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Sarah, Thank You for following

Find your tribe.

Have I ever said that?  I'm lucky to have the Colgate tribe.  And I'm excited to spend time with that line of my tribe next weekend.  Somehow I have to negotiate with work (oh how I love that word: work) to get next Friday off to go up to Colgate University.  I love Colgate.  I love the people that are Colgate and that I get to serve in my limited way.

And of course, of my two followers on this blog, one is from Colgate.  And I'm grateful.  And of the people who visited me in the hospital, three were 'gaters.  And that was fabulous.  And several 'gaters called and emailed.  I think the true test of those who love you are the ones who reach out when you might die.  Especially if there's no chance they are in the will, you know?  And Colgate's been like that for me: part of my tribe.

Through the five months of unemployment, I've had the most support from that constituency.  There's even a  Colgate mom who was like a mother to me during this time, literally checking in on me, sending flowers, just for me.  The other flowers came from my friends in Amsterdam.  I have many Moms: again part of my tribe.

And Dads too.  My brother (younger) is a great Dad.

As my life regains some routine 9am to 5pm work-a-day balance and routine (yeah, I love work), I'm thankful for the tribe that got me through the past 5 months: November 4, 2009 to April, 2 2010.  True, I'm making about $10K less, so I'm underearning and I guess, underemployed.  And the job is temporary, no benefits.  However, this new work situation feels more supportive, kind in the day to day transactions with those I work with.  I am treated as if I am human and I matter in my direct team.  No need to go outside the team to look for the human touch.  I feel clearer and more balanced, ready to be of service with healthy, clear boundaries.  I want to be there.  The people seem to care about me as a person.  There is genuine kindness from folks.  My supervisor and I had lunch together, spontaneously and it was easy.  I mean, I think we LIKE each other as human beings.  You know, it's as if my little kid likes her little kid and hers, mine, and the same with the others.  I've missed that for so long it felt like wading through an oasis.  It's been worth the 5 months of spending down 75% of my retirement funds, IRA, savings.  I know my choice is much different than what most people would do.  My experience of work is core and important to me.  We spend too much time with our immediate workmates to be in psychological and emotional pain.  Honestly, it kills me to work in an environment where I feel my self-esteem slipping through my hands.  I'd rather lose the money, than my sense of self.  I was beginning to experience an erosion of my human worth.  The break I took from work-a-day, getting career coaching, the entrepreneurship, coaching others, the networking, the putting my resume together, writing the cover letters, sharing my unique value proposition over and over again, rebuilt my inner fortress.  I am grateful for the painful and regenerative time; the work-mental hospital of the psyche.

The hospital stay was equally a teacher.  I think my body physically mirrored and created a parallel experience to purge the past trauma.  As I think about the effect of the mystery illness: my lungs shutting down, my voice, my ability to forcefully communicate (one of my strengths)...it all seemed like a powerful metaphor.  I'd lost my voice in the previous work situation.  I'd lost the ability to advocate, speak up for myself.  My lungs had caved in on me, and I was lost.  Nobody knew what was wrong, and I had no language to explain my condition.  I was going to die.  And like a resurrection, suddenly I was diagnosed, lying in intensive care for 5 days.  And when I came out, I was yelling: get me out.

The recurrent number: 5.

And on the fifth day, I left.  Yet there is a period of recouperation, on leaving the hospital.  Only the emergency has been addressed.  This temporary work position is a time of probation or testing.  I still need to be constantly vigilant in mutual dependence on my supporters to help me regain my strength.  So in this new role, I need the support of those who love me.  They will help me make right decisions as I gain my footing.  In parallel still, I need to make the doctor's appointment, and I need to get the work at hand done. I need to spend time with my tribe, and I need to establish my relationships with my new co-workers.  Work is the focus 9am to 5pm and yet, in the established breaks, my friends and loved ones, a couple family of origin folks are my lifeline.  The challenge is in the balance of self-care, self-love, filling my well and giving of service at work.  I love work, and I must love myself (through my tribe.)

And so it is.  Blessed be, in this time of resurrection and deliverance.

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