, just stressful in that positive stress. I want to do and be more of what I am and it's hard to do that when there are 24 hours and I'm getting older. Hard to believe I'm past 40. When did that happen? I love the work I do, the people I do it with. I had some fun time with my brother and it made me realize how lucky I am to have a great family (which I took for granted for so long.) I love this city and living in it. Had the joy of cycling 15 miles to and from work today. It's eerie how many things in my life feel just right. And it's spring: life awakens and tickles me nose. Yes, allergies, and yet I'd never trade the beauty of this season. Let the pollen flow.

After 6 years of service on Colgate's Alumni Council, I "retired" yesterday. It's amazing what I learned by attending the meetings on campus 3 times each year. Watching the college grow stronger over time is amazing. Hearing what each part of the university does to build the total picture--sometimes completely overwhelming. My favorite work was with the students and younger alumni. They taught me with their optimism and their curiosity about others and life. We shared our life experiences to help them make their next right choices. We built on the Real World program and added the Maroon Advantage. As alumni we built our own networking skills, raising Colgate's "hello" tradition to new heights. I'll miss this service so much, that I'm already identifying ways I can continue to stay connected and give back to a "place" which feels more and more to be a family home. My learning: invest in a place and its people and notice how that a

It's amazing what the sunlight does to the cold. And it's unbelievable how dark it gets at night--thank all that's good for the moonlight. And this full moon is closser and brighter. We need that metaphor to take us through this dark age. I think we're all affected by the winter of discontent. And we are also affected by these dark days in Libya and Egypt: northern Africa. We're still coming out of a recession. We still have the bank issue--it's just been crisis averted for now. If we're awake and alert, we're all scared straight (pardon the awful pun). So how do we believe in anything, even as the earth's tilt into spring, and the budding of flowers tell us that the seasons are somewhat intact? I'm still gratefully naive enough to continue to believe in the sun. It still rises every day. We still tilt closer to it after winter and warm. The moon still shines brightly in the dark night. Though tsunamis destroy thousands of lives, and cr

Real World Weekend at Colgate is one of my favorite weekends of the year. I get to see some of my favorite people from the Class of 1991. And I spend time with the professors, staff and administrators who most influenced my learning and development at Colgate and after Colgate. I literally grew up and continue to develop as a result of my relationship with alma mater. People often tell me they have no idea what they want to do when they grow up. I've struggled with that for decades myself. I'd encourage you to be deliberate about your own career exploration throughout your time at Colgate. As early as your first year, start a career notebook separate from your other notebooks and diaries (if you keep such things), and of course you could store this career journal in a vlog, blog or twitterfeed. Your call. You are documenting what you enjoy and what feels unnecessarily challenging. For example, I had a really hard time with Statistics, but I was a Math Major. I loved Abstr

You know, there are perks to writing a musical. Singing is speaking multiplied. Taking deeper breaths increases the oxygen in the lungs. And what you sing is more believed than what you say. People remember it better than spoken word because there is music to go with the language. So I support https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/858783783/the-perks-of-writing-a-musical . It's the vision of someone I've got to know over the years. I support Tom because he's doing what I often write about: stepping into his dreams. He came up with an idea of a project he would really feel fulfilled bringing to life. He's figuring out how to do this project within his means and he's gathering others to join him in making it real. There's great humility in asking others to join your idea. It is a measure of self esteem to be that brave. And so I dedicate this post to Tom Diggs and all those brave enough to put their baby visions out in the world and to ask a community to join t

I think loving life is important. This is about having a love affair with your own life. One way to do that is through food that's healthy and fun. If you're a smoothie person, try this one I discovered today: Quarter of a Cucumber (with skin) Half an Apple (I used a Gala apple, with skin) A tablespoon of fresh squeezed Lemon 1/4 cup of cold water 1/2 cup cold crushed Pineapple Blend. So yummy! Makes you think of summer and lemonade, while filling you up with yummy calories and fiber! By the way, I've also put crushed mint leaves and cut up cucumbers in water to soak overnight: so delicious and refreshing. Eat and drink well, to live well.

Maybe we've become the little Dutch boy who tried to stay awake and plug every leaking hole in the dykes. And we all know what happened to the Dutch empire. The world has always been in chaos: the illusion of control is seductive and compelling. However, there is a difference from what we study in biology and geology and the "apparent" laws of nature which we sometimes believe govern (see Copernicus). There is something bigger and we have to honor that. What we learn in our dialogue witht he earth and its people, is the will of that which truly pushes the daises up from the earth, and moves the ocean, the tectonic plates and twinkles the stars. We must govern ourselves, look up and treat others with honestry, justice (as best we know it), and compassion. And so as I become more adult, I begin this process internally, which makes me a better citizen of the planet. And so I become more useful in my relationships. I'm moved to send thoughts to Egypt and the people

Undergraduate college years are powerful. Colgate University shaped my life and influences who I am at work. At each company, I've tried to find the other 'gaters. It makes for a sense of family beyond the days life seemed so much simpler and our loyalty to each other was unshakeable. When we played other schools in sports, we were all cheering for the same team. We had our internal rivalries, fraternities/sororities, special interest houses, race, class...a microcosm of society, and yet we worked hard and we played hard together and it's almost impossible to ignore someone else in New York City wearing Colgate gear. You almost have to say hello. It was wonderful spending a few days up there, connecting with the administration and the students. There is as the new president emphasizes, a sense of place there. It grounds us as we forge ahead in our varying careers. It serves as a shaping of thought and ideal center: the place we discovered our individual values: a combin

So far so good on the staying still concept. I tell you, life moves fast. And my commitment this year is to breathe. Still.

there's a distinct anti-new year's day resolution movement. the idea is that resolutions set you up to fail, or that one should live a life that you're proud of all year long. that's nice. and i do that. however, there is something about setting goals and measuring success against them that ignites the human spirit in a different way than just letting life happen. there is a way to use resolutions to punish myself and do more harm than good. we all know that. there is also a middle place where we "aim for the moon" and land among the stars to paraphrase W. Clement Stone's oft-quoted thought. i like starry skies so i'll take the time today to reflect on the year past, assess what went well and identify what i'd like to do differently. then i can adjust my aims in 2011 and i even allow myself flexibility during the year. yes, this day is arbitrary, and in fact was never always the "first" day of the year. it does however serve in ma