Becoming a Gay Adult

Legacy -- what I leave behind. Executive Function -- I just looked that up and have a lot more to learn about it. The concept struck me as core to this next chapter of my life that brings together all I've learned so far. Building ability to learn, resilience in the face of terror and disaster, being bendable and shaping while maintaining a spine, having a North Star -- a clear direction, a system of support, and an operating system. Getting regular feedback to dim the echo chamber effect. Regular cadence of reflection time. This is what's required in 2023 and beyond. Cal Newport is correct -- companies have put the full responsibility on each worker to determine how to orchestrate their lives. At the same time, we can work 24 hours--technology allows us to use the same device to wake up and learn what's happening halfway around the globe. Athletes have coaches who share best practices on what to do holistically step by step to optimize their performance on the court or f...

How to keep this short, sweet, authentic and move this thing forward? How to capture the last couple years? What to say that's not already been said? Life is still a challenge. COVID is still here. More disruption was unveiled. And, writing through this still helps. Had a couple good conversations today; some baubles of note -- 1. Having rooting disciplines is clutch -- e.g. morning meditations, workouts, walks -- ways to help bring the body into the here and now and shake anxiety. Shake off what's unnecessary healthily and sustainably, so what remains is what matters. 2. Doing a walking tour with trusted folks to share ideas -- e.g. starting a new venture; or facing a challenge -- is smart. It grounds speaking on the real topics and opens space for collaboration to the best solution beyond a one brain answer. Diversity of perspective brings depth of vision. 3. Evolution -- give things time. Patience. Though much stays the same [grateful earth still goes around the sun], gi...

Holidays 2020. This one is for the records. I'll want to read this later. Ha. As I look back, there are tendrils of all the themes that smushed together in 2020. A pandemic, Black Lives Matter, a recession, ongoing recovery from my hip surgery, slow and long. And in my ongoing attempt to be a fully fledged adult -- financially take care of myself -- a furlough, re-employment and a misalignment of values that catapults me into another realm of positioning my self and what I offer at work. On some fundamental level, I made a decision, one I want to stay accountable to long term -- to Post Traumatic Growth (rather than Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.) A key to that is Integrity. That requires developing a personal statement of values. Those values require that I let go promptly any relationships that corrode or mismanage my values. Yup, that can mean I have to let go of a job, core relationships etc, and that's just what I've chosen. Life is too short to spend my time in ...

i will be ok this is so scary -- towards the end of the work day, i found out from my brother that San Francisco is going into almost lockdown. and David and I finished up the essential work items and took a break to get groceries for 2 weeks. NYC could be next. we're now prepared but worried about how this will impact our lives. we both treasure exercise -- cycling, long walks -- what if all that is essentially curbed? we came back, i took care of work pop ups and now am back to my personal life. i'm learning about this work from home thing that can take over all the hours in a paranoid panic of overdoing. i'm learning to slow down after the work day. allow the sunset to be the curtain to a focus on work and doing, and to shift to relax, let go, release the day. this will pass. we will be ok. we do the best we can and let go. the rest is up to something larger than all of us.

Someone said write through this. Agent Orange is traumatic. And now this virus. We've been through Ronald Regan and HIV. This though seems next level. How did we get through the other hurricane? We formed community, we railed against, we took very good care of ourselves. So much good came out of that work. This can be an opportunity for deeper introspection, decluttering, getting close to the people who mean the most to us, mental hygeine, reading books, writing them, blogging again, eating better since I make meals at home for me and David. Our neighbors upstairs put up the Italian flag. The neighbors across the street put up a sign -- "Are you Italian?" Massimo and Fabiana must have responded, "We are. Are you?" We love them so much. Their families are in Rome, and they've been scared for their loved ones for weeks now. Fabiana is beside herself and we try to console her in our building from time to time. The folks across the street wrote a sign -- ...

The physical therapist sub said that I'm tracking ahead for someone 4 days post total right hip replacement. I want to be pleased with myself. When they ask what my goals are post-op, I want to say to run a marathon and to do a triathlon again, and to race up the stairs at work as if I'm Superman, and ace all my goals harder and faster, to show I'm not aging at all. I'm perpetually at my male peak performance. During a triathlon, if I notice I'm tracking ahead of goals I know to slow down. Especially in a race. Especially in the beginning. And life, funny as it may seem, is not a race at all. But even in racing everyone knows that for feats of human resilience, it's the starting slow that gets the body properly attuned to the day, the moment, the heat or cold, the tempo that's right on purr for the longer game. Sprints are different, but they are short. Life, as I want to live it, is a long game. To deeply enjoy it, I need to pace. There's a hubris ...

At almost 50, I wanted to have achieved it all without any real clarity about what that would even mean. This last attempt to lead HR for an organization was valiant. I want to believe I did some good and changed the atmosphere for the work of the humans. I believe I was a resource. That managers shifted in their thinking about leading others, and front line folks, including those who reported to me, gained self esteem, autonomy and learned about their strengths through my capable management, leadership and mirroring. And I want to believe I took much better care of myself at work, than I ever have before at any other position on my resume. And, I firmly believe, evaluations of others notwithstanding, that I have a solid, sustainable, philosophically, spiritually and practical Human Resources practice model, now tried and true in a couple places, iteratively tweaked, that works in 2019 for especially millennials -- front line and management/leadership. So...there's that. So why th...

It's been 13 days since I walked away and it's time to check in again. Hoping to document the process for remembrance and to help others. I've spent the days cycling, swimming, having great home cooked meals, reconnecting with family and neighbors, sleeping the proper 8 hours at night, and checking out Impulse (on YouTube Red). David and I (now married, wedding, honeymoon) went to the theater, sleep in late and exercise together. It's been pretty incredible. And I'm scared. Who steps away from a full-time job without a new one? And this aging business -- I need a new right hip and a great surgeon who will tell me I CAN run again. I want to run. It releases endorphins that tell me it's all going to be ok. And I need to know it's all going to be ok. I put all in the last gig. I did amazing work. It was hard -- politics, the founder culture (letting go is hard), 360 reviews and telling the truth when everyone loved the drama so much it was hard to see th...

At times, I'm in a hallway. I've closed a door behind me, I'm setting off in a new direction, and I feel a bit lost. This is a perfect time to ask about what I've left. What did I learn? What did I bring to the table that I'd love to discard once and for all? What was good about that past room experience? Can I carry that forward? Kindness, transparency, good communication, a sense of myself as an adult dealing with adult situations. These are assets to treasure. I took the best care of myself I knew how. I was confidential, almost to a fault. Maybe I can even be more open about who I am and what's important to me. Ask for what I want--for sure. Ask for help. Yes, lots more of that. And working more collaboratively. I can certainly stop trying to lift the world on my own. Nobody is asking for that. The demands are great, and constant, but I believe people want to help. So there's that. I learned that life is hard. It is. There's no way around it. And I...

Life throws hardballs. And as spring rides in waves of pollen--triggering my allergies--I learn to ride with it. Work's been challenging--lots of projects at once and a huge learning curve for much of it. And, there are the daily tasks and the clerical pieces. Managing demands that I prioritize, and that includes time for sleep, friends, family and tending to my health. My doctor was so upset with me for skipping appointments and staying on top of bloodwork to monitor my levels. Granted all my hard work training for races and the vanity of lifting to look good for summer pay off in good bloodwork tests, but I'm a far cry from being a doctor, and we all need the help of those wiser about these things. And so it is with my career. It's time to connect with other HR professionals and get their suggestions and ideas about how to build a solid role at my current gig. And so it is with my clutter, finding a new partner--all of it. Life is so much more fun with wisdom of oth...

There's so much I've written. There are essences I want to remind myself about--however, it has been written about Thanksgiving, the Holidays, end of year rituals, performance reviews, quiet time and reflection, holiday office parties, even about death. That all is happening now. As a Human Resources Manager for a small team, it's devastating to experience the death of a colleague. And as we say goodbye, and honor what he brought to our team, sadness and grief, and wondering if there's anything anyone could have done more of to keep his brilliant candle burning just longer--a decade, a year, weeks to say goodbye properly... I sit here at a loss. I think about his mother, and friends, and at this time of year. And I bless them--hold them in love and we'll see what the right action is. He is. He was loved. I ask myself (and we ask ourselves about the importance of things at this time of year anyway), what is most important. I want to go to some deep thought. Howeve...

I suppose I will continue to learn how to celebrate the happiness and achievements of others for the rest of my life. It's hard sometimes to let go of the nagging thought that their is a limit to good in the world and I have to hardscrabble my way to get mine. James is now happy with someone else and it's all public out there. It's time to really let go. My dating adventures after have been less fruitful and I wonder if I'll be single for the rest of time. There's really no way to know and it's really none of my business trying to figure that out. What is present now is my loving relationship with my godson, those I mentor, my dear friends, family and my new colleagues. There I can focus for now and celebrate that others have a love that wafts sweet warm kisses in the morning to go with New York's most romantic fall dawns. For now, it's me and my pillow. Celebrate happiness.

And we're back in the workforce. As an HR Manager, it's a whole new world. There is so much to manage at once, and as a new HR Manager, I have to find my rhythm in asking questions, making decisions, prioritizing, taking actions, pacing, rest... There's so much to do. It's very similar to swimming in the Long Island Sound, which I did yesterday during the Jarden Westchester Triathlon. It's amazing how intimidating something can be, and yet if you train hard for it, and show up, amazing things happen. I was fairly peaceful, even though two years ago this 0.9 mile swim would have been a crazy impossible thing for me to do. Gently, over time, with lots of help, I got to yesterday at 7:24am. When the horn sounded, I stepped into the water with some confidence, some fear, and a decision to do this well. And I had moments when I felt lost, and WAS lost, and I recalibrated. There were times I swam alongside others, and I noticed it was easier to make a go of it. So it ...

I'm a big fan of time off. There's an hour or two or maybe time when we sleep. If practical or if needed just once in a while, turn the electronics off. Give your mind a time to be quiet. Loved the NY Times take on this-- http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/22/fashion/step-away-from-the-phone.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0&adxnnl=1&ref=general&src=me&adxnnlx=1379881290-MOJ9w6ZSpUGlyaiSgr5oLw Take a weekend, or a treasured holiday time. Again, give the body time to recharge and engage with the people, connect with the places, learn from the things that fuel your passion. But I've discovered the value in some time off in between gigs. I'm thinking of a couple months of sabbatical each five years or so, to recalibrate my career engine. Creative folks often have this naturally between plays, movies or television shows, whether they are in front of the camera or supporting the production. It is often a time of nervous frantic grasping for the next gig as a perso...

Maybe I thought things would happen faster than they are happening. I've honestly thought about packing it all in and going home. Except for one tricky thing--where's home? The parental unit disavowed me around the whole gay thing a long time ago. My brother is just setting up his home. And on some level, I'm learning I still have so much work left to do to create my own home--a truly solid sense of identity. This "sabbatical" is forming it more wholly and it's amazing to watch it unfold. And there are some nibbles now around ways I could potentially earn again and support myself, so that bodes some hope to stay put and build home here and now for myself. Finally. On some level, success was a way to prove to my father that I'd made it. It's dawning that a more interesting route is to mine the authentic me, to build my own home base, find my true tribe of brothers (in addition to the awesome live one I have) and go forth from there. Rudimentar...

WSJ.com just twerked on passion. I'm upset because the articles are usually spot on and brilliant. As with most journalism, it's written with a catchy title that seems at first to completely "debunk" traditional wisdom (or upend some basic anchor for reality). We all see through these clickable links as desperate siren calls for click-throughs and readership to build ad dollar revenue, and yet we still click away our time. In this article it's transparent because the meat of the article then backtracks and tries to weave in the opposite idea, using passion as a factor in initial career choices and in the development of new directions for mature workers. It then treads dangerous territory in telling people the crap (sorry, this article angered me) that they can "wear out" their passion" in the workplace. The alternative proferred is to get excited about what the job market has to offer and build a career around that and internally generate pass...

I lost my way. Disillusion can be freeing of illusion or deprivation of a vision. I think both are happening with me. And so I conclude that is is amazing--and I think an important part of every journey--to get lost. We fight it, but sometimes it's the right thing to do. Yes, I'm looking for a new job. I had to walk away from what was presented to me as the rest of 2013 at work. But it's bigger than that. I looked at what I was doing and I felt as if the walls were crashing in on me--physically because of the volume, but we all feel that. Moreso, psychologically and emotionally--this was less than what makes me a full contributor to the spin of the world. I want to give more and giving less was killing me. I'm taking time to pause and rediscover the passion that will get me back in the game of work--to be a full and fulfilled contributor giving of the wisdom I've gained from 23 years of full-time work, from managing others, from observing leaders, managers and H...

What a powerful word! There are many times in a career when you fear it's all over. That there's no coming back from that end--that crossing the line from life to all bets are off. This season reminds us through these major holidays in cultures and religions that endure, and through the powerful rite of spring, when buds appear from trees that have long appeared through winter, dead, that rebirth is possible. So take the time to look at what has continued to work in spite of the odds at work. Use that as your strength--your platform on which to rebuild momentum towards goals you've set or that have been set for you this year. Look from that strength at the things that are failing you. What habits, what attitudes, what language no longer serves you in the current situation? Maybe the environment has changed? Maybe you've changed? Ask for support from your trusted mentors and use their guidance well. It could help you at a critical moment in your career. Hopefully...

There is a reason holidays persist. It's a time to gather the tribes. There are important stories to tell. One of those stories is your own. We can only tell our stories, truly reveal ourselves, with safe ones. So identify them again. Our safe ones change over time, a past friend or lover may no longer be included in your tribal gathering. So re-evaluate. Even family members can become toxic over time, so think through, rather than fall back on your traditional list of folks. How have you felt in their presence over the last few months? Have you noticed a retraction of their support? Have you been in touch at all over the last few months? Try to clear the air of course, and never assume you know what's going on from their end of the friendship, family connection or mentorship, but ask the questions if you sense something has changed. We all deserve clarity in our close relationships. Mentorships are interesting relationships. Hang in them long enough and reverse mentoring i...

How do you define a successful life? I think, post-holidays, this idea of what this year should be comes to mind. What if it's in the quality of sleep each night, and the love you enjoy from those closest to you? What if any profit is really from having enough time, money, and other stuff to enjoy the love around you? Then, how do the actions you take this year, this month, this week align with that vision you have for yourself as a viable human being and then your career? Reminder: we spend the most time at work. How does work time move the dial forward for the total being of you. If it goes against, it detracts from what you want to be in the world. Is that a worthy sacrifice? Challenge. Write about it this year. Talk with trusted friends. If you need to adjust the work you do: mold the current work, find a new position within the current organization, or seek new frontiers, do it, for life is short and the years they roll along quickly. Happy New Year. Live and Work ...