Becoming a Gay Adult

I admit:  I have poor negotiation skills. Over the next couple of days, I'm going to have to ask for what I want and it's very challenging.  I have to be honest because that's the basis of a true relationship. I feel good that I've left behind the ideas that "the man" is out to get me.  That is false.  It's a good story; just a lie.  The truth is, I sign up for stuff, and then get upset that it's different than I want it to be. Negotiation means I'm honest and up front about my needs, desires and dreams.  I give the other person (or organization) a chance to state their boundaries and hopes for our relationship.  And then we both think about how we can meet each other in a place where we're both honored, and feel we can work together.  There is a resulting sense of fairplay.  That's what I'm aiming for today in my conversations. 1. Sharing honestly. 2. Asking probing questions to understand the other party. 3. Coming to a mutu...

It's NYC.  So the pace is fast. Learning to pace myself.  Breathe today.

I believe that as stressed as I feel now, with a million competing priorities, I can navigate the day with grace and ease.  What I get done today is the essential part.  The rest I give to something greater than me.  I pay attention to my system resources and give only what is sustainable to give.  Then I rest and recharge. Happy Hunting.  Happy Working Well.

There's a lot going on at once. Spent time with the nuclear family this past weekend.  Flew to Florida and back.  Then time with just my brother and his girlfriend two nights in a row here in the city: my friends to meet him and his lovely girlfriend, and night #2 to meet his friend.  I've been getting 4 hours of sleep since I "have to" go to the gym at 6:30am before work.  And work's been full. And I'm seeing if there are full-time opportunities as well. I'm feeling over-stretched.  So how do I manage today? I breathe, thoughtfully, and do the next right thing.  As always, work feels like there are a million things I could do to help.  I am human and a reasonable work day is maximum 10 hours.  After that, I'm useless.  And that's unsustainable.  Gotta pace myself. Infinite world, finite beings.

Show up for each day with a sense of adventure and bring your flexibility. It's why I stretch in the morning at the gym.  Sure my body gets a workout.  My mind too starts wrapping around ideas in a more resilient way. Find your own way to wake yourself to possibilities.

Travelling brings it's travails. I tried to take good care of myself, and tried to be patient and kind with the other travellers. And here I am, home.  Time for rest for more tomorrowl.

It's nice to be home with Mom, Dad, Brother and his Girlfriend.  What's that?  A Girlfriend-in-law?  Hmmm...and are my brother's friends my friends-in-law.  Odd, the language. So with the nuclear family, I get to see how I respond.  And one thing always strikes me:  my voice gets smaller and I have to learn to speak clearly and access my lower register better.  Breathe, know that I'm ok.  Afterall, I'm 40, and no longer 12 or 5 or any of those other ages. Being grown up and having older parents is a new phase of development. We're having conversations about where they will settle down for the long haul.  We're talking about possessions and what those mean, where they will go when my parents pass away, and what they will divest now. It's almost as if I'm now a parent to the very people who were parents to me.  The switch works my brain. At the same time, I want to enjoy them, and my brother: our lifelong friendship.  It is ...

It's so important to figure out how family fits in the picture of work and rest and friends. This is family weekend for me.  Family of origin is tricky.  Work it out.

Life comes at you fast. Breathe, focus, do the next right thing.

Give thanks (for your health, a beautiful spring day, your family and friends). Help someone (who's sick, or upset, or seems tired from a long day: give up your seat). Laugh with your people (make connections with the other humans). Do well (know what value you bring to the world: exercise it). I also went to the gym to get the energy moving, and did a kind deed for my supervisor.  It's all good.

Today I will be fearless and step up my game.  I'll use what I have today: the tools, the confidence, the clothing, the health that I have today. I'll use the time I have.  What's on is what's on.  And with that I'll bring it. How about you?

I've started saying the Monday is my favorite day. It's a day of beginnings.  On Monday, I pick the most important things that need to get done for the week.  I track my progress against that list.  And, I set some sort of goal around how I manage the week:  it might be around getting good sleep, or drinking more water.  It's like a New Year starts each Monday. The weekend is for relaxing and regrouping.  I often spend some time debriefing the week with my friends and coming up with ideas and thoughts.  I may have an idea about how to work better with my supervisor or colleagues.  There might have been something I brought to work the week past that I felt uncomfortable about:  I may have talked too much and listened less than I really could have. This week: listen more.  Ask questions and let others do the suggestions.  Speak clearly and simply.  Sometimes my sentences get long.  And sometimes my chatter goes on and ...

Sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes I feel I have nothing to say. And yet, somehow, I stay in the game.  Stay in the game, and play.  Even if your heart is breaking, or you feel wronged.  Just play. Today, I feel as if I could have a place at my temp gig.  I'm getting along well with my supervisor, hitting several marks, and already started volunteering to help with AIDS Walk, leading the team there.  We'll have 3-4 people and raise aroundd $1,000 to help those who suffer, or affected by HIV.  You know, helping those who got even a shorter stick, raises my soul-force. So give too, to others. And today, I'm getting support.  We're talking today about what my circulatory, respiratory systems and my push for perfection mean to me.  That's where the damage is; that's where my meditation goes.  Keep on asking hard questions.  And stay in the game.

It's easier to love others if you love yourself.  It's no chore to be there for others in their need to be taken care of and loved, IF you've adequately taken care of yourself.  So use whatever part of this weekend you can to fill your well.  That way, you can show up for others powerfully next week. Cheers!

Let's get excited about life today. Have fun. Job hunting or in an existing job, let's live it up. Live, live, live.

OK, there's so much happening at once today.  All I'm going to say is: BRING IT!

You know, over the last nine days of work at the new gig, I've made some mistakes.  Some were simple ones such as copying only the L's through Z's and then making decisions that were wrong about numbers of people for a session. Some were misread of the culture and how people say hello in the hallway. And what I'm going to do is give myself a big hug and start over today.  I get a clean slate. I'm going to let go of the fact that I've started this job with ill health and am doing my best to balance self-care and acing my responsibilities and assimilating into the culture.  And I'm letting go of the fact that this is a temporary assignment with a temp agency and as much as I might love it, they could let me go today.  Let go. Start over.  Today is the first day.  Greet everyone with care and compassion.  Address each task to the best of my ability.  Start clean, fresh.  Today is a day when I can make a new impression. Happy work day....

Sometimes what occurs to me as the easy way out is the harder way. So I evaluate my choices by checking internal and then running it by my people. They help me decide.  What growth and development am I avoiding by taking my tried and true way.  Exercise: try a different way to work, walk a different block today.  See what comes up.

Competing priorities: show up for work AND do what I need to do to take care of my health on a daily basis AND show up for family and friends. It feels almost impossible to manage all the competing priorities.  This is the joy of being grown up, which we all wanted to do when we were kids.  We wanted the freedom of choice.  In fact, most adults pride autonomy as crucial to their sense of being truly alive. The tough part is the daily choosing.  Today, I took time in quiet meditation to ask myself how to manage today's priorities.  A nice breakfast and I'm on my way.  I also want to allow today to be itself, which may include adventures I had no idea I would have. Stay tuned.

Passion with.  In this case, passion with self.  A day of being compassionate to me.  Holding myself with care, concern and love. I'm usually tough on myself.  Goal-driven, a point A to point B agenda to each day.  I often take on what seems to be "required" of me with so much anxiety it squeezes the life out of the room (and maybe myself?) Today, I'm going to give myself a wide berth.  If I feel weak and tired, I can even excuse myself from brunch and just go home and rest.  If I feel upset about the way I've been spoken to, I can address it, ask for clarification from the speaker with respect for the other, and with deep care for myself.  If I need to put my feet on the seat, I'll say, "I need to put my feet up."  If I can only do half of the meeting, then need to lie down, then that's what I need to do.  Of course, I'm looking at the words I'm typing with total dread.  What if I get ejected from society for asking for what ...

When I woke up on Friday, I had a clear picture of the weekend.  As Friday unfurled, the plan changed dramatically.  I was no longer going up to my alma mater to spend time with the new president, the Council and students.  Instead, it was going to be a weekend of self-care, tests, evaluation and rest rest rest.  Of course, I was disappointed on so many levels.  Helping others is my bloodwork.  And being there for my tribe is probably one of the few things I do well and which feeds me deeply.  I was so looking forward to it.  And yet, when my caregivers said, you're staying here and we're taking care of you, I had to comply.  It's the age-old, "put the oxygen on yourself and then put it on your child."  I can only be there for others if I take care of myself. I'm working on coming to peace with that.  I also had to leave work early on Friday anyway, which also bummed me out.  And yet, what compassion I experienced from all ...

There are many crossroads in our lives.  These are the moments when we feel there is significant difference between doing one thing and another.  At these moments, it's important to pause and ask for guidance. There's your inner truth.  That's a first place and good to turn to first thing in the morning.  Give yourself an extra 5-10 minutes to write, breathe, listen to the silence and what's on your mind and come up with a plan or idea. Then, run that idea or plan by someone else.  Choose carefully.  Often someone objective who is outside the actual issue is best.  Then, bring the wisdom of those consults to the actual concern. Try it: works on which job to take, how to strategize a job search and do I go to an event or stay late at work.

Check your surroundings and notice what the rules are.  Some of them are posted, others are just observed.  Some rules are the opposite of what's posted.  Pay close attention to the language and behaviors around you in new places. Ask questions.  See how it's done.  Your first 90 days are less about being a rockstar, than being a sponge. Of course, aim for a couple easy wins.  However, stay in "learn" mode. If you're hunting for job, listen carefully to the questions, read the job descriptions carefully, and ask insiders what it's really like in a company.  There's tons of information if you read, listen, ask.

Life has an agenda.  And then there's my agenda.  And the agenda of the people I meet every day. And somehow, it all works out. Pay attention to my thoughts, needs, desires while listening and respecting what's around me.  That's the way.

It is amazing how quickly a new employee can be pulled into the system.  It's organizational magic. Well I'm officially busy.  I already have competing priorities.  And each day I'm tasked, like every other employee at every other company, with juggling the several things that are asked of me. Each day, in the morning, jot down all the things that need doing.  Sort the priorities that are aligned with the core responsibilities for the position from the organization's point of view.  Run a parallel list of things that inspire and motivate, as well as meet the self-actualization needs. Focus on making sure the core responsibilities are attended to.  And do a little for self-actualization.  It's important.  Balance the mix so there's time for personal items to be handled as well: sleep, food, etc. Yikes, grown up stuff is hard. Happy Hunting and Effective Work today.

Orientation on the new day at the new gig. My intention today is to learn as much as I can.  I am the new kid.  The "announcement" went out.  I need to meet folks who I'll work with often, as much face to face as I can.  I had a chance on Thursday and Friday to walk the floor and say hello to some folks.  Now, I'll need to deepen and enrich the relationships.  First, by truly listening and hearing the others. Later, I'll want to establish some early wins.  That's later. Today, lots of listening, taking good notes, reviewing them so that I understand what's important and how things are done.  Resist the impulse to show that I "got it."  It may be very different than what I assume or know.

Spend some time breathing deeply.  And if in New York, rediscover its treasures. Happy Hunting.

It feels so good to be back at work. I have to be very careful around attaching self-esteem to working for a company. It's very important for me to continue to stay connected to the supporters in my life I discovered in the worklessness. 1. My self-esteem comes from something bigger than myself.  Work is just an agent of that. 2. I am underearning. I'm still taking $1,700 from my reserve (taken from my retirement money) per month to fund myself. That said, I can do that for a year, however, it behooves me to continue doing other side gigs, AND to continue looking for more remunerative B work. I'm lucky to have the reserve; it deserves to be rebuilt for the next 'emergency.' 3. I still need to look closely at my expenses with trusted advisors and see where I can trim. Must do this month. 4. I still need to prove myself at the gig to aim for a permanent position and I'll need the support of friends to negotiate a right-sized salary given my experience and ...

Find your tribe. Have I ever said that?  I'm lucky to have the Colgate tribe.  And I'm excited to spend time with that line of my tribe next weekend.  Somehow I have to negotiate with work (oh how I love that word: work) to get next Friday off to go up to Colgate University.  I love Colgate.  I love the people that are Colgate and that I get to serve in my limited way. And of course, of my two followers on this blog, one is from Colgate.  And I'm grateful.  And of the people who visited me in the hospital, three were 'gaters.  And that was fabulous.  And several 'gaters called and emailed.  I think the true test of those who love you are the ones who reach out when you might die.  Especially if there's no chance they are in the will, you know?  And Colgate's been like that for me: part of my tribe. Through the five months of unemployment, I've had the most support from that constituency.  There's even a ...

Honestly, I'm still pinching myself.  I landed the gig. I start a temporary assignment today.  The pay is really low, however, it's a chance for me to start again.  This means that I get to be the person I've always wanted to be in a corporate environment.  Balanced, helpful, kind, with good boundaries.  I want to be healthy, contribute powerfully.  My mission is to help others to be effective at work. And so I begin today, a new experiment at work. As a newbie, I want to be open.  I want to listen carefully to learn about the culture.  I want to know exactly what my responsibilities are.  I will ask questions so I'm clear about how I do the things that need doing.  I will look around, make eye contact to get to know who the players are and how they fit in the fabric of the team dynamic. I will listen.  There's no need for me to prove anything.  What I want to do today is learn.  This is a temporary assignment....