People piss us off.
Take care, however, and never be one of the office gossips. Protect the work space from this toxic thread. If for some reason, it's difficult to face someone who you perceive as hurtful in some way, try these directions below instead.
Ask a colleague or trusted friend out to breakfast before work, lunch, a "coffee" break, or after work drink. In private, outline the issue. Briefly share the context & the SPECIFIC behavior in question that's triggered your response. Outline YOUR response: the effect the behavior is having on you and your work.
So it could go like this: "When Joe yells at me to come into his office, it feels demeaning. I feel often he's chewing me out about a minor detail I messed up on some report I gave him, yet everyone in the cubicles around me gets the impression that I'm screwing up my job. I feel like a loser and start to question my performance, when in all objective truth, I think I'm busting my ass and doing a really good job. I'm starting to doubt myself and beginning to feel really lousy."
Then ask for help in addressing the issue. Something like this:
"I'd love your help in identifying some good ways to address this."
There are usually three options:
1. There might be a way to accept Joe's behavior: gain some peace around it. It may involve getting some objective feedback about your performance from Joe and doing a thorough self-assessment that bolsters your sense of doing good work. Then the yelling becomes no big deal.
2. There may be a way to come up with a script to speak with Joe about the yelling directly. Maybe he could IM, call you on the phone, or just include the feedback in a daily or weekly "reports review" meeting, or he could email the document back with corrections.
3. Maybe this is systemic in the job, or a pathological issue for Joe, and you may be in the wrong position in the organization. It might be time to start exploring some other options for a direct supervisor.
The absolutely worst option is to start attacking Joe's CHARACTER with other colleagues especially in the general work space. First, you can be overheard and it can quickly get back to Joe, compounding an already difficult situation. Second, it solves nothing. It might feel good in the moment, however, it feeds the cycle since your brain chemistry will now just want more of the "hits" of "bad behavior" from Joe to feed the gossip bowl. In fact, the WORSE Joe behaves, "the better" since it's given you more "juicy" bits to throw to the generated wolves of denigrating Joe. "How awful he is, you'll all get to moan even louder." If Joe actually turned the corner and became kind and thoughtful, it would make you a liar and pride will step in to justify the story that you've started telling. Joe's positive qualities will perforce recede into the background and EVERYTHING negative about him will rise to the fore. It becomes a vicious cycle almost with its own organic life and virtually unstoppable. The tragedy here, is that you lose, Joe loses and your colleagues become collaborators in potentially hurting a possibly innocent bystander.
The truth is, until you walk in someone's shoes, you have no idea what is going on in their lives that drives their behavior. A simple direct conversation, or some really great adaptation or healthy choices on your part, can avoid YOUR addition to toxicity in the workplace.
A good rule of thumb (I love that phrase: etymology please?) for work conversations is to stick to "I" statements with people when you're talking about difficult experiences: e.g. "I feel," "I reacted to that by..." etc. and to only ask about others and their experiences. When you start talking about "him" and "her," only speak of them in positive terms, or ways that you would if they were within earshot. Anything else goes private one-on-one AND is framed around the effect it has on you AND solutions to create a healthier work environment.
Gossip Girl is fun on television; war in the office.
BOTTOM LINE: skip the gossip. Enjoy Mean Girls on DVD.
Take care, however, and never be one of the office gossips. Protect the work space from this toxic thread. If for some reason, it's difficult to face someone who you perceive as hurtful in some way, try these directions below instead.
Ask a colleague or trusted friend out to breakfast before work, lunch, a "coffee" break, or after work drink. In private, outline the issue. Briefly share the context & the SPECIFIC behavior in question that's triggered your response. Outline YOUR response: the effect the behavior is having on you and your work.
So it could go like this: "When Joe yells at me to come into his office, it feels demeaning. I feel often he's chewing me out about a minor detail I messed up on some report I gave him, yet everyone in the cubicles around me gets the impression that I'm screwing up my job. I feel like a loser and start to question my performance, when in all objective truth, I think I'm busting my ass and doing a really good job. I'm starting to doubt myself and beginning to feel really lousy."
Then ask for help in addressing the issue. Something like this:
"I'd love your help in identifying some good ways to address this."
There are usually three options:
1. There might be a way to accept Joe's behavior: gain some peace around it. It may involve getting some objective feedback about your performance from Joe and doing a thorough self-assessment that bolsters your sense of doing good work. Then the yelling becomes no big deal.
2. There may be a way to come up with a script to speak with Joe about the yelling directly. Maybe he could IM, call you on the phone, or just include the feedback in a daily or weekly "reports review" meeting, or he could email the document back with corrections.
3. Maybe this is systemic in the job, or a pathological issue for Joe, and you may be in the wrong position in the organization. It might be time to start exploring some other options for a direct supervisor.
The absolutely worst option is to start attacking Joe's CHARACTER with other colleagues especially in the general work space. First, you can be overheard and it can quickly get back to Joe, compounding an already difficult situation. Second, it solves nothing. It might feel good in the moment, however, it feeds the cycle since your brain chemistry will now just want more of the "hits" of "bad behavior" from Joe to feed the gossip bowl. In fact, the WORSE Joe behaves, "the better" since it's given you more "juicy" bits to throw to the generated wolves of denigrating Joe. "How awful he is, you'll all get to moan even louder." If Joe actually turned the corner and became kind and thoughtful, it would make you a liar and pride will step in to justify the story that you've started telling. Joe's positive qualities will perforce recede into the background and EVERYTHING negative about him will rise to the fore. It becomes a vicious cycle almost with its own organic life and virtually unstoppable. The tragedy here, is that you lose, Joe loses and your colleagues become collaborators in potentially hurting a possibly innocent bystander.
The truth is, until you walk in someone's shoes, you have no idea what is going on in their lives that drives their behavior. A simple direct conversation, or some really great adaptation or healthy choices on your part, can avoid YOUR addition to toxicity in the workplace.
A good rule of thumb (I love that phrase: etymology please?) for work conversations is to stick to "I" statements with people when you're talking about difficult experiences: e.g. "I feel," "I reacted to that by..." etc. and to only ask about others and their experiences. When you start talking about "him" and "her," only speak of them in positive terms, or ways that you would if they were within earshot. Anything else goes private one-on-one AND is framed around the effect it has on you AND solutions to create a healthier work environment.
Gossip Girl is fun on television; war in the office.
BOTTOM LINE: skip the gossip. Enjoy Mean Girls on DVD.
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